


Let Me Bring You Back to Earth, Star Child

by wizrad



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: AU where Karasuno was never a thing, Eventual Smut, Fluff & Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Slow Burn, mild coffeeshop AU, that's right I'm Ushiyama trash, tsukki came out as kind of a dick in this and I'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-04-07
Packaged: 2018-05-13 00:26:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 52,680
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5687494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wizrad/pseuds/wizrad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>[[Warning: This fic is currently under heavy revision.<br/>It is highly recommended that you wait until renovation is finished to read it.<br/>Expect rampant continuity errors, drastically different characterization from chapter to chapter, and great fluctuation in writing style.<br/>Proceed with caution, and please reserve judgement until work is finished.<br/>Thank you.]]</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited 4Sept16

“You’re so serious all the time, Ushiwaka. Fortunately, I know exactly how to fix that! We’re going to get you a girlfriend.”

The midsummer sun warmed the city, and a pleasant heat radiated off the asphalt. Excellent weather for a walk, be it around downtown, to a local park, or, as Oikawa had planned, to a small sports equipment store a little ways off the beaten path.  He forged the crowded sidewalk at a brisk pace, reluctant companion in tow.

“Oikawa, please." Ushijima started in a slow, measured tone. "I don’t have the time or patience for a relationship. I never have, and I don't see why I should bother trying now.”

“Whaaaat?? Ushiwaka-chan has _never_  had a girlfriend?? So tragic! Good thing you have me to help you out," Oikawa said, radiating his usual sparkly, over-the-top aura.

"I'm...really not interested. But thank you for offering," Ushijima insisted politely.

Oikawa ignored him completely. “Don'y worry, you can just watch me with Iwa-chan and I’ll show you how it’s done! I'm an expert when it comes to romance and relationships.  Lucky you, getting to see me in action up close. I envy you, Ushiwaka. Be sure to take notes!”

“Right. Will do,” Ushijima responded in a bored monotone. Oikawa’s exuberance was obnoxious and rather tiring to be around, but ultimately Ushijima didn’t really mind it much. Mostly it was just surprising how different his personality was off the court.  For most of the time that he'd known Oikawa, he was a focused, passionate presence on the other side of a volleyball net.  Now that they had ended up on the same professional team, it was as though he was a completely different person.  A much...bubblier person. A more endlessly talkative person.  It wasn't _the_ most welcome change, but Ushijima was content knowing that at least Oikawa's vicious rivalry with him seemed to be over.  Not to mention that it was relatively easy to tune him out without being noticed.  Speaking of which...

“Yoohoo!! Are you even listening to me, Ushiwaka?” Oikawa asked, pouting as usual. “These are very important questions I’m asking you!”

“Sorry, I zoned out for a bit. What did you say?”

“Oh I was just wondering if, since you’ve never been in a relationship before, you’re still a virgin.”

...

More confused than anything, Ushijima was a little at a loss on how to respond.  Brow furrowed and head cocked to the side, he substituted asking "what the fuck" for an expression that said the same.

Oikawa rolled his eyes exaggeratedly. “Come on, just tell me," he pressed, for no clear reason Ushijima could see.  "We’re best friends, Ushiwaka, so you can tell me anything!”

 _Best friends?  When did_ that _happen?_ Ushijima had been informed that Oikawa had hated him since middle school, and even though they'd been on the same team for a couple years, it took a while before he started talking to Ushijima outside of practice.  Now apparently they were best friends.  An unexpected development, but not an unwelcome one.  And if Oikawa wanted to insist that being best friends meant answering each other's asinine questions, then so be it.

“There was someone on my high school team that I was involved with in.  Not a relationship, just sex," Ushijima recited. “And I've brought a couple people home to my apartment.  That didn't turn out to be very fulfilling, so I stopped. That’s about it for my sexual experience.”

Oikawa looked taken aback, as though he hadn't expected an actual response.  He seemed a little disappointed too, though for what reason, Ushijima couldn't divine. "So blunt, Waka, should have seen that coming... Unfulfilling, huh?  Don't worry, I'll find someone to fill you in all the right ways!"

Apparently, Ushijima's pained expression was exactly the response Oikawa had been aiming for, judging by the shit-eating grin splitting his face.  He giggled and casually linked arms with Ushijima, who was slightly unnerved by the gesture, but not enough to resist.  “So you were banging someone on your team, then?" he asked rhetorically.  "I really had you pegged as a one-hundred-percent-unflinchingly-straight kinda guy, but I guess I shouldn’t have assumed. Seems like everybody I’ve ever met who plays volleyball is at least a little bit gay.”

Ushijima looked quizzically from the arm wrapped around his to the teasing face of its owner. “Gender doesn't matter to me. Why would something as insignificant as a person’s sex wouldn’t stop me from being attracted to them?”

"I swear to god, you're so honest and oblivious it hurts,” Oikawa sighed. “But hey, this helps me a lot in trying to set you up with someone, since there are at least twice as many options if you don’t care about gender.”

"Why are you so eager to hook me up with a random stranger?" demanded Ushijima.  Meeting new people wasn't exactly his forte.

"It's fun! You'll love it."

Ushijima sincerely doubted that.  For some reason, he had a gut feeling that Oikawa's judgment on what type of person to set him up with was...not to be trusted.  Even if he'd never been in a "real" relationship before, Ushijima knew what he liked.  He knew what kind of people he could get along with, and he knew the kind of people he found attractive, so it was just a matter of putting the two of those together, right?  It just seemed unlikely that Oikawa would successfully find someone who fell in both of those categories if he didn't know anything about either of them.  No, the only way out of this would be to find someone ASAP, before Oikawa had a chance to set him up.

While Oikawa went on about various people he had in mind, Ushijima got lost in planning.  It would be easiest to ask out the first person he found attractive.  Then if their personalities didn't work out, he would just stop seeing them immediately.  It seemed practical and simple enough.  Best case scenario, it'd work out and he would be in a relationship, which could potentially be nice, albeit time consuming.  Worst case scenario, he goes on one or two uncomfortable dates and gets Oikawa off his back.  It's a win-win situation.

They turned a corner and Oikawa’s hand moved to grasp Ushijima’s wrist, pulling him out of his own head and guiding him forward with renewed vigor.  Their destination was at the end of the side street, an inconspicuous store nestled cozily between much larger buildings. Despite its small size and mildly dubious location, it seemed clean and inviting.  “Come on Waka, we’re almost there! Ooh I can’t wait to see the look on Iwa’s face when I surprise him. He loves it when I show up unannounced and ruin his whole day.”

ooooo

 

“Hey can you come help me set up this new underarmor display?” Iwaizumi called, bringing Yamaguchi back to earth. He had been sweeping the floor caught in a daydream for the past half hour or so.

“Sure, give me a second to put this away,” Yamaguchi replied, rushing to finish up and put the broom back in the maintenance closet. He then returned to help Iwaizumi sort and stack the neatly folded shirts, once again lapsing into a trancelike stupor as his body moved automatically. Today, and as usual, his thoughts were directed towards his tall, blond, and bespectacled coworker who was currently helping a customer check out. Tsukishima haunted Yamaguchi’s waking thoughts, and some of his sleeping ones as well. They had been close since middle school, and Yamaguchi had always looked up to his unshakably calm and collected friend. Honestly, his respect almost bordered on worship sometimes. Long ago Yamaguchi had accepted that he was absolutely head over heels in love with him, but Tsukishima had always acted completely indifferent in return. Now that they were both working the same full time job while taking a gap year before inevitably going to different universities, Yamaguchi was finally starting to think that Tsukishima really was never going to be interested. He didn’t know why it had taken him so long to realize that Tsukki just didn’t want him the same way.  He'd kept his hopes up for such a long time, maybe it was finally time to actually give up...

“Yamaguchi? Hey, you still in there?” Iwaizumi said, once again breaking Yamaguchi’s internal monologue of pity. “You’ve been so spacey lately. Is everything alright?”

“O-oh, um, yeah, everything is fine,” Yamaguchi lied awkwardly. Iwaizumi was the owner of the store, a constantly irritated yet amazingly level-headed and reliable guy. Yamaguchi really didn’t want his boss to think that he was a lackluster employee who spent too much time daydreaming to be of any real use (which he suspected might truly be the case). Yamaguchi had half a mind to ask him for advice on what to do and how to feel in this situation, since Iwaizumi had been in a longer and more successful relationship than almost anyone else he knew.

Fortunately, Iwaizumi caught onto Yamaguchi’s hesitancy and fervent glances toward the front of the store, where Tsukishima now reclined with his headphones in due to the lack of customers. Yamaguchi was not exactly subtle about his feelings, and Iwaizumi would have cottoned on to what he was thinking even if he _hadn't_ heard it a million times before. “Is it about Tsukishima?” he asked, making the very stressed and inwardly absorbed Yamaguchi almost jump through the roof.

“Yeah… How'd you guess?” Yamaguchi sighed sarcastically and glanced over to make sure his coworker truly wasn’t listening. “I don’t know what to do anymore Iwaizumi-san. I’ve been waiting for so long for him to maybe reciprocate my feelings, and I'm just getting so tired of all this unrequited love crap.”

"You still don't even know that it's unrequited, though,” Iwaizumi pointed out.  "I've said it a million times and I'll say it again: this could all be over if you just told him how you feel."

"I know, I know," Yamaguchi conceded with a strangled groan.  "But I mean, it could really make things weird between us if I do!  Plus, if he were at all interested in me, you’d think he would have given a little indication, right?”

"Yamaguchi, listen to me.  With some people, you need to get in there and _drag_ their true feelings out of them, 'cause they're not gonna let you know what they're thinking on their own.”

Yamaguchi knew that he was right. But still, he wasn’t sure that he could handle rejection after all the years of getting his hopes up. Maybe it would be better just to let this die out.  Eventually distance and time would separate them so much that it wouldn't matter anymore...

“Hey I’m going to go start taking stock. Could you finish up this display?” Yamaguchi nodded and continued organizing the shirts by color and size as Iwaizumi walked into the back of the store.

Shortly after he was gone, the glass front door slid open, snapping Yamaguchi out of his continued reverie. He looked up to see Iwaizumi’s fiancé dragging someone he didn’t recognize by the wrist. Yamaguchi watched as Oikawa shouted a cheerful greeting at Tsukishima, who still had his headphones on and didn’t respond except to turn up his music louder. Oikawa pouted and flipped his hair, then met Yamaguchi’s eyes from across the store and instantly brightened and waved at him.   _Wow, his presence really fills the room..._  Yamaguchi instantly felt overwhelmed as he watched Oikawa’s beaming face draw near.

“Yama-channn!” he called in greeting, “Happy to see me? I’m sure you were just waiting for me to come in and brighten up your day.”

Even though he was exhausting to be around, having Oikawa drop in really was always a pick-me-up for Yamaguchi. “I’ve been here since six this morning and virtually nobody has been in all day. I thought my day couldn’t get any brighter, and yet here you are to show me I was wrong,” he teased sarcastically, making Oikawa pout again.

“Mean, Yama-chan. Why is everybody in this place so mean to me?” Oikawa crossed his arms, dropping the wrist of… oh right, this complete stranger he had in tow.  Well, it wouldn't be the first time.  Oikawa dragged new people in pretty frequently, usually under the guise of wanting them to "meet his Iwa-chan".  And wow, this stranger was...unusually cute.  All muscle and confidence with a piercing gaze that for some reason was trained on him.  It was making him sweat a little.  Yamaguchi wondered if Oikawa was going to remember to introduce them, or if as usual, he was just going to ditch his friend to go make out with his fiancé.

“Speaking of people that are always mean to me, where’s Iwa?” Oikawa demanded excitedly.

Looked like the latter, then. Yamaguchi gestured behind himself and said, “He’s in the back taking stock. Try not to scare him, or he’ll be in a shitty mood for the rest of the day again.”

“Oh don’t worry, I know he’ll be happy to see me today,” Oikawa retorted confidently. “Besides, he loves it when I surprise him!” He turned and strode purposefully to the back room, leaving Yamaguchi alone with his companion, who had yet to speak a single word.  His silence was a little intimidating--well, his entire presence was intimidating, honestly.  He was so tall...almost 2 meters, he guessed...broad shoulders...amazing jawline... It wasn't until Yamaguchi glanced up into those deep, dark eyes that were peering directly back into his that he realized with a start; he'd openly ogling a complete stranger while saying absolutely nothing.  His face flooded a violent crimson, unable to break eye contact, hoping that if he stammered a greeting fast enough, maybe they wouldn't notice.

“H-hi, I don’t believe we’ve met before. I’m Yamaguchi Tadashi,” he said timidly, smiling and holding his hand out, trying to keep it from trembling.

The stranger grasped it firmly and responded in a powerful, resonating voice, “Ushijima Wakatoshi.”

Yamaguchi almost melted.  He could practically feel that voice vibrating in his own chest.  And he just barely registered the feeling of the former stranger Ushijima's hand in his before it was gone... Oh, right he was supposed to respond with something.

“I don’t think Oikawa has ever mentioned you before, though your name does sound a little familiar…” he prompted conversationally.

Ushijima wore a look of subtle, tired exasperation. “If he’s mentioned me at all, he probably called me Ushiwaka.”

Yamaguchi tried to choke back a laugh, failed, and blushed furiously under his hand at his lack of restraint.  So this was the renowned Ushiwaka-chan, about whom Oikawa had spent countless hours whining to anyone who would listen.  Berating "fucking dumbass Ushiwaka" was his second-favorite topic, after talking about himself.  “Y-yeah that actually sounds a bit familiar now that you mention it,” Yamaguchi stuttered, averting his eyes, hoping Ushijima hadn't noticed the guilt in them.  Once he thought the flush had sufficiently faded from his face, he looked back and said in as warm and honest a tone as he could manage, "It’s nice to finally meet you."

“The pleasure is all mine,” Ushijima replied sincerely.  Unlike Yamaguchi, he had yet to falter in his gaze.  And Yamaguchi was sweltering under it.  He started fiddling with his hair out of nervous habit, wracking his brain for something to say.

“Um, why did Oikawa bring you here anyway?”

“To introduce me to his fiancé, I think.  Though he seems to have forgotten about that.”

Yamaguchi snickered knowingly.  He'd had this conversation with so many of Oikawa's friends, and the familiar topic set his nerves at ease a bit.  "That’s Oikawa for you," he recited with a roll of his eyes.  "I guarantee you he's making out with Iwaizumi-san in the back right now, and you probably won't see him again until he's on his way out the door."

"Ah.  So that's why he wanted to come here."  Ushijima looked a little disappointed, but also not surprised.  "Why did he bother bringing me, though?"

"My theory is that he doesn't like walking here alone," Yamaguchi said conspiratorially.  "Filling other people's ears with bullshit fuels him, and he doesn't want to lose power."

His expectant grin was met with silence.  At first, Yamaguchi thought his joke must have fallen flat--was it not that funny?  Maybe the stoic man in front of him just didn't have a sense of humor.  Then he noticed the corners of Ushijima's mouth quirking up slightly, and a staggered exhalation that might have been a chuckle.  It was the most expression he had shown since walking in the door.  Also, it was adorable.  Yamaguchi felt his face flood with color again, heart pattering rapidly in his chest. He hoped Ushijima couldn't heart it.

"Don't worry, they'll be back out soon," Yamaguchi reassured.  "You won't have to wait long." 

"They can take their time.  I'm in no rush."

"Yeah?  No big plans today?"   _Fuck_ , Yamaguchi realized immediately after he'd spoken.   _I might as well have just begged him to go out with me.  I'm being way too obvious._   Sweat beading on his forehead, he silently prayed that Ushijima wouldn't notice.

Ushijima's head cocked to the side, and Yamaguchi's heart rate jumped again.  "Not yet," he replied in a smooth, measured tone.  "But that can change."

Okay.  Well.  He was flirting back.  What was Yamaguchi supposed to do in this situation?  He'd been asked out before, more than a few times.  Just not by anyone he was, you know, actually interested in.  It's a lot harder flirting with someone if they make it difficult to even speak in coherent sentences.  What was the protocol here?  What was he supposed to say?

Evidently, Yamaguchi's thoughts were written clearly on his face.  "You look confused," Ushijima remarked bluntly.  "Am I not being clear?  I would like to see you later today if you're free."

All conscious thought flew out the window.  Yamaguchi felt his mouth open and shut a few times, but nothing was coming out.  Eventually, he managed to force his mouth to work enough to choke out, "Y-yeah.  I got that, actually."

Why.  Why did he say that.  He just couldn't process anything that was happening.  Maybe he only imagined what Ushijima said?  People aren't that blunt in real life, right?  He must have just misheard him.  Yeah.  That was it.

"So?" Ushijima asked, jolting him out of his head.  "When do you get off work?  That is, if you're interested."  He leaned in closer, clearly prompting an answer, closing the gap between them only slightly, but enough that Yamaguchi could physically feel the air crackling with increased tension.

Clearly, Yamaguchi misheard nothing.  And now he was essentially being asked a yes-or-no question.  There was no way out of the situation except to decide, and he was finding it hard to even weigh his options coherently.  Panicking, he glanced around the room for some way to stall for time, some way to breathe for just a second and think straight.  His eyes rested on Tsukishima, still sitting at the front of the store, reading, completely oblivious to the scene playing out just a few meters away.  Bad idea.  All the emotional bullshit he'd been mulling over earlier came flooding back in, clouding his thoughts even more.

Ushijima noticed Yamaguchi’s fevered glance, and followed it, breaking eye contact for the first time since he had been introduced.  “Oh, I’m sorry,” he apologized, backing off respectfully. “I didn’t realize you were already taken.”

That was all Yamaguchi needed to regain his voice, and even a little bit of his composure. “Oh, no, you’ve got it wrong,” he said, laughing nervously. “I’m not going out with Tsukishima.”

“Oh.  I must have misread that look.”

"Well, I mean, not completely..." Yamaguchi sputtered, not sure why he was explaining himself.  He considered backtracking, making up an explanation, or maybe just running away, but then decided hey, why not just tell the truth?  If Ushijima was going to extreme levels of straightforwardness, so would he.  "I’ve just," he started, taking a deep breath, "had a thing for him for a really long time.  And I've never told him, and I'm on the verge of giving up, and I've kind of been in turmoil over it.  And now you're asking me out, and I'm still not sure how to feel.”  He winced at his own honesty.  It sounded rude coming out of his mouth, as opposed to saying it in his head.

Ushijima, to his credit, listened patiently, brow furrowed in concentration as he seriously processed Yamaguchi's words.  He glanced again over to where Tsukishima still had no idea he was being talked about, then back to Yamaguchi, looking him up and down, seemingly deep in thought.  "Why haven't you told him yet?" he demanded finally.

"Um.  Great question.  I'll get back to you when I figure that out myself."

His expression deepened into a pensive scowl.  It was another long pause before he spoke again.  "Well," he said with finality, "my offer still stands.  You can agree to it, or confess to Glasses-kun over there, but either way you should stop making yourself wait.  It's hurting you.  Stop letting yourself be hurt."

Time slowed down suddenly.  Something tugged low in Yamaguchi's gut.  He felt like he had just fallen in a dream and woken up to the sensation of hitting the ground.  Maybe his heart stopped?  But in a calming way, like that's what it was supposed to do.  Whatever response he had been expecting from Ushijima, it wasn't that.  But at the same time, he felt like he'd been waiting years to hear someone speak those exact words.

Before he could say anything in response, however, the door to the back room swung open, and Iwaizumi walked out with a flustered Oikawa in tow.

“Oh hey, Ushijima. Oikawa neglected to mention that you were here,” Iwaizumi said, shooting a critical look at his now disheveled-looking fiancé.

“Ooh, so sorry Iwa-chan, I was a little distracted,” Oikawa sang in response.

“It was you doing the distracting, dumbass.”

"Semantics," he conceded with a flippant shrug.  Neither of them were aware that they had just interrupted anything of importance. "Well, I got what I came here for.  Ushiwaka-chan, you ready to go?"

"Sure."

Oikawa turned to kiss Iwaizumi goodbye, then waved cheerfully to Yamaguchi.  "Bye Iwa-chan! Yama-chan!” he called, striding casually towards the front door without waiting for Ushijima to follow.

Ushijima nodded a silent farewell to Iwaizumi and Yamaguchi before turning to follow Oikawa out without a second glance. Iwaizumi headed to the back again, since he certainly hadn’t been taking stock as he'd said.  Time sped back up, and suddenly Yamaguchi could feel opportunity slipping out of his hands.

Everything blurred together, and he didn't know what he was doing until his hand was wrapped around Ushijima's forearm, and he was looking up into mildly surprised eyes that, by grace of much closer inspection, he now realized were a muted olive color.  Not particularly bright or expressive, but so impossibly deep.  But Yamaguchi couldn't afford to get lost in them right now.

“I get off at three,” he said quickly. “There’s a café owned by someone I know a couple blocks away from here—Oikawa will know where it is.  I'll see you there.”

Ushijima nodded in affirmation, and Yamaguchi let go of Ushijima's arm, maybe a little too slowly.  For once, Ushijima broke eye contact first, looking down at the place Yamaguchi's hand had just vacated and back up with an unreadable expression.  Uncertain what to do or say now, Yamaguchi just nodded back, turned around, and walked away.

He thought he could feel eyes boring holes into his back as he reentered the building, but it was probably just his imagination.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited 5Sept16

“Well it took so much effort to get you to come with me, but aren’t you glad you did?"  Oikawa looked up smugly from unlocking the door, for what reason, Ushijima was uncertain.

“Wasn't the point of that so you could demonstrate how great you are at relationships?  Because I learned nothing," Ushijima pointed out helpfully.

“Oopsie, forgot about that. Sorry,” Oikawa apologized in a tone that didn't sound very apologetic. “I’m sure you absorbed some of my expertise just being in the same building as us, though. Sit down and make yourself at home," he invited, gesturing towards the cozy, cluttered living area.  "I’ll make us some tea.”

Ushijima took a seat on the couch, which was just as comfortable as the last few times he'd been here.  It was one of the few furnishings in the apartment that Iwaizumi had supplied, and Oikawa claimed that it was the sole source of all the problems throughout his entire life and would probably give everyone in the apartment complex cancer.  Iwaizumi insisted that the ugliest, oldest couches were always the best, and if Oikawa could find a better one, he was welcome to replace it.  Evidently, that was a battle Oikawa still had yet to win.  And probably expected not to win, considering that he'd clearly been redecorating to minimize its impact on the room.  Oddly, even though the layout of the apartment was in constant flux, it never seemed to be clean when Ushijima came over.

"Did you see how few customers there were, Waka-chan?" Oikawa called over the kitchen counter.  "I'm really getting worried about Iwa's business.  He insists it's just that I never come in when it's actually busy, but I don't believe him.  I've been telling him he needs to start advertising more, but he thinks what little he's doing right now is enough.  And I'm like, if it's enough, where all the people at, though?  Know what I mean?"

Ushijima hummed in disinterested affirmation, and Oikawa kept talking.  Oikawa needed to vent a lot, according to Iwaizumi.  He'd said that talking to Ushijima was especially therapeutic for Oikawa, since Ushijima never interrupted and let him talk for as long as he wanted.  It seemed odd to Ushijima that someone could go on and on without wanting anything in response, but it made Oikawa happy, so he went along with it.  Yamaguchi had pointed out it out, too, that having someone to talk to seemed to fuel Oikawa.  At least it was interesting listening to what he had to say, even though he rarely included sufficient context, leaving Ushijima a little in the dark but nonetheless following his trail of thought as best he could.

"That's just my opinion, though," Oikawa concluded, cutting his monologue off earlier than usual, it seemed.  "Anyway, what did you think?  It's a nice place, right?"

"Yeah.  It's organized and spaced well despite how small the building is.  I liked it," responded Ushijima honestly.

"I know right?  I think he should choose his employees better, though.  Like, at least make Glasses-kun stand in the back facing a corner so you don't have to see his sour face right when you walk in!" Oikawa said, sticking his tongue out at the thought.  "Speaking of employees, did you have a nice chat with Yama-chan while Iwa and I were busy?"

Again, Ushijima hummed in response, this time with an uncertain pause beforehand.  He wasn't sure if his interaction with Yamaguchi could be considered a "nice little chat", though he had certainly enjoyed it.  Oikawa didn't notice his hesitancy and kept on talking.

"Isn't he cute??  Every time I see his sweet little freckled face I just wanna pick him up and take him home with me!  His skin is super soft, too, but when I told him that, he got all flustered and couldn't look me in the eye for like a week."

Oikawa was making some good points, Ushijima thought.  He'd have to take some mental notes.  Considering the fact that he'd just asked out the first person he saw that he liked, he still wanted to make a good impression.  Yamaguchi certainly _was_ cute, first of all.  He'd have to be sure to touch his skin to make sure it was as soft as Oikawa said.  Compliments make him blush, so better say a lot of them.  Was the picking him up and taking him home thing serious?  Because Ushijima was pretty sure he could if he wanted to; Yamaguchi looked plenty light enough for him to lift with relative ease.  He'd have to ask.

"What did you two talk about?" Oikawa asked.  "He looked pretty frazzled when I saw him.  You better not have said anything to upset him, or Iwa-chan'll kick your ass!  He's like an overprotective mom to all his employees."

Why Oikawa always said four things in a row and expected answers to all of them, Ushijima would never understand.  He sighed softly, trying to compile his thoughts into a single concise response that could essentially serve to answer everything.  "Hmm..." he hummed pensively, eventually settling on a solid reply.  "I asked him on a date."

Something small and metallic clattered in the kitchen--probably a spoon dropped on the floor, Ushijima surmised.  The sound of Oikawa's hands slamming on the counter was louder.  "You what?!?" he demanded, louder still.

That wasn't the response Ushijima had been expecting, especially considering that he thought he'd spoken loudly and intelligibly enough to be heard.  "I...asked Yamaguchi out?  I thought I was speaking clearly..."

"Why?? Why would you do that???"

Oikawa's eyes were wide with incredulity, and he seemed quite agitated for no apparent reason.  To make sure he would realize how ridiculous he was being, Ushijima enunciated clearly and sternly for him.  "You said it yourself that he's cute.  And you wanted to set me up on a date with someone in the first place.  Now you don't have to.  I set myself up.  So what's the problem?"

"Oh my god, okay, let's count all the problems with this situation!" Oikawa exclaimed with great unnecessary drama, quickly striding around the kitchen's peninsula to sit down on the offensive couch beside Ushijima, armed with splayed fingers for counting on.  "One: if you had done anything to hurt him, Iwa-chan might bite your face off.  Two: Why would you ask anyone out five minutes after you meet them??  Three: Yama has a whole dramatic unrequited love thing going on with Glasses-kun, and it was gonna be so beautiful when they finally got together and admitted their feelings!  You could have ruined it!!  Four--"

"Wait, what do you mean 'could have'?" Ushijima demanded, cutting him off before he could explain the fourth thing.

"Well duh, there's no way Yama-chan would have agreed to go out with you.  He's literally in love with his best friend," Oikawa said matter-of-factly, crossing his arms as if to close the conversation.  "The moral of the story is, don't go asking people out if they're guaranteed to reject you."

"Oikawa.  He didn't reject me.  I'm meeting him after he gets off work at three," Ushijima insisted.  "He said something about a café that you'd know about?"

That caught Oikawa's attention.  "The Crow's Nest?  Oh my god, I love that place, I need to take you there sometime," he raved automatically, before realizing the implications of what Ushijima had said.  His demeanor shifted drastically, though it was no less animated.  "You're serious.  No fucking way.  You need to tell me everything!!"

Everything?  What constituted everything?  Ushijima didn't really know where to start, but Oikawa's expectant expression meant he couldn't get away with saying  _nothing_.  So, maybe he should start at the beginning?  "Well, it started when you asked me to come to--"

"Let me stop you right there," Oikawa interrupted, holding his face in one hand.  He took a deep, defeated breath before starting again.  "Okay, I'll just ask questions, and you just answer them, okay?  Okay.  So, what did he say when you asked him?"

Ah, that Ushijima knew how to answer.  "He said yes."

"OH NO SHIT REALLY?  Wow I couldn't have guessed that!!" Oikawa whined sarcastically, which was a little unnecessary seeing as he was the one who asked.  "Okay, how about this: how did he react when you talked to him?" he said, trying painstakingly hard to word it in a way that prompted a longer answer.

"I don't know," Ushijima started, trying to recall as many relevant details as possible.  "He looked sort of...scared of me.  But, not in a bad way.  He blushed and stuttered a lot, but that's a good sign, right?  I think...he liked me."  Finishing with that, he looked to Oikawa for confirmation.

Oikawa was lacking in the confirmation department, however.  "Well, to be fair, Yama-chan stutters and blushes about everything," he said with a shrug.

"Oh."  Ushijima was a little crestfallen.  He was under the impression that the way that Yamaguchi had looked at him meant something special.

"And how can he be scared of you in a good way?  That's kind of creepy, Ushiwaka."

"I don't know, but he was," Ushijima defended lamely.  Maybe he had misread the situation after all.  The suggestion that Yamaguchi might not have been that interested hurt more than it should have for some reason.

"Maybe the only reason he agreed to go out with you was because he felt pressured into it."

"No."  The word surged out of Ushijima's chest without him willing it to.  If there was one thing he was certain of, it was that.  He could tell from the firm grip of Yamaguchi's hand around his arm that there was nothing timid about his consent.  Everything about his expression, tone, stance--it had been almost aggressively confident.  "Oikawa, You didn't see the look on his face.  He meant it."

Mildly surprised, Oikawa threw up his hands in resignation.  "Okay, if you're sure, then you're sure.  Anyway, we should probably start getting you ready, right?  Three isn't that far away."

Ushijima looked at him quizzically, not understanding.  "What...what do I have to do to get ready?"

"Well, if you think you're walking out of my apartment for a date dressed like that, you've got another thing coming."

Ushijima looked down at his plain t-shirt and athletic shorts, not seeing the problem. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”

Oikawa howled with laughter for a solid ten seconds, before abruptly coming to terms with the fact that Ushijima actually meant it.  “Wait… you’re serious?  Oh.  Oh fuck, this is bad. Thank god I'm here to save you.”

“Save me from what?”

"Ruining your own date!!  First impressions are everything, Waka."

“Well, I already made my first impression," Ushijima pointed out.  "We've already met.”

With a resigned sigh, Oikawa prepared himself to explain.  “Clearly you don’t understand the power that one’s appearance has.  Subconsciously, everyone forms opinions about each other based on the way they look.  Clothing has the ability to shape those opinions, so you can control the thoughts of everyone around you.”

Rather than replying, Ushijima just looked at him like he'd grown a second head.  Oikawa actually had devious, hidden motives behind the way he dressed and acted?  Frankly, Ushijima was a little shocked.  Maybe he should watch himself around Oikawa from now on.  He was completely unfazed by Ushijima's incredulous stare, too--either ignoring it or fueled by it, Ushijima couldn't tell which.

"Okay~" he said suddenly, clapping his hands and rising from his seat.  "Let's get started.  I have the perfect thing in mind for you, just wait.  You can borrow some of the stuff I've picked out for Iwa-chan!"  He walked back into their bedroom, leaving the door ajar.  Ushijima wasn't sure if he was supposed to follow.

"Will Iwaizumi be okay with me borrowing his clothes?" he called in the direction of the open door.

"Oh don't worry, he barely ever wears what I get for him," Oikawa reassured.  "I keep saying he should wear more tight clothing, but he never listens.  Now his shirts  _should_ fit you since you've both got the whole broad-shouldered thing going on, but Iwa has such short legs, so his pants aren't going to work for you... I think I have a pair that's a little big on me that you can try on..."  His head popped through the door frame with a commanding glower carved into it.  "Hey, don't just sit there!  We've got a lot of work ahead of us to make you look even remotely presentable, so chop chop!"

Ushijima sighed in resignation and complied.  This was going to be a long, agonizing process either way.  Resisting would only make it worse.

 

o o o o o

 

“Yamaguchi, hi!! What’s with that look on your face? You look like you’re going to throw up!”  Hinata swooped upon Yamaguchi the second he entered the door, beaming and shouting as usual. “You look like Kageyama when a customer actually says something nice to him!!”

“I HEARD THAT, DUMBASS," Kageyama yelled from the back of the restaurant, audible over even the din of the patrons' noisy chatter.

Yamaguchi chuckled warmly at the familiar antics, feeling the knot in his stomach loosening a little. “I’m not going to throw up, Hinata.  But I might ask to hide under your counter for, say, a couple of years at least?”  He slightly regretted suggesting that this be the site of his date with Ushijima.  Everyone here knew him a little too well, and he somehow doubted they'd be respectful of his privacy.  Come to think of it, he slightly regretted agreeing to go on a date at all.  What was he thinking?  The potential for disaster was far too high.

"Hmmmm I don't know.  You'll have to ask Suga if it's okay," Hinata dictated seriously before scampering off to attend to his tables, leaving Yamaguchi alone without warning.  He watched Hinata run around ambushing innocent people trying to eat, chattering animatedly about something that probably had nothing to do with their food.  Yamaguchi heaved a deep sigh.  Home sweet home.

The Crow’s Nest Café really was a home to Yamaguchi, given how long he had worked there and all the friends he had made within its walls.  It was situated on a busy street corner, and had massive floor-to-ceiling windows.  Although the interior decoration and wall colors were dark and crowded, the natural sunlight was almost blinding, making the small room seem to swell with its warmth and spill out onto the sidewalk.  Even when it was nearly empty, even if the only taken seat was filled by a poor college student that really just wanted to study in peace please, the café always seemed to be bustling and lively.  This was on account of the raucous employees, incapable of comprehending the purpose of silence.  If you’re looking for somewhere where everybody respects your personal space and desire to be left alone, this was the wrong place to be.  The staff was far too friendly for that.

Today was a moderately busy day.  At least half the tables were taken, populated with lively, talkative groups and a few lone people on their laptops with their headphone volume probably turned all the way up.  Yamaguchi was flooded with relief.  His greatest fear had been that the restaurant would be empty, and he and Ushijima would have the entire staff hovering over them nonstop.

Behind the counter, Sugawara caught Yamaguchi's eye after yelling at Tanaka to stop intimidating the customers, and he waved ecstatically.  “Yamaguchi Tadashi, long time no see,” Suga greeted with his omnipresent smile as Yamaguchi approached.  "I think it's been almost...three days now!  You just never come by anymore."

"That's because I don't work here, Suga-san," Yamaguchi explained with feigned patience.

"Oh.  Well if that's the case, then why the hell are you here?  Don't you have a life?"

Yamaguchi snorted with laughter.  Suga's playful banter always made him feel better, and today was no exception.  "Actually, having a life is kind of why I'm here..."

Suga leaned in as he trailed off, clearly expecting something juicy.  Fortunately, Yamaguchi was not about to disappoint him.  He paused a bit more for dramatic effect, then conspiratorially enunciated, drawing it out as much as possible, "I'm on a date."

 

Gasping excessively and clutching his face in his hands, Suga's reaction was exactly as over-the-top as Yamaguchi had expected.  "Oh my god, I don't believe it!!!"

"Believe it," Yamaguchi declared proudly, basking in the glow of Suga's excitement.

"You finally asked him???  I never thought I'd see the day!!!" 

The warm feeling shattered.  It took Yamaguchi a second to take in Suga's meaning.  "I--what?" he stammered.  "No.  No, no it's not Tsukki."

The ecstatic expression left Suga's face as quickly as it had come, and his voice dropped into serious mode.  "Yamaguchi.  We talked about this.  I thought you were done dating other people to try to get his attention."

"What?  I am!  It's not--I mean--I wouldn't... This is completely different!" Yamaguchi sputtered frantically, trying to explain.  True, the last few relationships he'd been involved in were mostly for the purpose of making Tsukki jealous, and hadn't exactly lasted long or been healthy.  He was far from proud of it.  Nothing to be done now except make sure not to do it again.  Suga was well acquainted with his struggle, and had done a lot to help him break the habit.  No wonder he was looking so disappointed now.

"Oh?  What makes it different, huh?" he demanded.  Yamaguchi flinched at the harshness of his tone.

"Well, I mean, first of all--"

"Hey, is Yama-kun here??" came a thunderous voice rolling forward from the kitchen.  A spiky head peeked over the dividing wall, its owner on tiptoes to see through the window.  "Hey Yamaguchi!!  I thought I heard you!"

"Nishinoya, get back to work, we're having an important discussion," Suga commanded in his sternest boss voice.  Nishinoya's head disappeared, but not before Yamaguchi watched a devastated shadow fall across his face.  He would be in a dour mood for the next hour or so--during which food production would grind to a halt--if someone didn't go calm him down.

 

"I'll have to apologize for that in a second," sighed Suga.  He took a second to compose himself before turning back.  "Yamaguchi... What exactly happened?"

"Just reserve your judgement for the end, okay?" he pleaded, though Suga's crossed arms and skeptical aura suggested that the judgement start right now.  "Okay.  So it was someone Oikawa brought in at work today--"

"Not a good sign," Suga interrupted.  "Oikawa has awful taste."

"I mean, yeah he does, but..." Yamaguchi shook his head in frustration and then everything spilled out in one long, rambly sentence.  "That's not the point!  So Oikawa brought him in and then left him alone to go bang Iwaizumi-san in the back like he always does, so I started talking to him because _someone_ had to keep him company.  And oh my god, Suga, he was so. Incredibly. Hot.  And I couldn't believe it when he started hitting on me, and I even told him that I've been wanting to date Tsukki forever, but--"

"You  _what?_ " Suga exclaimed incredulously, interrupting again.  "You told someone who asked you out that you had a crush on someone else??"

"No Suga-san, really, you don't understand!" Yamaguchi insisted, putting his foot down and raising his voice, desperate to convey the feelings swirling in his gut.  "I've never even met this guy before, and he was coming onto me sooo hard, Suga, but then when I got uncomfortable he just totally backed off and listened to what I had to say!  And he told me that it didn't matter what I wanted to do, but that I should just stop waiting and do  _something_ because I was only hurting myself by doing nothing, which is _so true_ , I mean that's what everyone has been telling me forever!  But I didn't believe it until it came out of his mouth, I mean what kind of complete stranger even says that??  I couldn't let him just walk away after that!"

For once, Suga lapsed into shocked silence.  He gave a low whistle and muttered, "Well, I guess I can't argue with you there."  Yamaguchi, visibly panting from how agitated he'd been a moment ago, only nodded.  He watched Suga shift from hyper-protective parent mode back to his typical easygoing nature, a sheepish tilt to his smile for his slight overreaction.  "Sorry for being so difficult... You know it's just because I don't want you to get hurt, right?"

"Yeah.  Yeah, I know."  And he did.  There had been plenty of times when he needed that talk.  It's not like Suga could tell.

Once the tension had simmered down completely, a slow, devious grin that Yamaguchi didn't trust gradually split Suga's face.  "I can't wait to meet him."

"No.  I don't know what you're planning on doing, but I'm not letting you do it."

"Uh huh... So what's he look like?"

"I'm not telling you that!  You'll just have to guess when he comes in."  Just because Suga had seemingly accepted Yamaguchi's explanation didn't mean he was planning to go easy on Ushijima.

Suga's devious expression waxed at Yamaguchi's refusal. “Oh I see,” he teased, “you want me to loudly ask every single person that comes through that door if they’re looking for you?  If you insist.”

“Nonono please!" Yamaguchi begged, unwittingly fueling Suga's self-satisfied smirk.  "Look, I'll make a bet with you," he suggested.  "If you can guess who he is  _without_ asking him and everyone in the restaurant, I owe you ten bucks."

"I'll take that wager," Suga agreed, reaching over the counter to shake hands on it.  He then called for Hinata from across the room for some suspicious reason Yamaguchi couldn't divine.  In about two seconds, the little ball of sunshine in question was at Suga's side.

"Suga-saaan, what do you want me to do??"

"I want you to tell everyone that if they can help me guess who Yama-kun's date is, I'll bring donuts into work tomorrow."

With nothing but a brief, excited "yessir!", Hinata scurried away to fill his directive.  Yamaguchi watched him go with an exasperated glare that he then turned on Suga.  "Okay, that's cheating."

"All's fair in love and war," Suga sang.  "And this is definitely war.  Now what can I get you?  You're holding up the line."

Yamaguchi glanced behind himself nervously, and came face to face with empty air.  He rolled his eyes at his own gullibility.  It wasn't exactly surprising, especially since Suga pulled it on him every time.  Besides, even when the cafe was packed, people came and went relatively infrequently.  Usually, their customers came for the atmosphere, and they came to stay.  Defeated, he turned back around to make his order.  "I'll have a--"

"Let me stop you there.  I already got your order," Suga said, holding up a piece of paper he'd scribbled on when Yamaguchi's back was turned.  "I'm guessing you still want the same exact thing you always do, right?"

"Actually, no, but since you already have it written down, I guess I don't _have_ to try something new today..."

"Settle down, smartass," Suga replied with an affectionate smirk.  "Your chai tea latte and cinnamon roll will be out _after_ I go make sure Nishinoya isn't having a breakdown in the back."

"Thanks Suga-san," Yamaguchi said warmly.

As he started towards an empty table, he heard himself called back.  Yamaguchi reluctantly looked over his shoulder, skeptical about whatever bullshit Suga had forgotten to mention.  Oddly, he was looking much more serious now, and Yamaguchi felt the knot in his stomach twitch.

"Hey.  Are you nervous?" Suga asked, brow furrowed perceptively.

Caught, Yamaguchi heaved a resigned sighed and returned to the counter.  "A little, yeah," he confessed.  "I...just met him.  Sure, the first impression was great, but I still don't know anything about him.  What if we don't have anything in common?  What if he actually hates me?"

"Hey."  Suga paused until Yamaguchi glanced up from his fidgeting hands and looked him in the eye.  "Whatever happens," he reassured, "we've got your back, okay?  You came to the right place."

As reassured as he could be, Yamaguchi finally took his seat, making sure to face the counter so he wouldn't miss Ushijima's entrance.  He took a deep breath, tried not to look out the window, and hoped he wouldn't have long to wait.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edited 17Sept16

Based on the unassuming exterior of the building, Ushijima certainly wasn't expecting the chaotic scene contained within.  The atmosphere was heavy with the noisy chatter of both patrons and employees and swirling with such animated movement that it made him dizzy trying to follow any of it.  It smelled like breakfast.  Like really good breakfast smell, the kind that's so strong and enticing that it shakes you out of sleep from the next room over.  One extremely short and fluffy-haired employee accidentally careened into him on his way to a table, bouncing off harmlessly as though he'd run into a wall.  Wide brown eyes flashed their whites in Ushijima's direction, accompanied by a squeak that might have been an apology, and then he was running away again to a chorus of well-meaning, raucous laughter.  Ushijima had no idea what was going on, but at least based on Oikawa's description he was pretty sure he had the right place.

A silver-haired barista waved from the counter at the back of the cafe, catching Ushijima attention.  "Hey, you're a new face!" he called jovially.  "I don't think I've ever seen you in here before.  Why don't you come over here and introduce yourself?"

Ushijima walked toward the counter compliantly, simultaneously welcomed and a little put off by the familiarity with which he was being addressed.  He wasn't sure if he was expected to respond in kind, or what.  It was slightly preferable to the typical ultra-respectful customer service he usually encountered, though.  At least he was being talked to like a normal person.

“My name’s Sugawara Koushi," said Sugawara Koushi.  "And you are...?" he prompted warmly.

“Ushijima Wakatoshi.”

Sugawara's face lit up at the sound of his name.  "No way.   _You're_ Ushijima?"

"I...Yes," Ushijima replied.  He had just said that.  Why was this Sugawara person asking such a redundant question, and why was he being fixed with such an ecstatic stare?  Sugawara looked at him like he had just received the most amazing gift of his life, and Ushijima's instincts were telling him that did not mean anything good.

"So does that mean Tooru is with you?" Suga asked, and Ushijima understood everything.

Of course.  It all made sense.  Oikawa had said he knew the owners of this place.  Ushijima shouldn't have been surprised that they had heard about him, as apparently Oikawa talked about him a lot.  Hopefully, Sugawara wouldn't be disappointed that he was unaccompanied.  "No," he answered.  "It's just me today."

"Ah!! Even better!!" Sugawara shrieked in response, startling Ushijima even further.  "Oh, sorry, sorry," he comforted, looking genuinely apologetic.  "You look really uncomfortable.  It's just, Tooru comes in every once in a while, and he's told us so much about you."

"That's the second time someone has said that to me today.  I'm starting to think it might not be a good thing."

Unexpectedly, his monotone statement had Sugawara doubling over the counter with laughter.  "Oh please, everyone knows his opinion isn't worth shit," he reassured.  "Tooru talks smack about everyone he's ever met.  Honestly, don't think anything of it."

That was oddly comforting to Ushijima.  It was genuinely worrying him to think that his reputation would be ruined with everyone Oikawa had ever talked to.

"It really is an honor to finally meet you, though," Sugawara continued.  "I'm surprised it took this long, considering he's promised to bring you in for the longest time.  And now that you're here, he's not even gonna show.  How sad."

Ushijima was about to reassure him that Oikawa not being here wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but they were interrupted by a man with a shaven head who leaned out from the kitchen window to stare at him.  "Can I help you with something, Tanaka?" Suga asked.

"Just...checking to see if that's him," Tanaka said vaguely, ducking down a little as though maybe Ushijima hadn't noticed him yet and he didn't want to risk being seen.

"No, this is just one of Oikawa's friends," explained Sugawara with a dismissive wave.

"Didn't Yamaguchi say it was one of Oikawa's friends, though?"

"Hmm, true.  But to be fair, Oikawa really gets around, so that's not narrowing it down much.  I don't know, do you think he looks like Yama-kun's type?"

Tanaka gave Ushijima. one more probing once-over before answering.  "Nah.  Looks more like your type, Suga."

"Thanks for that," Sugawara said dryly, picking up a napkin and crumpling it up threateningly.  "I'll be sure to let Daichi know if we're ever looking for a third."  Tanaka zipped back into the safety of the kitchen before the paper projectile could hit him.  Turning to address Ushijima apologetically, Sugawara explained.  "We made a bet with a friend.  He's meeting someone here on a date, and we're trying to guess who it is.  Don't pay any mind, okay?"

"Not at all.  I hope you find him," Ushijima responded.  Watching the amusing scene, he had wondered if he should speak up, seeing as he was obviously the person they were looking for.  It had looked like they were enjoying themselves though.  Better not to ruin their fun.  Vaguely, Ushijima wondered if the restaurant was always like this.  Organized chaos wasn't something Ushijima was well acquainted with, but as he was exposed to it more it had begun to grow on him.  He might have to come here more often, especially if the food was as good as it smelled.

"So what can I get for you?" Sugawara finally asked, somehow reading Ushijima's mind perfectly.  "I assume you were planning on eating here right?  You didn't just come in to be harassed by the staff?"

Ushijima nodded in affirmation, requesting black coffee and fried eggs on buttered toast, his favorite breakfast food.  The smell was too nostalgic not to.  Sugawara took his order with a smile and told him to sit down wherever, and one of the servers would be out soon with his food.  He looked surprised when Ushijima didn't leave.

"Was there...something else you wanted?" he asked politely.

"I just wanted to know, since you seem to be well acquainted with him," Ushijima started, somewhat relishing the confusion written across Sugawara's features.  "Where is Yamaguchi sitting?  I was supposed to meet him here."

It was fascinating to watch the color drain from Sugawara's cheeks so quickly.  His mouth fell open and stayed that way, effectively rendered speechless.  All he could do was point in a vague direction, and when Ushijima looked that way he saw Yamaguchi sitting in plain sight alone in a booth, waving in greeting.  Admittedly, Ushijima could have seen him just fine without needing to ask for direction.  But what was the fun in that?  He thanked a still speechless but much more agitated Sugawara for his help, and strolled as casually as possible over to the seat on the other side of Yamaguchi's table.

"You know, in all the time I've known Suga, I don't think I've ever seen him  _that_ speechless," Yamaguchi conceded.  "I'm impressed."

"Thank you," Ushijima said, admittedly proud of his achievement.  Then his eyes landed on the plate on the table in front of him and became painfully aware that Yamaguchi had been waiting up for him, for how long, he had no idea.  "Sorry, I know I'm a little late..."

"Oh, I've only been waiting a few minutes, don't worry about it," Yamaguchi said, waving his hand dismissively.  "Besides, I can see that Oikawa had to make sure you were dressed up to his standards."

"Ah."  Ushijima glanced down at the ensemble he'd been forced into.  The jeans and thin sweater were too tight, he'd complained.  There was more fabric rubbing against him than he was used to and he hated it.  Oikawa claimed he just didn't know what well-fitting clothing was supposed to feel like.  "How could you tell?"

"Well, I've seen Iwaizumi in that sweater once.  Just once.  It wasn't exactly a good look for him.  But, ah, you pull it off really well..."  As Yamaguchi trailed off, he snagged his lower lip between his teeth, gaze lingering for a little too long before snapping back up to normal conversational level.  Just as quickly, he averted his eyes down at his own hands wrapped around his cup, then to the side out the window.  Ushijima frowned.  Disappointing.  According to Oikawa, Yamaguchi "wouldn't be able to look away" if he dressed the way he was told, yet here Yamaguchi was looking everywhere but at him.  Second first impression ruined.

And now the silence between them was stretching on uncomfortably, without even so much as eye contact.  Even with the general easygoing din everywhere around them, the air in between crackled with palpable tension.  Ushijima had never been more conscious of his inability to small talk than in this moment.  Seeing as he was the one who asked Yamaguchi here in the first place, he felt responsible for ensuring that he wasn't boring him or wasting his time...

He hadn't been aware that he was spacing out until a muffled choking sound brought him back.  He snapped to, surprised to see Yamaguchi flushed from trying not to laugh—a marked difference from his shy stuttering earlier.  "Suga is giving me the dirtiest look right now,” he said, sounding undeniably pleased.  “What did you say to him?"

"Not much...  He said more to me," Ushijma recalled.  He found himself suddenly fixated on watching Yamaguchi’s every subtle movement.  Obviously he was an expressive person by nature, and Ushijima had been expecting more of the quiet, nervous demeanor from before to surface now.  The easy confidence written all over him was a bit of a shock.  Ushijima lost focus on what he was saying, trying to make sense of Yamaguchi’s body language.

"What did Tanaka do to piss him off though?  I couldn't figure it out by just watching, but he looked _so_ mad."

Ushijima blinked slowly, thinking.  Keeping track of the bright look in Yamaguchi’s eyes and the way he leaned forward conspiratorially as though sharing a secret.  "He said that I was more Sugawara's type than yours.”

"That would explain a lot," Yamaguchi snickered knowingly.  His face scrunched up when he smiled, Ushijima noted.  “Tanaka should know by now that Suga prefers hitting on people on his own.”

“Oh, so that’s what that was about.”

“Don’t mind it, Suga flirts with everyone.  I don’t think he _has_ a type.”  He used his hands so often when he talked, touching his arms, fluttering his slender fingers.  It was mesmerizing.  Vaguely, Ushijima wondered why he’d never payed attention to peoples’ hands before.  Were they always so active?

"So...what’s your type, then?" Ushijima heard himself ask.

"I-- uh," Yamaguchi stuttered, the familiar deer-in-the-headlights expression once again characterizing his features.  Ushijima was struck by the return of blood rising to the surface of his skin, beginning to color it dark.  Unfortunately, Yamaguchi recovered quickly this time, a sly grin spreading across his face.  "Well we’re on a date right now, aren't we?” he teased.  “So if I had to guess, I'd say _you're_ probably my type."

Ushijima squinted.  He hadn’t realized how much he’d enjoyed the nervous spluttering until it was gone.  It seemed wrong to want such a negative reaction, but...  On one hand, it seemed like Yamaguchi was far more happy and comfortable now than when they’d met.  On the other, it meant he wasn’t the flustered, stuttering mess who’d hung on Ushijima’s every word and melted under his gaze earlier.  As endearing as this new confidence was, for some reason Ushijima couldn’t shake the desire to make Yamaguchi sweat.  His face didn’t look quite right without the violent carmine color spreading across his cheeks...

"Back at you then, what’s your type?" Yamaguchi cut in when Ushijima didn’t respond, one eyebrow raised as though to say ‘If you’ve got such a problem with my answer, let’s hear yours.’

"People who blush easily,” Ushijima replied reflexively.

He had meant it as a terse testament to his wayward thoughts, but Yamaguchi seemed to take it more as a command, reddening instantly.  One of those expressive hands was now covering his mouth, as though to hide the fact that it was opening and closing soundlessly.  He looked up at Ushijima through his lashes, muttering “okay, good answer” from between his fingers.  Stunned, Ushijima felt his own face growing warm.  Maybe it was just because of how unexpected the reaction was, or maybe because he was already watching Yamaguchi’s every move, but either way, Ushijima was suddenly conscious of the naked affection swirling in his eyes.  How had he missed that before?  It made his chest tighten to be fixed with such a gaze.

The server who had run into Ushijima earlier was at the side of their table in a flash, holding Ushijima’s order which had miraculously remained unspilled despite the reckless speed at which he seemed to constantly tra

“Suga wanted me to ask you,” he said to Yamaguchi quickly, slamming the cup and plate on the table and almost ruining his no-spill streak if it hadn’t been for Ushijima’s lightning reflexes.  “Do you want your bet money now, or should he just subtract it from what you owe him for eating here all the time?”

Yamaguchi started squabbling with him immediately with great animation, breaking whatever spell had had Ushijima so transfixed.  Or at least, he thought so, until he met Yamaguchi’s apologetic eyes again and felt his gut twinge instantly, tugging him back into the same feeling from before.

The next few hours sped into a blur.  He was introduced to seemingly the entire staff, and in between, he and Yamaguchi continued their awkward conversation, which admittedly got less awkward the longer it went on, it seemed.  He found out that Yamaguchi had worked here for a long time, which would explain why they were interrupted every twenty minutes by another new staff member dying to meet him.  They were loud and colorful, and Yamaguchi looked so indescribably happy whenever they popped up.  And a different kind of indescribably happy when they left--a private, conspiratorial kind of happy, the kind that had Ushijima struggling to breathe again.

That chest-tightening sensation was more or less all that kept him going.  He couldn’t remember the last time he had talked so much in one day.  It was exhausting.  Yamaguchi seemed to understand that Ushijima wasn't necessarily the biggest talker, guiding most of the conversation and asking a lot of questions.  By the time most of the other patrons had left, their duo had moved to the counter and turned into a group thing, since Sugawara insisted they stay and chat through closing, which inevitably included everyone on staff.  Lots of loud, idle conversation and inside jokes, which Yamaguchi took the time to lean in and explain to him in a patient, intimate tone.  Ushijima was relieved not to have to talk as much, content to just watch and listen for as long as he could.

Eventually, though, Sugawara insisted on kicking them out.  “This isn’t a goddamn _nightclub_ , I mean, we stop serving food at four,” he’d said, shoving them out the door around eight.

One uncertain, silent pause later, Ushijima found himself offering to walk Yamaguchi home.

 

o o o o o

 

“I actually have an apartment with Hinata and Kageyama and a couple regulars from the café,” Yamaguchi was explaining, just for something to say.  “It’s been so long since I’ve had peace and quiet, I’ve forgotten what it feels like.”

Ushijima hmmed quietly beside him, which Yamaguchi had learned meant he was listening.  It was true, the quiet was taking some getting used to.  Especially since Ushijima seemed to be quiet most of the time.  He didn’t waste words, that was for sure.  Even his body language was quiet and conserved, radiating this stern, unapproachable kind of energy that Yamaguchi was pretty sure was completely unintentional.

“How do you ever sleep?” Ushijima asked after a pause.

Yamaguchi's face split into a wide, only slightly resentful grin.  “Let’s just say I used to be a light sleeper," he said drily.  "I got trained out of that really quickly.”

He was pretty sure he heard Ushijima snort softly at that, maybe even saw him smile a little, which Yamaguchi internally counted as a win.  Ushijima had a great sense of humor, really, and a habit of saying the most hilarious things in a dry monotone.  The most Yamaguchi had seen him emote so far had been when he laughed.  Well, that and when he'd started eating and insisted upon complimenting everyone involved in thhe food-making process.  Food and humor--his two great passions, evidently.  Yamaguchi could empathize with that.

Honestly, Yamaguchi was mostly using those occasional smiles and chuckles to judge how well the date was going.  He was having difficulty gauging exactly how interested Ushijima was otherwise.  The man simply had no tells--none that were obvious, at least.  Though, he supposed the simple fact that he was accompanying him home was a good sign.  Yamaguchi glanced up to observe Ushijima's blank, forward-facing expression.  For someone who had just virtually insisted that he walk Yamaguchi home, Ushijima was looking very passive.

Unbidden, Yamaguchi's eyes were tugged down, away from Ushijima's stoic face to his spectacularly contoured body below.  He snapped his gaze away just as quickly, horrified of being caught looking, though he doubted that Ushijima registered his gaze.  Next time he saw Oikawa, they'd have to have a little chat about what was appropriate date attire.  Preferably not something that had Yamaguchi drooling all over himself and struggling to look Ushijima in the eye.  Oh, but the few times Ushijima'd had his back turned had been a godsend.  Yamaguchi bit his lip, trying not to betray his less than innocent thoughts and failing miserably.  He glanced back briefly just to sate his wayward thoughts and was startled to find Ushijima looking back at him.

Ushijima, oblivious to Yamaguchi's attempts at ogling him, cleared his throat hesitantly before speaking.  "I'm, ah, not very familiar with this part of town.  It's nice," he commented.

It was a pleasant surprise to hear him start a conversation.  Yamaguchi counted that as a win, too.  "I'll have to walk you around here sometime," he invited warmly.  "It's one of my favorite passtimes, just, walking around, people watching."

Yamaguchi saw his turn coming up.  His apartment was only a block away, but the thought of cutting their conversation now was unbearable.  Taking a deep breath, he made a split second decision to keep walking straight, hoping Ushijima didn't notice his hesitancy.  Like he'd said, he wasn't familiar with the area.  He might not even register when Yamaguchi looped them around back to this same street.

"People watching?" Ushijima asked, not registering Yamaguchi's subtle pause.

"Yeah, you know.  You watch strangers and try to imagine what they're saying, what they're thinking, what kind of lives they lead.  It's fun."  He tapped Ushijima's arm and gestured discreetly with a flick of his head to one of the few other people in sight, who happened to be a bespectacled woman on the other side of the street, typing something into her phone with fervor.  "Take that woman for example.  Is she waiting for someone who's late picking her up?  Maybe she's having a fight with her boyfriend.  Or girlfriend.  Or sister or something.  What do you think?"

It was a treasure to watch Ushijima's face as he deeply pondered the question, his eyebrows scrunching together in concentration, casting even darker shadows over his deep set, pensive eyes.  "What makes you think she's mad?" he asked, pouting thoughtfully.

"I don't know, she looks pretty tense, doesn't she?"

"She might be just worried.  Or stressed."

As they watched on, a small blond girl approached her from behind and tapped on her shoulder.  The woman with the glasses whipped around in shock, gasped loudly enough that they could hear her from across the street, and embraced her like they hadn't seen each other in years.  Yamaguchi had the sudden feeling that he was looking in on a very private moment, and he urged himself to look away.  A side glance confirmed that Ushijima was still watching, deep in contemplation.  The concentrated expression didn't leave his face as they rounded a corner and lost sight of the scene.

“Thank you for offering to walk home with me,” Yamaguchi spoke up once the moment had passed.

“My pleasure,” replied Ushijima.  He made no attempt to say anything after that.  Yamaguchi glanced over again, trying to gauge how long he should wait before talking, only to find Ushijima fixing him with his contemplative stare.

"What?" Yamaguchi asked reflexively.

Ushijima paused before answering.  "Just thinking."

"Uhm.  About what?"  It made Yamaguchi a little uncomfortable to be under such close, unfaltering scrutiny.  He was suddenly conscious of just how close Ushijima was walking beside him.

"Are you nervous about something?"

"Hah.  I'm always nervous," Yamaguchi spluttered, rounding an arbitrary turn.

Ushijima finally averted his gaze, grinning in a way that wasn't just an incidental quirk of the lips.  "Yeah," he said contentedly.

Well now _that_ was the most emotion he'd shown all day.  Yamaguchi felt his cheeks flooding with color.  He could hear his heart pounding in his ears.  Because the expression of utter, affectionate bliss on Ushijima's face was directed towards _him_.  It was such a small, insignificant thing by most standards, but given how stony-faced Ushijma had been the entire afternoon, it was the best reaction he could have hoped for.

“Yamaguchi?” Ushijima cut in, interrupting his thoughts.

“Ah...yes?”

“I think we might be walking in circles.”

Yamaguchi froze.  He'd been found out.  Ushijima was much more observant than he gave him credit for.  “I, uh.  May have taken the scenic route,” Yamaguchi admitted, voice dripping with guilt.

“You know, you can just say something if you want me to stay with you longer.”

“I-i-it was an accident, I swear!"  Yamaguchi struggled in vain to reclaim his honor.  "I just spaced!!”

Ushijima hummed beside him again.  This time, Yamaguchi was pretty sure it wasn't because he was listening.  He was being side-eyed with what was by Ushijima's standards, a vicious smirk--in reality just a slight twitch in the corner of his mouth.  Ushijima was actually teasing him.  Unbelievable.

“Well my apartment really is right up ahead now, if that makes you happy,” Yamaguchi declared with a fake pout, finally making the turn onto the street that would actually lead them to their destination.

“It doesn’t.”

Yamaguchi didn't know how to respond to such a blunt, honest response.  They inadvertently walked the last half-block in silence, stopping at the foot of the stairs leading up into the apartment complex.

“Uh, um... You probably want to know how to get home from here, right?  Here, hold on a sec...” Yamaguchi trailed off, fishing around in his pockets, relieved to find a pen in one of them.  “Here, give me your hand.”

The ink came out only in hesitant spurts, so he sucked the nib to get it flowing, trying to ignore Ushijima’s expression at the edge of his vision lest he lose all composure.  In smooth blue lines he started sketching out a simple map to the nearest train station onto Ushijima’s calloused palm.  The extended contact was making goosebumps rise on Yamaguchi's skin.  In vain, he tried not to think about how warm Ushijima's hand felt in his, tried not to observe and memorize every detail of his skin.  Once he thought the map was clear enough, Yamaguchi took a deep breath and added his number underneath.

“Just in case you, uh, want to see me again,” Yamaguchi explained clumsily, finally looking up from his handiwork.  He was startled to discover that the angle at which he was writing had brought them in unreasonably close vicinity, his nose only a few centimeters away from Ushijima's.  For a second, all he could do was blink, uncomprehending, and stare into the searching, blown wide pupils in front of him.  He could _feel_ the close distance between their bodies as though they were already brushing against each other.

Suddenly, Yamaguchi was aware that he'd kept his hold on Ushijima's hand even after he was done writing on it.  When he had recovered enough mental facilities to move, he reluctantly withdrew his grip.  Only to have Ushijima snatch it back.  A thumb skated over his knuckles and the inked palm pulled Yamaguchi in even closer.

The proximity sent shocks through his system, pushing his thoughts into overdrive.  It was pretty clear he was about to be kissed.  Were you supposed to kiss on the first date?  Did _he_ usually kiss on the first date?  Probably not, since he didn’t think he’d dated anyone who made his head turn to mush like this.  What was the protocol here?  Aren’t you supposed to always leave them wanting more?  He didn’t want to seem too eager, right?

Then Ushijima’s other hand was cupping the side of his face.  Oddly enough, the gentle intimacy of the touch slowed Yamaguchi's thoughts down.  Fingers softly traced his jaw as though mapping its contours, a thumb pressed briefly on his lips to test if they would be as soft as they looked.  Ushijima’s searching eyes were asking permission.  He was waiting for Yamaguchi to close the gap, giving him time to pull away if he so chose.  Yamaguchi gave in instantly, closing his and leaning in to slot their lips together.

Ushijima's mouth was soft and searingly hot against Yamaguchi’s, and it tasted a little like stale coffee but also better than he could have ever imagined, and as soon as he lost himself in it, it was gone.  Way too soon, Ushijima pulled off, hands only lingering for a second longer before they too were withdrawn.  The loss of contact was almost painful.  Like Ushijima had taken a hold of something in their brief moment of connectedness and ripped it out in their parting.  Yamaguchi felt stupid, still standing paralyzed, mouth slightly agape, where he'd been left.  Then again, he couldn't exactly remember how to move.

"I'll see you again soon," Ushijima was promising, walking away.  The distance gave Yamaguchi some of his presence of mind back, at least enough to quietly mutter "okay" and wave half-heartedly at Ushijima's receding form, who returned it with a slight smile.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Edited 23Sept16

The apartment was dark when Yamaguchi walked in.  Only once the door closed behind him did he remember how to breathe, inhaling in deep gasps as though he'd just escaped drowning, which didn't feel very far from the truth.  Relieved that no one seemed to be home, Yamaguchi silently rejoiced that he seemed to have escaped any questioning.  He slipped off his shoes at the doormat beside the eight-odd other pairs in various sizes and flicked the lights on.

A low moan came from a couch (the apartment had three), and a disheveled-looking Haiba Lev rose up from a reclined position rubbing his face. “Why’d you have to turn the lights on? I was trying to sleep.” he asked in a tired croak.

“Why the hell are you sleeping in here when you have a perfectly good bed not twenty feet away?” Yamaguchi demanded, trying to hide how much Lev's sudden appearance had scared the shit out of him.

“Inuoka’s working in there and it was keeping me awake,” Lev whined, flopping back down out of sight.  “I told him to go somewhere else but he insists he works best in our room.”  Inuoka had an unfortunate habit of thinking out loud when he was really focused, so loud even Lev couldn’t sleep through it—and he could sleep through anything.  They were both students at the nearby university; Inuoka was studying mechanical engineering and usually spent his free time excitedly picking apart random broken devices he came across for free or cheap, while Lev studied foreign languages and spent most of his time taking catnaps in weird places.  The couch was a step up from the last time Yamaguchi had found him, when he had somehow managed to condense his long-limbed body into a tight curl on top of the running dryer.

“I’m not turning the lights back off,” Yamaguchi stated indifferently, and headed towards his room, ignoring the background noise of Lev grumbling about having to get up and do everything himself.  Grateful that Lev was too groggy to ask why he was coming in so much later than usual, Yamaguchi closed the door behind him and then collapsed on his bed, staring at a ceiling covered in cheap glow-in-the-dark stars, lost in thought.

Yamaguchi’s room was small, even by shitty apartment standards. He had room for a bed, a tall bureau and a heavily laden desk, but little else. Storage space had been maximized by the presence of shelves all along the walls.  Probably it was never really meant to be a bedroom, and had been converted from some kind of closet or storage area.  At least they had added a window, making the tiny space feel a bit less claustrophobic.  The rest of the apartment was cramped as well, considering it had two actual normal-sized bedrooms, yet housed five people.  Lev and Inuoka shared the room furthest down the hall, and Kageyama and Hinata inhabited the one next to Yamaguchi’s little space.  Judging by the silence on the other side of the thin wall, they probably weren't home yet.

They had all met at the Crow’s Nest about a year and a half ago—he, Hinata, and Kageyama as employees and Lev and Inuoka as regular customers—and had become extremely close friends.  When Inuoka suggested getting an apartment together after high school, the decision had been unanimous.  And what a great decision it was.  Since the apartment was so small and rather neglected, the rent was about as low as it could get—not to mention the fact that they were splitting the bill five ways.  Plus it was located close to where Tsukki shared an apartment with his brother, much closer than where Yamaguchi had previously lived at his mom's place.

His thought’s shifted to Tsukishima.  They had been close since middle school, and for a while he was the only friend that Yamaguchi had.  Despite his cool exterior, he was someone that Yamaguchi could confide in with just about anything.  He was a good listener, though he often didn’t say much in response, and everything he did was the result of careful consideration.  In Yamaguchi’s often hectic life, Tsukishima was the one thing that was consistent, stable, predictable; he was the only person that Yamaguchi could rely on no matter what.  Suffice to say, his long-unreciprocated feelings for Tsukki were far from unfounded.  But it was soothing to know that he no longer need worry about letting those pesky non-platonic feelings get in the way of their friendship.

He couldn’t wait to tell Tsukki about his date.

Thinking about the day made Yamaguchi's head swim.  Given how bleak his outlook had been first thing in the morning, having to go into work ridiculously early to help sort through a new shipment, things had certainly taken a hundred and eighty degree turn.  He specifically recalled saying to Iwaizumi at six am, running only on intermittent sleep and a near-deadly amount of caffeine, that it felt like he was finally totally dead inside.  When he'd decided to take some time before going to university to save up some money and figure out what he wanted to do with his life, he hadn't expected the crushing monotony could be quite this bad.  Well, he could kiss that crushing monotony goodbye.  And all it took was making a ridiculously rash decision and throwing himself to the mercy of relentless uncertainty.

Ushijima said he wanted to see him again.  After wasting an entire afternoon on Yamaguchi's awkward conversation and stuttering attempts at flirting, he wanted to do it all over again.  And under no uncertain terms, either; this wasn't a maybe-I'll-call-you-maybe-I-won't situation.  Even more improbably, this was a person that Yamaguchi liked  _back_.  Not just that Ushijima was ridiculously hot, but also that spending hours doing nothing but talking with him had actually made Yamaguchi want to know him _more_.  And all this was predicated on what, fate?  An unlikely chance encounter?  It was too ridiculous to be real.

Thoughts swirling uselessly, Yamaguchi felt the need to clear his head.  He aimed to take a shower before Hinata and Kageyama could get home to fight over it.  Grabbing a towel and opening the door, he found that Inuoka had left his room and was excitedly explaining something to the couch, where Lev was no doubt curled up trying to ignore him.  Inuoka turned around, apparently hearing Yamaguchi entering the room.

“Tadashi-kuuun!!” he called excitedly.  “I didn’t know you were home!  Check out this thing I’ve been working on.”  He held out what Yamaguchi could only assume must be a motor, attached to a small wheel.  “I’m gonna fix it onto a cheap scooter and ride around, doesn’t that sound cool?”

“It sounds dangerous,” Yamaguchi replied with an even expression, “but have fun getting yourself hurt.”

Inuoka was undeterred.  "Oh, I will!  Don’t worry Mamaguchi, I’ll be sure to wear a helmet."

Rolling his eyes good-naturedly, Yamaguchi turned towards the bathroom and called back, “I’m going to take a shower so try not to use the hot water.”

One bathroom shared between five people was a pain in the ass, and there was never enough hot water to go around.  But at least the room was spacious, and the shower was accompanied by a full-size tub. Yamaguchi closed the door and turned on the water to give it time to warm up. He stripped and laid his clothes neatly on the counter before stepping into the steaming downpour. The sudden heat was jarring, and the burning sensation that spread down his body hurt, but it was a cleansing kind of pain that he adjusted to quickly.  The white noise of water hitting the floor brought a sharpness to Yamaguchi’s thoughts; he felt that he could finally sort through them with clarity. And one important thought that he'd all but overlooked was suddenly staring him in the face.

He had only met Ushijima a few measly hours ago.  They barely knew each other.  What he had learned about Ushijima was to the depth of his entire character as a teaspoon is to an Olympic swimming pool.  Sure he seemed like a great person, but that was just on the surface.  Who knows what's happening beneath it?  Who knows what he might have been hiding about himself to seem more appealing?  It was hard to imagine Ushijima having any malicious intent or anything, but he was also probably on his best behavior to make a good impression.  Yamaguchi knew it was easy to get wrapped up in the idea of a person and then disappointed when they turn out to be more flawed than expected.

And okay, let's say Ushijima actually turns out to be as amazing as he seems first glance.  Good people—especially amazingly attractive ones—have high standards, so why on earth would he have dropped them so far as to actually ask Yamaguchi out?  It was a bitter thought, but not unwarranted.  He was far too quiet and meek, setting unprecedented levels of awkwardness physically and socially, incapable of making decisions or standing up for himself, not to mention possessing long awkward limbs he still never knew what to do with covered in splotchy skin he'd always hated...

 _No_ , Yamaguchi had to remind himself, hands skating consciously over the faint tally mark scars crisscrossing his thighs.  None of them were fresh, not by a long shot, but a few were pinker than others.   _I'm not ugly.  I don't hate the way I look or act who I am.  And the way other people think of me doesn't dictate my sense of self-worth._  Repeating mantras he'd said over and over again countless times before, trying to trick himself into believing them.

Therein lay another problem.  Admittedly, Yamaguchi had a tendency to cling people who made him feel wanted.  Sugawara was convinced that he'd dated people just to make Tsukishima jealous, but part of it was that actually being desired was such an amazing novel feeling, he couldn't bring himself to reject the attention he'd gone so long without.  And Ushijima had certainly made him feel wanted, Yamaguchi thought, swallowing thickly as he remembered the sensation of Ushijima's hand cupping his face like it might vanish under his touch.  But no.  This was completely different from the compulsory reciprocation he was used to feeling.  Or at least, he thought it was.  The pounding of his heart just from the memory of the incident supported that notion.

Realizing he'd been in the shower for quite a while, Yamaguchi reluctantly turned off the water and stepped out of his steam-filled sanctuary to dry off. He struggled to slide his damp legs into the pants he had been wearing earlier, his phone sliding out of the pocket in the process and clattering to the floor.  Picking it up, he saw he had a message.

| **From: Unknown <<<**

| **Thurs. 10:13 pm**

|This is Ushijima Wakatoshi.  Your map was very helpful.  I am free next Monday after six.  Can I see you then?

Yamaguchi snorted at the forwardness of the message, not to mention its rigid grammar.  He hadn't expected Ushijima would be so eager.  It was endearing.  Grinning stupidly, he added the number to his contacts.

| **> >>To: Wakatoshi-kun**

| **Thurs. 10:24 pm**

|yeah, im free that day.  what did you want to do?

A thump came from the other side of the bathroom door, followed by loud, indistinguishable squabbling.  Clearly, Kageyama and Hinata were finally home from god knows where.  Slipping his phone back into his pocket, Yamaguchi picked up his shirt and towel, bracing himself to face the ruckus.

He was instantly treated to the sight of Kageyama and Hinata wrestling on one of the couches, probably fighting over who got to sit where, even though they usually ended up awkwardly cuddling anyway.  "Yamaguchi!" Hinata called, temporarily forgetting to fight back. “Put a shirt on and come get ready for the movie!”

“Hinata you’re literally not wearing a shirt right now, don’t give me that shit," Yamaguchi retorted.  "And I know for a fact that Kageyama isn’t wearing any pants, either.”

“Pants are just leg prisons!  I’m not wearing them in my own damn house!” Kageyama growled, peeking over the backrest to glare at Yamaguchi who was struggling to bite back laughter at his serious tone.

Every Thursday night was movie night.  Judging by the banging sounds and cuss words coming from the kitchen, it was Lev's turn to make snacks.  And it was Inuoka's turn to pick the movie, which would inevitably be some American sci-fi atrocity, though he honestly had pretty good taste in them.  Yamaguchi settled into his typical place under his typical blanket and opened his phone again to see if Ushijima had replied.

| **From: Wakatoshi-kun <<<**

| **Thurs. 10:27 pm**

|Oikawa got angry at me for texting you too soon.  How soon is too soon?  I don't get it.

|We can eat somewhere again.  Or go on a walk, like you said.  Whatever you want.

Despite his uncertainty, Yamaguchi couldn't suppress the warm feeling swelling in his throat as he excitedly typed out a response.

He still wasn't sure what to think or how to feel, but he was excited to have the opportunity to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to take the time here to thank everyone who has commented and kudos'd and bookmarked my work, it really means a lot. Honestly, every single time I see I have a new comment, I get so excited I can't even begin to describe. Just, really, from the bottom of my heart, thanks


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Unedited

I'm super angry with this chapter.  The pacing is all wrong and awkward, and I'm deleting it all until I'm finished with the revised version.

For anyone that might actually see this, I'm sorry, but that warning in the description is there for a reason.  Seriously, this is the roughest part of the story, even though the stuff that happens in it is actually really cute and important.  Just knowing it was still up was literally keeping me up at night.

Give me a few days to iron it out, and from here on, revisions should be a lot lighter.

Thanks for your patience.


	6. Walls

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima is obviously jealous, and Yamaguchi is even denser about it than you'd expect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tsuki & Yama = salt squad
> 
> I am convinced that Yamaguchi is the kind of person that is super sweet, shy, and innocent when you first meet him, but then turns into a snark master the closer you get to him. So his and Tsukki's relationship is like 90% snark, and Ushijima is going to be gradually exposed to it and get really confused.
> 
> This chapter took forever for me to write, gomen!! But hey, I'm really happy with how it turned out, and it wouldn't have been that great if I had rushed it, so...

“Do you see that sign over there in the corner?”

“Yeah, I see it.”

“Just walk over to it and what you’re looking for will be on the shelf under it.”

“Oh, thank you for your help!”

Once the customer was out of earshot, Tsukishima sighed. “I dread the day when people learn how to read, Yamaguchi. Then I’ll be out of a job.”

“Oh come on Tsukki, you already barely do anything, and Iwaizumi still pays you,” Yamaguchi quipped back. “Besides, no matter how literate people are, idiocy is boundless.”

“Is that supposed to be comforting?” he smirked in reply.

“Hey, it guarantees that people in customer service will always have job security.”

Tsukishima shrugged and nodded in resignation. “Fair point. Now help me restock this top shelf.” He climbed up a rather rickety ladder, standing mostly by sheer force of will, and waited for Yamaguchi to start handing him merchandise.

“Be careful, Tsukki!” Yamaguchi said, earning himself a generous eye-roll from his friend. He placed a steadying foot on the bottom rung before grabbing something from the box on the floor and passing it up.

Twice a week, Yamaguchi had the exact same shift as Tsukishima. Thank god, since it was the longest shifts either of them had, and they usually ended up being the busiest days of the week. If he had to do it alone without being able to mutter snide comments to Tsukki in passing, Yamaguchi would have lived in constant dread of those seemingly endless work days. Instead, they were rather therapeutic. Even though Iwaizumi often chided them for doing more gossiping than working, he was quick to jump into their conversations too. Out of all the employees, they had worked under him the longest, and he frequently told them that the worst headaches he’s ever had were either caused or cured by that fact. During the darkest hours, when they were short-staffed, busy, and/or dealing with a missing shipment of merchandise, they were a fearsome combination. Yamaguchi’s sincerity and patient way of helping disgruntled customers was complimented by Tsukishima’s straightforward and intimidating presence wielded against the most belligerent assholes. Not to mention that they were both capable of being deadly efficient, handling customer service while doing three other things at the same time. However, when the store happened to be crisis-free…

“OW, Tsukki don’t drop stuff on my head!!”

“Oh sorry from up here it looked just like a target,” Tsukishima said unapologetically. “My bad.”

“You know that if I take my foot off this ladder and stand to the side, I think I could get you to knock over like three rows of shelves.” Yamaguchi paused and pretended to scope out and calculate the angle the ladder would fall in. “Maybe four, actually.”

“Please, don’t overthink it and hurt yourself. If you let me control the angle, I could get at least six.”

Yamaguchi met Tsukishima’s superior smirk with a half-pout, half-scowl. Without breaking eye contact, he abruptly lifted his foot off the bottom step for a second and then brought it back down, making the ladder teeter precariously and Tsukishima almost fall off. Yamaguchi cracked up at the look of his usually ultra-composed friend frantically clutching the sides of the ladder, a petrified look plastered on his face.

“Why does everybody think you’re such a nice guy? I could have DIED.” Tsukki struggled to compose his face back to its typical cold and pissed-off setting.

“Oh please, that’s not much higher compared to where you usually are just by standing up straight.”

“Wow, is that a tall joke? Haven’t heard that one before. Totally original.”

“Thanks, yeah it was. How’s the weather up there, anyway?”

Iwaizumi popped up around the corner, interrupting their banter, a fun-ruining glower on his face. “Care to explain what the hell you two think you’re doing?”

“Um... restocking?” Yamaguchi said, phrasing it as a question, trying to look innocent as he showed Iwaizumi the box he was holding.

“Can you, maybe, I don’t know, try to restock a little less obnoxiously?”

“But…if we do it any less obnoxiously, you won’t come tell us off for it, and then I wouldn’t get to hear your beautiful voice, Iwaizumi.” Yamaguchi tried to keep up the pseudo-innocent act, giving Iwaizumi a simpering look reminiscent of a certain someone he knew well. Tsukishima’s shoulders shook in silent laughter.

“That’s it, I’m telling Oikawa that he’s never allowed in here again. He’s been a bad influence on you for too long,” Iwaizumi muttered, massaging his temples. “Good impression of him, though. The urge to punch you in the face was almost as strong as the real thing.”

“I’ll work on it more for next time.”

“Just get back to work.” They both responded with an exaggeratedly formal “yes sir” as Iwaizumi went back to the front.

They finished up quickly after that, though Yamaguchi kept up his imitation of Oikawa the whole time, calling Tsukishima “glasses-kun~” so many times that he threatened to jump off the ladder and land on Yamaguchi knees-first.

“Hey, you should come over after work today,” insisted Tsukki. “I haven’t kicked your ass at video games in a while.”

“Yeah it must have been a long time ago for you, but for me it was actually pretty recent.”

Tsukishima ignored his snarky response. “Akiteru has been asking about you. It’s getting annoying, so you’ll need to appease him for me.”

Brightening at the mention of Akiteru, Yamaguchi exclaimed, “Oh! He hasn’t been home the last few times I’ve been over! It’ll be nice to see my big bro again.”

“Ugh, stop calling him that, it encourages him.”

“Whatever, he likes it when I call him my brother. And he’s cool. It runs in the family.” Yamaguchi retreated from Tsukishima’s exasperated glare to break down the now empty cardboard box and throw it in the recycling bin out back. He felt a buzz against his leg once he was outside, and picked his phone out of his pocket to see a new message from Ushijima:

-When’s your lunch break? I want to see you.

Yamaguchi frowned and bit his lip thoughtfully before texting back.

-I only get like a 30 minute break. You don’t need to come all this way for such a small window of time.

Almost instantly he received a reply.

-I don’t care. I want to come anyway.

‘That’s so sweet, that he wants to come see me for even a small amount of time,’ thought Yamaguchi with an indulgent smile appearing on his face. And yet…the way that Ushijima frequently pushed to see him as much as possible… It was a little stress-inducing, especially since they had barely been going out a week now. It felt like things were accelerating at an alarming rate, and he was caught between being excited for where they might go and worried that they might end up going so fast that everything would fall to pieces.

Regardless, Yamaguchi really wanted to see him.

-Whenever you get here I should be able to take my break right away. See you then.

He closed his phone and walked back inside, trying in vain to suppress the obvious excitement on his face. Looking around the store to see if there was something that needed to be done, a customer to help or something, he saw Tsukishima fighting with the ladder. It had never really closed properly, or stayed up properly, or done anything properly, and presumably had always been broken. Yamaguchi walked over and grabbed the side opposite Tsukishima and helped force it closed so that it could be latched shut.

“I’ll take it into the back,” Yamaguchi offered happily.

“What the hell are you so eager about?” was Tsukishima’s skeptical response as Yamaguchi picked up the decrepit ladder and started walking it to where it belonged.

“Oh, um, Ushijima’s coming to go on lunch break with me.” Yamaguchi’s cheeks acquired a light red glow and he cast his eyes down.

“Tch.”

The disapproving tch made him look back up. He found Tsukishima’s expression had soured. “What’s that for?”

“Well,” Tsukishima began, head angled to the side, looking away coldly. “You’ve only been seeing him for what, a week? Why are you getting so excited? You barely know him.”

Yamaguchi didn’t understand the connection. “What does how well I know him have to do with anything?” he demanded, scrunching his eyebrows together quizzically. “I like spending time with him.”

“You’re too quick to trust. I’m holding out for when he reveals what a dick he is.”

“He’s not a dick.” Yamaguchi insisted, setting the ladder down emphatically to underline his point. “You’ve barely even spoken to him, if at all, so you have no idea what you’re talking about.” He faced Tsukishima with his hands on his hips over a wide stance, ready to defend Ushijima against any accusation Tsukishima could hurl at him. Coincidentally enough, turning around had resulted in him having a great view of the front door as the subject of their conversation walked in. “What? How did he get here that fast?” Yamaguchi blurted out without meaning to. Tsukishima glanced behind him, then rolled his eyes angrily and walked away without another word. Confused and having difficulty processing what just happened, Yamaguchi stood there for a second, glancing back and forth between Tsukishima’s swiftly receding back and the inaudible conversation between Ushijima and Iwaizumi that was taking place at the front entrance. Eventually he snapped out of it and walked towards the front, head still cloudy with incomprehension.

Iwaizumi’s immediate response once Yamaguchi entered earshot was to say, “You’ll be wanting to take your break now, I suppose?”

“Um, yes please,” Yamaguchi grinned sheepishly.

“Well get out of here before it gets busy again.”

“I won’t be long, I promise.” Yamaguchi tried to avoid Ushijima’s gaze, worried and embarrassed that he was being reprimanded by his boss as well as Tsukki for wanting to go out on his break.

“I know you won’t,” Iwaizumi smirked. “See you in half an hour.”

Yamaguchi ducked his head and hurried to punch out. Only when he was at the front door did he meet Ushijima’s eyes, finding them clouded by concern. “Come on, we have to be fast and go somewhere close. I’ll take you where I always go for lunch,” he beckoned, holding out his hand.

Ushijima shrugged and took it, following him outside.

 

o o o o o

 

They wound up at a nearby sandwich joint, ordering and receiving their food quickly. Ushijima thought that something was off in the way that Yamaguchi was talking to him. He was biting his lip frequently, staring into space, and sometimes not responding when he was asked a question. He insisted that he was happy to see Ushijima and loved getting to see him unplanned in the middle of the day, but clearly there was something troubling him. It was like a looming shadow was cast over him, and once they had sat down, Ushijima demanded to know what it was.

“How did you get here so fast?” was Yamaguchi’s indirect response. He said it as though he had been thinking it over and over, trying to decide how to bring it up. “You walked through the door like five minutes after you texted me.”

“I was already on my way,” said Ushijima nonchalantly, wondering how that was related to whatever was troubling him.

“What?” The incredulous look on Yamaguchi’s face suggested that this answer was somehow unsatisfactory. “What if I had said that I couldn’t come?”

“I would have just eaten somewhere near here. I wanted to go out of my way for lunch anyway, why not try to work a visit with you into my day?” It was pretty straightforward to Ushijima, but prompted Yamaguchi fell into an uncomfortable silence and avoided his eyes. He had been happy to be here, happy to get the opportunity to intrude upon Yamaguchi’s day, and he would have been fine if that opportunity hadn’t worked out—that was the risk he took by coming relatively unannounced, wanting it to be a little unexpected. But he was concerned that something about his presence was upsetting to Yamaguchi. The tense gap in conversation stretched on before Ushijima finally bridged it with a question.

“Is everything okay? Did I do something wrong?”

“No!!!” Yamaguchi jumped to insist. “Of course you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just that… Well…” He looked away, apparently trying to decide whether or not this was something he should say. He took a deep breath and turned back to quickly ask, “Do you think that we’re going too fast? I mean, I barely know you, and you barely know me. We’re getting really emotionally involved already and for all you know I could actually be an asshole.”

Too fast? It was true that they had spent relatively little time in each other’s company. But he already felt like he knew plenty about Yamaguchi, certainly enough to know that he wanted to be “emotionally involved” with him. “First of all, you’re not an asshole and nothing can convince me otherwise.” Ushijima insisted, wondering why that would possibly be worrying Yamaguchi. “Secondly,” he went on, pausing to meet Yamaguchi’s nervous eyes with an intense stare, “if you think we’re going too fast, I’ll gladly lay off. I don’t want to do anything to make you feel rushed or uncomfortable.”

Yamaguchi briefly looked like a deer caught in headlights. Then unexpectedly, he burst into laughter. “You come on so strong, you know that? Even when you’re saying something reassuring, I feel like I’m staring into the sun.”

“Oh?” This wasn’t exactly news to Ushijima. But he was curious why Yamaguchi would react to it like that.

“Yeah it’s hard not to get swept up in your intensity. I like seeing you all the time but it’s also really taxing being in your presence, like I’m being pulled along by a powerful current.”

“You don’t like my intensity,” Ushijima said more as a statement than a question, getting frustrated due to confusion. He thought he was supposed to be the blunt one, but the way Yamaguchi was talking was giving him a stiff competition.

“I love your intensity,” Yamaguchi was quick to insist, putting his hands on the table and leaning in to emphasize his point. “It drives me crazy. Right now I’m kind of living for it, and being exposed to it when I spend time with you makes my entire day.” Once he was apparently convinced that Ushijima was reassured, he went on to explain. “But I think that you texting me all the time that you want to see me, and seeing you during so much of my free time… It’s a lot for me to handle. I need just a little more space.”

“Well I’m happy to give you a little space,” Ushijima conceded with a shrug. “But if you think I’m going to back off completely, you’ve got another thing coming.”

The cloud that had been hovering over Yamaguchi dissipated, and he finally cracked an honest smile, untroubled by any of the doubts that had formerly darkened his thoughts.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

 

o o o o o

 

“Hey Akiteru!” Yamaguchi called into the apartment once Tsukki opened the door, rolling his eyes.

“Oh my god, is that Tadashi??” came an answering call from the kitchen, Akiteru’s head popping out from around the door frame. “How’s it going? Still keeping my little bro company I see.”

“Piss off, Akiteru,” was Tsukki’s very eager response as he walked down the hall to his room and disappeared into it.

Akiteru yelled after him in response, “Love you too, bro!” before Tsukki could shut his door.

“I’m good Teru, what’s new with you?” Yamaguchi cut in.

“Oh not much just still slaving away at the office. Nothing major going on in my life,” he said, waving off Yamaguchi’s question. “Your life is way more interesting, I’m sure, especially since I haven’t seen you in forever! So what’s new with YOU?”

“Same old same old for the most part. Except, I uh… I’m kind of seeing someone now?”

“No. Fucking. Way.” Akiteru leaned in closer with every word, then whispered, “Did you finally work up the guts to ask Kei?”

“What???? No!!! Why would you even ask???” Yamaguchi demanded far too loudly.

“I thought you’ve been into him for like the past few years. Weren’t you?”

“I mean…y-yeah. But I never told you!”

“You didn’t have to, Tadashi,” Akiteru said with a sly wink. “I can read you like a book. You are my little brother after all.”

“Well it’s not him,” Yamaguchi insisted, earning himself a resigned shrug and a snide smile. “It’s… somebody I just met actually. His name is Ushijima Wakatoshi.”

After a slight pause Akiteru prompted, “Well come on, tell me about him. I want to hear everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything. Including both the things you want to say, AND the things that you’re probably too embarrassed to tell me.”

Yamaguchi laughed, more at the suggestion that he might actually include any of the latter in his description than anything. “Well… He’s really tall, the same height as Tsukki I think. And really… broad shouldered. He plays on the same volleyball team as Oikawa, and I think he’s a super powerful wing spiker, though I haven’t yet had the opportunity to see that in action. He’s extremely blunt and honest, and everything about him just…exudes intensity. But he’s also really quiet, and I think he doesn’t like to talk very much. I don’t know.” Glancing up at Akiteru and then away, Yamaguchi decided that maybe there was one embarrassing thing he would dare say out loud. “He… He said my freckles are like stars. And that I’m beautiful. I…really like him.”

He looked up to see Akiteru misty eyed and trying not to show it. “He sounds like a good guy. I’m glad my little bro found someone who is making him happy.”

“Well we’ve only been dating for like a week, so it’s really too early to tell, but—“

Tsukishima finally came back out of his room, interrupting Yamaguchi mid-sentence. “Are you two going to be talking all day? Come on Yamaguchi, I’ve got everything set up.”

“Oh, okay. Bye Teru, it appears I’m being summoned.” He followed Tsukki through his door, noting that Street Fighter III was set up on his Xbox, and sat down in his usual place on the edge of the bed. “Wow, you really want me to kick your ass today, huh?”

“Oh please,” Tsukki snorted, thrusting a controller at Yamaguchi arrogantly. “You dare come into my house and say that shit? I’ll destroy you where you stand.”

“You wish. Now shut up and start the damn game.”

Tsukishima Kei was unshakably cool and calm in public. He had adopted the disinterested aloofness that characterized his every action at a young age, wielding them as weapons against a volatile and unpredictable world. Intelligent as he was, he realized early on that he had nobody but himself to rely on when it came to self-defense. So he built his wall high and honestly preferred to look at others from the top of his carefully-constructed tower; better to preemptively assume that they would end up hurting him than to later regret letting them in.

But Yamaguchi had his own door right through the wall. It was only around him that Tsukishima felt like he could let his defenses down completely. He still maintained a certain level of coldness, but the desire that he felt for the rest of the world—to hold it at a distance like a rabid dog on a leash—just wasn’t there. When Yamaguchi was around, he actually had working facial expressions. Though he avoided physical contact in any way possible on a daily basis, he found himself readily reaching out to touch Yamaguchi. Not in any significant way; mostly to shove him away when he said something stupid and incendiary, which was basically all the time. When they were alone, they communicated mostly by physical jabs, snide remarks, and inside jokes, and it felt like the most natural thing in the world.

Yamaguchi took that for granted without realizing it.

Right now the two were locked in silence, focused intently on the screen as their characters fought. Suddenly Yamaguchi felt an elbow dig into his side, making him yelp and throwing his game off enough that Tsukishima quickly won, a smug smirk on his face to show for it. He mashed buttons, eager to proceed to the next round, as long as they were playing dirty. Right off the bat, Yamaguchi elbowed back, and found his jab blocked by Tsukishima’s arm. They pushed against each other, struggling to maintain composure fighting in the virtual world as well as the physical one. Yamaguchi feinted up with his elbow, deceiving a distracted Tsukishima and then managing to get in a solid hit right above his hip. Tsukki almost dropped his controller and promptly lost the second round.

“You really want to play this game, Yamaguchi? Be careful, you don’t know what you’re getting into.”

Matching Tsukishima’s challenging stare with one of his own, Yamaguchi affirmed, “I know exactly what I’m getting into. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you have a chance.”

The third round had barely started before Yamaguchi found a hand in his face, pushing him backwards until he was lying on the bed. Laughing, panicking and unable to see the screen, he wildly mashed attack buttons while using his reclined position to attack Tsukishima with his legs. Tsukki had made a mistake in taking a hand off his controller to attack, and Yamaguchi’s button mashing was effective when Tsukishima’s character was literally unable to move. By the time he realized his mistake and reclaimed his hand, Yamaguchi had the opportunity to pop back up and finish the job.

“Well, well, would you look at that? In a twist of events that surprises absolutely no one, I completely kicked your ass.”

“You shouldn’t be acting so smug about such a small victory. Honestly, at least try to pretend to have some sense of scope, please.”

“Hey Tsukki, you know what would make this game even better?” Yamaguchi asked, eyebrows raised impishly.

“Don’t you dare.” Tsukishima was not having it. Every damn game they played, Yamaguchi had to go and pull this shit.

“Because. I think, that I know, what you think, that would make this game even better…”

“I swear to god, Tadashi.”

“There’s something that it’s just lacking if you know what I—“

“Don’t do this to me.”

“It needs more dinosaurs.”

In a fit of mock-rage, Tsukishima grabbed one of the figurines off his shelf, shaking it in front of Yamaguchi’s face threateningly. “Don’t mock my passions, Yamaguchi. I’ll shove this fucking stegosaurus right up your ass, I swear.” Laughing uncontrollably, he was barely able to put up a fight as Tsukki tried to pin him down. Yamaguchi only put in a token effort and was soon lying down with one wrist trapped in Tsukki’s vice grip and the other hand flat against his chest trying to keep him at arm’s length. When Tsukishima abruptly stopped struggling, he opened his eyes to find that his friend’s expression had deepened into a cold scowl. Then the weight was lifted off of him as Tsukki sat back up on the edge of the bed, his back to Yamaguchi, silent for a while.

Then, seemingly unprompted, he bitterly spat out, “I’ve barely gotten to see you this last week except at work. You spend all your time with that dick.”

Yamaguchi was unable to contain his disbelief. “This again? He’s not a dick. And besides, I know I’ve been seeing him weirdly a lot in this first week that I’ve known him, but we talked about it and he’s going to lay off.” Even though Tsukishima was facing away from him, Yamaguchi could tell by the slope of his shoulders that this was welcome news. “Why do you care so much about me spending time with him?” he demanded.

“I don’t care,” Tsukki hissed, blatantly lying. “I just don’t like the way he looks at you. Like you’re something he wants to eat.”

“I mean… That wouldn’t be entirely unwelcome,” joked Yamaguchi, trying to lighten the mood. It didn’t work. It only made Tsukishima whip around to glare at him with narrowed eyes. “Look, I’ll be careful. The worst thing that could happen is that I could get really attached to him before finding out that he’s an ass, right? Well if I find out he IS an ass, I promise you I’ll break off the relationship on the spot, okay?” Yamaguchi reasoned convincingly, thinking that might quell Tsukishima’s fears.

But Tsukishima just muttered, “Sure,” while turning away to face the screen again, hiding his expression. There was obviously something else bothering him that he would stubbornly refuse to say. Yamaguchi knew from previous experience that there was nothing that he could say to get it out of him. He would bring it up when he was ready.

So Yamaguchi dropped the issue completely and soon forgot about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tsukishima & Yamaguchi's relationship was fun to write lol
> 
> I think Tsukki relies on Yama more than he realizes.
> 
> Comments and constructive criticism always appreciated! Thanks for reading!!!


	7. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ushijima needs some time to think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gave Yama an introspective chapter, so Ushijima needs one too
> 
> sorry this chapter is so short! Hope you like it anyway~

Ushijima held the ball against his forehead, squeezing it so tight he wondered if it might pop. He looked up and across the empty court intently, pinpointing the spot he wanted the ball to land. Tossing it high and taking a running leap, he slammed it forward with a resounding thud, relishing the sensation of the volleyball against his palm before watching it sail off and land within an inch of where he had aimed. Satisfied, he grabbed another out of the basket beside him and prepared to serve again. The rest of his team had either gone home, or was practicing on a different court. He was alone with the net, the balls, and his thoughts.

Repetitive action was the only way Ushijima knew how to think. His head was always clearest when his body was in constant motion. He would have preferred to do spiking practice now, but for that he needed a setter, and no way in hell could he focus with Oikawa there. Oikawa was a talker. What Ushijima needed now was silence. All quiet except for the sound of his shoes squeaking against the lacquered wooden floor, and the slam of the ball on first his palm, then the ground. The same sounds over and over. The same sensations over and over. He slowly got lost in the rhythm, his body falling into the natural, practiced motion engraved into his muscle memory.

He had been going out with Yamaguchi for a month. Even though he had been asked to tone it down on asking him out all the time, they were still spending a lot of time in each other’s company. On dates, Yamaguchi did most of the talking, and Ushijima was more than happy listening to him. After their second date, he was hooked on Yamaguchi’s voice. It was so sweet, and there was something lilting about it that implied that he was happy, laughing on the inside all the time. And the more time they spent together, the more Ushijima realized how secretly snarky he was. Every other thing he said was sarcastic and teasing, and he snickered at his own terrible jokes while Ushijima rolled his eyes and sighed in overdramatic exasperation. He was dating the smartest mouth he had ever encountered and he loved every second of it. Especially when he got the opportunity to shut that smart mouth up.

Ushijima was growing ever more aware of the effect that he had on Yamaguchi. That blushing was something he could control almost at will now, and all he had to do was drop the pitch of his voice half an octave lower than usual and speak a little slower, looking him directly in the eyes. The poor boy practically turned into a puddle at his feet. It was adorable. Yamaguchi always payed such close attention whenever he spoke, it was a wonder that he never anticipated when Ushijima was about to do it. Actually, it was more likely that he knew when it was coming and wanted to hear his voice lower into a smooth rumble. Ushijima had never met someone who listened to him so intently. It was like Yamaguchi was eagerly soaking in everything he said, always desperate for more. But the truth was, he didn’t have much to say.

And it would only be a matter of time before Yamaguchi realized that.

This intrusive thought threw off his aim, and the ball smacked against the net and fell with a disinterested thud. Huffing in frustration at having his rhythm disrupted, he reached for another ball only to realize that the basket beside him was empty. He rolled it over to the other side of the court to pick everything up and start anew.

Ushijima knew he was boring. He could tell. How? Because the few people that had taken the time to get to know him—they just kept leaving.

All the people he had once called friends now never spoke to him. The only people he had been really close to had been on the high school volleyball team, and they had sometimes even then felt like one-sided relationships. He just didn’t talk that much. As much as he enjoyed listening, and as much as he enjoyed being in the company of others, holding an actual conversation was just…difficult. So much that he often just didn’t bother, letting whoever he was with run their mouth off the entire time without speaking more than a handful of words total. He had always been quiet, and from a very young age he had difficulty expressing himself verbally. It made it hard to make and keep friends when he was in elementary school, and he thought he might have improved since then. But no, all that time spent trying to develop close friendships, yet within a couple years they invariably fell apart. Not like that was a surprise. Maybe they figured he had moved on to bigger and better things, and he just didn’t care. Maybe they had been expecting him to be the one to reach back out to them after they abandoned him. But he didn’t know how. He didn’t even know if they wanted to talk to him, and he wouldn’t even know where to start if they did.

Ushijima’s barrage of serves had been steadily increasing in speed and power, and losing all but the crudest accuracy. Every time he pounded the ball across the net, he found himself grunting with rage. He began picturing the faces of his former friends and teammates with every violent swing of his arm, but it only caused him to send the ball either flying way out of bounds or spinning its momentum away in the net. He knew he shouldn’t direct his anger to them, and really it was himself that he had to blame, but he didn’t care. He just kept serving with reckless power until his supply was depleted again. Walking over and gathering all the balls again gave him a chance to breathe deep and calm down a little, his fiery rage simmering down into a smoldering bitterness.

Somehow he had managed to keep one friendship—if you could call it that—intact for a reasonable length of time. And of all people, who should it be but Oikawa. What strange twist of fate had arisen that Ushijima’s bitterest rival from high school would become the closest friend he currently had? He didn’t even think Oikawa actually liked him. It was more like a dull tolerance, plus the added bonus of having frequent opportunities to make fun of him to his face. Yet somehow it was actually easier to talk to his asshole of a setter than anyone else Ushijima knew. ‘Well, that’s not true,’ he realized with a start, thinking of the patient and attentive look on Yamaguchi’s face whenever he spoke. ‘Not anymore.’

Thinking of Yamaguchi again calmed him down almost instantly, and his jump serves began returning to their original precision. He knew that Yamaguchi liked it when he spoke his mind, so he tried to do it more often around him. It was getting easier. Even though he still didn’t converse very much, he had stopped hesitating and grasping for something to say, because he knew that whatever he said would be well-received. Yamaguchi made him feel…comfortable. In a way that he had never really felt before. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it. But when they were together, it was like he was free of something unidentifiable that weighed him down when they were apart. Thinking about it now, he realized it was similar to the way he felt when he was on the court. A sensation of belonging, like there was nowhere on earth he would rather be.

He stopped serving for a moment to reflect on that sensation, holding the ball between his hands and staring into it. The way that Yamaguchi looked at him made his head feel so clear, the same way that his serving was doing right now. And yet it made his thoughts so muddy at the same time, mostly because of how unused he was to that sense of clarity….if that made sense? When he was listening and occasionally responding to Yamaguchi, he would sometimes be struck with disbelief at how easy it was. He wasn’t used to how comfortable he was around Yamaguchi, and it was impossible to take it for granted for very long. As he recalled the sensation of going through that cycle between clarity and confusion, he started feeling overwhelmed, so he decided to take it out by starting up his jump serves again. The moment his palm met the ball again he realized something that sent it flying recklessly across to the wall.

The second he got complacent with the ease with which he could talk to Yamaguchi, the latter would probably get bored, and he’d be alone again.

It was so obvious. The only reason Yamaguchi hadn’t gotten bored of him already was because their relationship was still such a novel experience. Once that novelty wore off, it would be over. No more time wasted on talking forever and ever to someone who barely bothered to respond. No more stupid jokes that he loved so much even when they flew over his head. No more hand holding that lasted long past the point where their palms got sweaty and made it uncomfortable. No more making out in the back of an empty theater at a shitty movie when they were sick of making fun of the bad acting. With every “no more”, Ushijima’s serving got more reckless until he stopped caring about where the serve went and only focused on hitting the ball as hard as he could, over and over and over again. In the middle of one serve he heard a door open behind him and it startled him to the point that he missed the ball, the violent trajectory of his hand finishing without resolution. He turned around in a fit of blind fury and growled viciously at the figure behind him, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE???”

Once the red blotting his vision had cleared, he recognized the figure standing in the doorway.

“Wowww that was some piss-poor technique, Ushiwaka,” Oikawa remarked, a quizzical eyebrow cocked on his inscrutable expression. “I finished extra practice in the other gym a little while ago, and decided to come over and see how my dear friend is getting along. I thought you could probably use some helpful pointers, and from the looks of that last serve, looks like I was right! THAT is what the hell I’m still doing here.”

Ushijima was struck dumb. His mouth was open in an uncomprehending gawk, and he was unable to tear his gaze away from Oikawa as he stood rooted to the spot, slightly hunched and panting heavily from exertion. He had just spat out exactly what he had wanted to ask to exactly who he had been thinking of asking, on a combination of accident and impulse. How is it possible to follow that up?

“You don’t look so good, Ushiwaka,” Oikawa went on, actually looking a little concerned. “Are you feeling alright? Maybe you should just go home.”

“Why do you bother talking to me?”

Completely taken aback, Oikawa managed to stutter out, “I…I’m sorry?”

Ushijima gritted his teeth and snarled, “I know I’m boring and never say shit. I know how much I still piss you off from when we were in high school. You have no reason to ever speak to me outside of practice and yet you insist upon it. Why? I need to know.”

It took a moment for his words to register. And when they did, Oikawa had to stifle a confused laugh. “You look so pissed right now. I’ve never seen you this angry before. It’s not very becoming on you Ushiwaka-chan.” The low growl that came from Ushijima’s throat in response made Oikawa change tack, rolling his eyes and adopting a serious expression. 

“Ushijima.”

He was startled into submission, giving Oikawa a blank stare of shock. He didn’t think he had ever heard him use his real name.

Oikawa continued, “You are a lot of things. You’re an asshole who never takes the time to think before he talks. You’re straightforward and honest to the point that it makes me sick sometimes just thinking about it. You’re confident in a way that borders on idiocy if you ask me.” He paused to smirk at Ushijima’s glare before finishing. “But one thing you definitely aren’t, is boring. Yeah you piss me off, but I like how you keep things interesting, Ushiwaka. Now stop throwing a tantrum in here by yourself, let’s get the fuck out of here.”

Leave it to Oikawa to paradoxically improve his mood by trash-talking him. Still, Ushijima was grateful that he hadn’t held back, because it meant he could believe every word Oikawa had said. He straightened his back and his breathing slowed down and grew less ragged. When he had calmed down enough, Ushijima walked through the door with him to go shower and change.

“You’re worried about Yama-chan aren’t you?” Oikawa guessed perceptively.

“Yeah.”

“Well you don’t have anything to worry about there, in my opinion. According to Iwa-chan, he’s completely head over heels for you. Can’t imagine why.” Oikawa smirked bitterly. “Apparently he’s had the expression of a lovesick puppy for the past few weeks.” Ushijima couldn’t help but smile at the thought of Yamaguchi being so openly crazy about him. He turned to hide it, but not before Oikawa caught a glimpse. “Ugghhhh, you’ve got the look too. It doesn’t really fit your face Ushiwaka-chan~!” The glare Ushijima gave him in response was far more fitting to his face. But soon his glare softened into melancholy, and he glanced down, frustrated at the doubts and weaknesses he was feeling.

“I just don’t want to fuck this up,” he admitted. He looked up at Oikawa expectantly.

“What...You want relationship advice from ME?” Oikawa responded, completely incredulous. “Hell no.”

“But,” protested Ushijima with confusion, “you’ve been with Iwaizumi forever, right? You must know something.”

“Well, but like… Iwa-chan is just Iwa-chan,” stated Oikawa simply. “We’ve been together forever, so I already know so much about him that it just feels…natural. Not like a real relationship where you have to work hard to understand the other person.”

Real? What was that supposed to mean? “Have you been in a ‘real’ relationship before?”

“Only one, for like a year. I fucked it up though.” Oikawa laughed off the comment, trying to play it as a joke, but he couldn’t stop the somber look from returning to his face. He went on, “I don’t really know how, but I just kind of lost him. He broke up with me for another guy, and I just…let him go. I kind of regret not putting up more of a fight, ‘cause our relationship was actually pretty great. But oh well.” With a shrug and a resigned smile he concluded, “We’re both pretty happy now, so maybe it was for the best.”

Ushijima spent a small respectful silence processing what Oikawa had said, before finally concluding, “You were right. I should not have come to you for relationship advice.”

“Oh wait I know what to do!” exclaimed Oikawa, feigning excitement. “You should just bone him already. He won’t want to leave you if he knows how good you are in bed!”

“Er, thanks… I’ll keep that in mind….”

“That’s my strategy. So far it’s worked with exactly 50% of my serious relationships. You should try it, Ushiwaka!”

Realizing that there was nothing more that Oikawa could possibly tell him that would actually be helpful, he elected to stop listening. But he thought about what Oikawa had said, about putting up a fight to save a “real” relationship. If Yamaguchi did get bored of him, if he wanted to leave him for someone else, would Ushijima stop him? Of course he would want to salvage their relationship, because he loved it, and he didn’t want to lose everything they had. But why would he fight to keep something that Yamaguchi didn’t want?

But this line of thought would get Ushijima nowhere, and he realized this. What’s the point of worrying endlessly about something that might not even happen? For now, Yamaguchi hung on his every word, so why worry about the possibility that he might not at some point in the future? Even Oikawa had said he wasn’t boring, and Ushijima had been certain that he hated him. Spending all this time and effort dreading something that might not even happen…why was he doing it and how could he stop?

Well he didn’t care why. Ushijima resolved that if he had such doubts again, he would just think about the only thing that mattered in this situation.

As long as Yamaguchi continued to look at him like he meant the world to him, nothing else was important.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I like writing Oikawa


	8. Together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi asks Ushijima to see a scary movie at his apartment, and it's exactly as stereotypical as you think it will be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is shamelessly fluffy. You have been warned

“Movie night?”

“Yeah, it’s something me and my roommates do once a week. Usually I wouldn’t force you into their company, but… Well, they really want to watch The Ring. And I told you how I feel about scary movies. But if you’re there, I think I might be okay… What do you say?”

Ushijima had agreed. And it had seemed an innocent enough proposal at the time. He had just assumed that Yamaguchi’s endless stream of apologies-in-advance for his roommates were just him worrying over nothing. But now that he was at the front door and hearing the uproarious cacophony coming from inside, he felt that he had made a slight error in judgement. He wondered if Yamaguchi would even hear when he knocked. Not particularly wanting to immerse himself in the chaos that lay behind that closed door, he thought maybe he could just turn around and leave, then tell Yamaguchi that he had knocked several times but the door was never answered. That would be believable, right? But then he thought about Yamaguchi staying up all night scared and alone, wondering why he had never come, and he felt like an asshole for even thinking of leaving. No way would he abandon him to such a fate. Without further hesitancy, he rapped confidently three times on the door. Hurried footsteps could be heard from inside, and soon the door swung open to reveal an extremely stressed Yamaguchi.

“Thank goodness you’re here!!” he said, voice saturated with relief. “They were going to start the movie anyway, and I thought you wouldn’t make it in time. Please, come in.”

Yep, Ushijima really was an asshole for not wanting to come in. Yamaguchi hadn’t been kidding when he said he was totally incapable of handling a horror movie on his own—he looked so pale that for a second Ushijima thought he might have had a fever. But the pallor was evaporating from his face since he opened the door. Ushijima tried to reassure him further. “Relax, I’m not going to abandon you in your time of need,” he said, slipping an arm around Yamaguchi’s waist as he stepped through the doorway. The color returned to Yamaguchi’s face so quickly that Ushijima was worried that it would cause nerve damage or something. He reached to close the door behind himself, then Yamaguchi lead him to the living room where the eerily glowing TV screen was the only source of light.

“So that’s Lev,” Yamaguchi introduced, pointing at a light-haired figure in one of the armchairs, curled up tightly under a thick blanket so that only his head was visible, plus a long arm that he briefly brought into view in order to wave hello. “And you’ve already met Kageyama and Hinata.” The two in question were on the near end of the couch together, fighting over who got to sit next to the armrest. They so happened to be the source of all the noise he had heard from outside, along with probably Lev and Yamaguchi telling them to calm down. “Inuoka is in charge of popcorn tonight, so he’s in the kitchen. Hopefully you like butter, because he can be pretty generous with it, to say the least.” Yamaguchi pulled Ushijima over to the other side of the couch and pushed him down onto it. “You sit here. I’ll go tell him to hurry up.” He then left Ushijima to fend for himself against his roommates.

“Hi Ushiwaka!!” Hinata exclaimed in greeting, briefly forgetting to struggle against Kageyama’s grip so that they just kind of ended up holding hands. “Are you excited for the movie? Have you ever seen it? Me and Kageyama have never seen it before, and we’re gonna have a competition where the first person who gets scared loses. Wanna play??”

“I’m good, thanks,” Ushijima responded, ignoring all previous questions.

“Fine, if you don’t want to join in, you lose by default! Just one less obstacle between me and victory!!” Hinata proclaimed triumphantly.

Lev’s weary voice came from under his blanket, “Why do you two have to make everything a competition?” Ushijima thought that he meant it, and was about to agree when he continued, “I won’t even bother joining, because that would make losing a certainty for you.”

“That’s what you think,” Kageyama piped up angrily. “I don’t even FEEL fear!”

“One time you saw a snake in the bushes and hid in your room for the rest of the day,” Lev reminded him, making Hinata snicker.

“What are YOU laughing about, dumbass? Do you know how many spiders I’ve had to kill for you??”

“Anything with that many legs can’t be trusted!!”

Yamaguchi and a guy with bristly brown hair emerged from the kitchen, both carrying huge bowlfuls of popcorn, mercifully interrupting the argument that was giving Ushijima a headache. “This is Inuoka,” Yamaguchi explained, setting his bowl on the coffee table.

“Hi Ushijima, it’s nice to finally meet you!” Ushijima answered him with a polite nod and a “you as well.” It seemed that one of Yamaguchi’s roommates was quiet and normal. Maybe this wouldn’t be so—

“Hey Sou, whoever gets scared last wins, you in??” Hinata said, interrupting Ushijima’s train of thought.

“Hell yeah!!! What’s the prize???”

Never mind.

Yamaguchi took a seat next to him on the couch, diverting his full attention by pressing his body flush against him. Any closer and he would have been sitting in Ushijima’s lap. He leaned in even further to whisper apologetically behind a cupped hand, “Sorry about them. I tried to warn you.” Ushijima felt Yamaguchi’s breath, soft and warm against his ear. It was enticing, drowning out all other thoughts in his head, and he loved the way the melodious tenor of Yamaguchi’s voice was accentuated when it was quiet.

The background noise of shouting roommates was hard to ignore, however. “How do you deal with this on a daily basis?” Ushijima asked bitterly. He could barely handle it in the few minutes he had spent thus far amidst this chaos.

Yamaguchi suppressed a snicker and replied, “It’s actually kind of nice being the only level-headed one. If nothing else, it helps me feel like I’ve got my life together by comparison.”

Inuoka suddenly jumped up to excitedly proclaim above the arguing, “Okay I’m gonna put the DVD in now! Let’s do this!!!”

Ushijima felt Yamaguchi tense up at his side and press into him even more. Within the first ten minutes, Yamaguchi already had his hand on Ushijima’s leg, gripping it tightly out of nerves, his face growing pallid again. The volume was turned almost all the way up, and their sound system was pretty damn impressive (Inuoka had rigged it up). The darkness of the room plus the earth-shattering bass was going to make this an intense experience. Ushijima wrapped his arm around Yamaguchi’s shoulder and squeezed, prompting Yamaguchi to lean over into him, resting his head on Ushijima’s chest. He flinched at the tiniest thing, frequently turning away from the screen and into Ushijima’s shirt, clutching the fabric tight in his fist. About halfway through the movie, he started actually shaking, and Ushijima decided he’d better do something.

He slowly and deliberately, so as not to startle Yamaguchi, swept a lock of his hair back behind his ear. Then he leaned forward, lightly brushing his lips against the exposed ear to murmur, “Are you okay down there? Because, I think I could protect you better if you were in my lap.”

Without hesitation, Yamaguchi wrapped his arms behind Ushijima’s head and swung his legs up onto the couch, settling into Ushijima’s lap like it was a seat made for him, burying his face in the crook of his neck. “You’re right, I definitely feel a lot safer here,” he said, voice still trembling slightly.

“You really weren’t kidding when you said you can’t stand scary movies,” Ushijima said, wrapping his arms protectively around Yamaguchi’s back and legs. “I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting, but this is pretty pathetic.”

“I know,” Yamaguchi laughed nervously into Ushijima’s skin, and his voice vibrated softly on his neck. It was a warm little buzz that sent pleasant shivers down Ushijima’s spine. “It doesn’t seem like you’re scared at all, though.”

“I had a friend in high school who made me watch The Ring with him all the time. He thought the actress who plays the creepy ghost girl was really cute. To this movie, I’m immune.”

“What the hell?” Yamaguchi briefly came out of his hiding place to stare at Ushijima quizzically, then quickly retreated once more. “Well at least you can protect me from it, then.”

Ushijima looked around the room at the others. Lev had receded further somehow into his blanket, and only his eyes occasionally peeked out. Inuoka had one of the massive bowls of popcorn in his lap, clutching it tightly, unconsciously bringing his hand to his mouth over and over again, eating out of nerves. Hinata and Kageyama had lost all former bravado and were taking turns covering their eyes. The movie was reaching its climax, and almost nobody was even watching. When the girl started coming out of the television on screen, Yamaguchi turned away completely, shuddering into Ushijima’s shoulder. By the time it ended, he had stopped shaking, but had officially refused to come out of his hiding place.

“Okay that was traumatizing.” Lev remarked as the credits rolled. “Who wants to break the TV before we go to sleep?”

“Hell no that thing was expensive. Let’s just put it face-down on the screen. Lev, help me out.” Inuoka looked reluctant to touch the TV, but evidently thought the pros outweighed the cons and grabbed one side, working with Lev to flip it down.

“Hinata please let go of me.”

“No, I’m not letting go of you for the next week at least. Just make room in your bed for me.” Kageyama shrugged and walked away with Hinata wrapped around his waist.

“Let’s sleep with the lights on tonight, Inuoka.”

“Seconded. Night Yama, bye Ushijima.”

Lev and Inuoka both retreated to their room as well, leaving Ushijima alone with a silent Yamaguchi in his lap. He waited for Yamaguchi to move, but it wasn’t happening, staying rooted firmly in place, hiding his face in the crook of Ushijima’s neck. He was at a complete loss as for what to do in this situation. Nudging Yamaguchi slightly with his hand, he said, “The movie’s over, so I think I should be going home. Are you going to be okay?”

The response was a short silence, followed by Yamaguchi’s wavering voice, muffled against Ushijima’s skin. “I…I’ll be fine. It’s okay.”

“Are you sure? I can stay with you until you fall asleep if you want.”

“No I’ll be alright. I’ll probably have nightmares anyway since I’m alone in my room… I’ll just stay up all night.”

This wasn’t good. He refused to leave Yamaguchi alone—he didn’t think he could bare to see the desperate, haunted look on his face as he walked away. But at the same time, he was hesitant to just invite himself into Yamaguchi’s bed to stay the night with him. Though the thought of cuddling him all night was tempting, he certainly wouldn’t be the one to suggest it, for a multitude of reasons. He didn’t want to wake up in this household for one; mornings were sure to be chaotic. Plus, he was not a morning person, to say the least, and he didn’t particularly care to expose Yamaguchi to that side of him quite yet. So what could he do to help him calm down? ‘Wait a minute,’ he realized, ‘I know just the thing…’

“What you need is a distraction, something to take your mind off of things,” Ushijima said soothingly. “I have the perfect idea.”

Yamaguchi was finally coaxed out of hiding, his piqued curiosity overriding his fear. “What is it?”

“Well, remember how I owe you one unnecessarily emotional and revealing date? Let’s do it now.”

“What?” exclaimed Yamaguchi, understandably confused since it was after ten at this point. “But how? What do you have in mind?”

Ushijima ignored his questions, and commanded, “Put your shoes on we’re taking a walk.”

“No way,” Yamaguchi said, figuratively putting his foot down. Literally, he curled up even tighter, returning to his hiding place and refusing to budge. “First of all,” he insisted, speaking into Ushijima’s neck, “I refuse to get up. It’s safe here and I like it.”

In response, Ushijima shrugged and without much apparent effort, simply put one arm under Yamaguchi’s back and one under his legs, and stood up. Yamaguchi let out a faint yelp of surprise as he went from sitting comfortably across Ushijima’s legs to only being suspended by the combined effort of their arms. “If you’d prefer,” Ushijima said nonchalantly, “I could carry you all the way. I’d be more than happy to, though we might get a few odd looks.”

He started walking to the door when Yamaguchi spoke up, “Noooo, please put me down. I’m begging you.”

“Fine, then put your shoes on.” Ushijima set him down at the front door, next to the pile of shoes, and Yamaguchi quickly complied with his demands, then grabbed his hand and followed him out the door.

 

o o o o o

 

The night air was still and warm. A heavy blanket of clouds blotted out all astral light and trapped the heat rising back up from the Earth. The air felt charged with something; maybe it was the prelude to a coming storm or maybe it was just the crackling tension of the situation as Yamaguchi was being blindly led to an unknown location for unknown reasons. Ushijima refused to explain, no matter how many times he asked. They had already been walking for quite some time, and Yamaguchi had yet to get him to divulge anything about what he had planned, though not for lack of trying.

“Please can you just give me a little hint?”

“Nope,” Ushijima replied quickly, intentionally avoiding Yamaguchi’s eyes.

“Pleeeease??”

“You didn’t give me any hints, so why should I cut you a break?”

“Hey you never even asked! That’s not fair.”

“Life isn’t fair.”

Yamaguchi was starting to get desperate. As much as he liked surprises, he was getting antsy for this one. “Okay how about I guess and then you tell me if I’m right.”

“Not a chance in hell. I’m giving you nothing and you will take it gladly.”

They walked silently for a block or so, with Yamaguchi trying to think of a way to get him to talk. Eventually he gave up and just begged, “Pleeeeease??? I’ll do anything you want!”

Ushijima gave Yamaguchi a vicious side-eye and dropped his voice half an octave. “Are you going to shut your mouth, or am I going to have to shut it for you?” he asked darkly. “Because I can think of a couple different ways to do that, and they’re not exactly things that you would want me to do in public for anyone to see. Got it?”

At first, Yamaguchi was caught off-guard and compliantly fell silent, blushing furiously. His imagination unwittingly supplied him with plenty of possible outcomes…. But then he realized that there was no way would Ushijima be willing to do anything like that in public either, so it was obviously a bluff. “Just one little hint couldn’t hu—MMPH!!”

Mid-sentence, he got cut off by a hand slapped over his mouth. Shocked, he struggled mutely against it, flailing to try to push Ushijima’s arm away to no avail. Once Yamaguchi had resigned himself to his fate, the hand dropped. “Now unless you want to walk the entire rest of the way with my hand over your mouth, you’re going to stop it with the questions.” Yamaguchi could hear a slight teasing lilt in his tone. He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again, then gave up, overwhelmingly flustered and shaking his head in resignation.

Ushijima chuckled at his reaction. He abruptly switched topics, asking, “So was the scary movie just an excuse for you to crawl into my lap?”

“First of all, you ASKED me to do that,” huffed Yamaguchi. “Secondly,” he continued, getting quiet, “no it wasn’t. I didn’t have a choice.”

“But, you wouldn’t have watched it if I wasn’t there, right?”

“Well, yes and no… It’s hard to drown out the noise from the other room. My bedroom walls are pretty thin. I end up staying up freaking out just from listening to it, let alone watching that shit. In fact,” Yamaguchi blushed and his voice fell to little above a murmur, “I’d have rather just been in my room tonight, but I thought that asking you to come to my apartment and hang out in my room would be a little weird.”

Ushijima looked at him with concern, brows scrunching together. Then he shrugged and said plainly, “Weird or not, I wouldn’t have declined. If you want to spend some time alone in your bedroom together, I certainly won’t complain.”

Before Yamaguchi could react in any capacity, Ushijima declared, “Okay, we’re here,” and pulled him into a tight alleyway, which quickly lead to a sizeable courtyard completely ringed by buildings. It was secluded enough that nobody could see them unless they themselves stumbled into the hidden space, and the lights on the walls of the surrounding structures illuminated the concrete ground, causing it to sparkle in the light. Yamaguchi was confused. He wasn’t sure what was so special about this place, and he certainly didn’t get how this was any sort of place to go on a date. He looked to Ushijima for an answer and saw him fiddling thoughtfully with his phone. In a second, he had selected a song to play—something instrumental and soft, yet with a modern edge—and he put his phone in his back pocket, turned up loud enough that it was still plenty audible.

Then Ushijima faced Yamaguchi, bowing and offering his hand, and Yamaguchi understood what was going on.

“Oh no. No no no,” he rejected, backing away slowly. “I am not dancing. I can’t, okay? I have two left feet.”

Not listening or responding, Ushijima walked forward, bridging the gap between them to grab Yamaguchi’s tentative hand for him. He placed it gingerly on his shoulder, his own hand sliding down Yamaguchi’s side to arrive at his waist, which he pressed in on so that their hips met. “Fortunately,” he said, grasping Yamaguchi’s other hand possessively, “you barely have to do anything. I’ll lead, you follow, simple as that. We’ll start slow.”

And slow they started, Ushijima taking a simple, repetitive pattern to allow Yamaguchi to get comfortable. He was tentative at first, but found that it wasn’t that difficult once he got a rhythm established and didn’t think too much about whether what he was doing was right or not. They swayed back and forth in time, and Yamaguchi grew more and more comfortable, relaxing enough to look up from his feet up into Ushijima’s heavily lidded gaze. He looked so calm. And happy. Yamaguchi smiled broadly, biting his lip, finally getting into it. A small grin spread slow as honey across Ushijima’s face in response.

“I’m going to spin you now, okay?”

“What? No!” Yamaguchi snapped out of his former state of confidence. “I’m not ready!”

“Just relax and trust me, and you’ll do fine.” Of course, Yamaguchi was unable to “just relax”, and despite Ushijima’s careful guidance, spun with clumsy, hesitant steps. Nevertheless, with a flourish, he ended up safely back where he started, with Ushijima’s arm wrapped reassuringly around his waist again. “See? That wasn’t so bad, was it?”

Yamaguchi’s face flicked back and forth between nervousness and excitement. “Y-yeah, that was really fun, actually. Can…I try it again?” Ushijima was happy to comply, spinning him away and back once more, this time a little faster and more fluidly. He came back smiling uncontrollably. In that moment, he felt closer to Ushijima than he’d ever felt to anyone before. But he had to ask teasingly, “So this is fun and all. But I fail to see how it’s emotionally revealing…and that WAS one of the conditions, remember?”

Ushijima went silent for a while, pensive. “Well,” he started slowly. “First of all, dancing is something I love. And it’s something almost nobody knows that I do. Consider yourself lucky to get to see it, let alone experience it firsthand.” Knowing that it was something amazingly special that Ushijima had elected to share with him, Yamaguchi’s heartrate sped up. “But the real reason this counts as emotionally revealing,” Ushijima continued, closing his eyes and pulling Yamaguchi in even tighter. “My parents used to dance all the time. My father is a lot like me; quiet, not necessarily the best at expressing what he’s thinking—not with words anyway. But when he was feeling really happy, he would come and surprise my mother by putting on some music and pulling her close. My mother would always pretend to resist, but she would be laughing the whole time. That’s how I could tell they were happy. And that’s how I knew they loved each other.” When he opened his eyes again, the way that Yamaguchi was staring at him in mute rapture was enough to make him blush and glance away. “I guess I just grew up understanding that this is how you tell someone that you feel strongly about them. So I thought I should probably tell you.”

“Oh.” Yamaguchi didn’t know how to respond. He rested his head on Ushijima’s shoulder, glowing with an indescribable feeling of happiness. “Thank you,” he said warmly. “Thanks for bringing me here. And everything else.” As for what he meant by “everything else”, he wasn’t really sure, but he felt like there was a lot he had to thank Ushijima for right now.

“I’m going to spin you some more now. Get ready, we’re trying something new.”

“What?” Yamaguchi jolted up, not even close to ready. But in a sweeping motion, he was spun out and away, then back and underneath Ushijima’s arm, then somehow he was again pressed against him, but facing the opposite direction. Yamaguchi’s arms were crossed in front of him at his chest, and he felt Ushijima’s hips pressing into him from behind. Then he was guided away again to reverse the sequence he had just gone through. On his way back, though, Yamaguchi tripped and fell forward. Panicking, he tried to put his hands out in front of himself to catch his fall. But somehow, Ushijima managed to turn his fall into a deep, flawless dip, and Yamaguchi found himself staring up into his completely unfazed expression.

Yamaguchi waited to be pulled back up. But it didn’t happen. Ushijima was searching his face with a rapt fervor, unwilling to shatter the moment. He spoke so softly Yamaguchi could barely hear him. “With all the stars in your eyes right now, and all over your face… You look like a galaxy.”

Said stars multiplied vastly at that comment, Yamaguchi’s eyes filling with a breathless awe. He was about to stammer out a response, when he felt a drop of rain on his forehead.

Then another on his hand.

He and Ushijima looked up at the cloudy sky in unison. Raindrops started falling with more frequency, and Ushijima pulled him out of his dip to push him quickly into the eaves of one of the nearby buildings. However, there was little to no protection to be had there from what soon turned into a pounding downpour.

“Shit, we have to walk all the way home in this??” Yamaguchi exclaimed incredulously. “It’s so far away…” He pressed himself against the wall, trying to get as much shelter as he could muster. Ushijima was completely silent. When Yamaguchi looked up at him, he saw an odd expression on his face, as though he were utterly torn over something. “Hey, is everything okay? What’s up?”

Ushijima opened and closed his mouth a few times before answering, not meeting Yamaguchi’s eyes. Odd, since he was not usually at a loss for words. Nonetheless, he managed to choke out, “My apartment is close. I… live just a block away from here. No pressure, but, if you want, we can just go there…”

“Oh perfect! I’ll wait out the rain there! Come on, let’s go, I don’t want to get any wetter than I have to!!”

Ushijima readily complied, grabbing Yamaguchi’s hand and pulling him along. He was still not meeting his eyes, nor was he saying anything. Then it dawned on Yamaguchi.

What would they do if it didn’t stop raining?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter will be fun to write ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
> 
> rating will probably change after this


	9. Rain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's raining outside. Like, a lot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is much tamer than I expected it to be. But since I fully intend to write a chapter or two that are far more graphic, I'm changing the rating anyway.
> 
> If you were expecting something more, I sincerely apologize. All in due time, my friend.

The door opened to a room lit only by the faint, dappled light of street lamps filtering in through the rainy windows. When Ushijima turned on the lights and closed the door behind him, Yamaguchi was struck by the openness and simplicity of the space. The entrance opened into the kitchen, and just over the counter was the small and sparsely furnished living room. It was colored in mostly white and neutral tones, making it seem larger than it actually was, and for the most part it was meticulously clean and uncluttered. A small alcove led off to the left, presumably housing doors to the bedroom and bathroom. Yamaguchi bent down to remove his sopping shoes and set them neatly on the kitchen tile.

“I’ll grab us some dry clothes,” Ushijima said, walking to the alcove and into his room, taking his own shirt off along the way. While waiting for him to return, Yamaguchi pulled out his phone and opened his weather app, unsure of what to hope for. If the rain ended quickly, they could certainly avoid a lot of potential awkwardness and stress. But if he had to stay the night, well… The way Yamaguchi’s heart pounded at the idea gave him his answer. Once the app loaded, he made note of the precipitation forecast and put his phone back into sleep mode. 

Ushijima finished changing, and returned holding a pile of folded clothes. “Here. Sorry, they’ll probably be a bit big. You can change in my bedroom.” Thanking him and taking the clothes, he walked into Ushijima’s room and closed the door. It was small as well, and similarly bland yet open in color scheme as the rest of the apartment. The full bed in the corner was neatly made, and Ushijima’s wet clothes were draped over a chair near the closet, so Yamaguchi stripped and laid his own on top of them. The plaid pyjama pants that Ushijima had given him were indeed too big, but he pulled and tied the drawstrings tight around his waist, so no problem there. The simple black shirt was light and soft, and as he pulled it over his head, he found that it smelled amazing (read: exactly like Ushijima). Now warm and dry, trying to suppress the color flooding his cheeks, he exited back into the living room.

“Okay, I’m good,” he informed Ushijima, who he found oddly pacing the room. “And I, uh, checked the weather. The rain is expected to stop around, um… noon tomorrow.” Ushijima’s expression acquired a strange tightness to it, and he resumed his pacing, seemingly unconscious of his movement.

“We could, ah,” he said, turning to face Yamaguchi. “That is, I have an umbrella. I can just walk you home. Really, it’s not a problem.” His voice had risen slightly in pitch, and sounded strained. It suddenly dawned on Yamaguchi that he must be extremely nervous. He didn’t think he’d ever seen him as anything but calm and collected, so he wasn’t quite sure how to react. Well, with Ushijima suddenly lacking in the confidence department, Yamaguchi decided he needed to step up to the plate.

“Why are you trying to kick me out so soon?” he asked teasingly. “If you really don’t want me to stay over, I can go home. But I think it’d be a better idea to not go back outside in this storm, don’t you?” Lightning flashed through the window followed by an explosive clap of thunder, neatly underlining his point.

“Y-yes, I suppose you’re right,” Ushijima stuttered in response. “I, um, can make up the couch for you, if you want to say.”

“You’re gonna make your guest sleep on the couch?” Yamaguchi asked, smirking. “That’s not very polite.”

“You’re right. I should sleep on the couch.” He moved, presumably to grab some blankets from his closet, but Yamaguchi stepped in his way, placing a hand on his arm. He looked up at him with plaintive eyes.

“Hey, I might still have nightmares, remember?” Yamaguchi said gently. “Can I just sleep with you?”

Ushijima short-circuited. He tensed up, ear tips and face colored with a flaming red, and his mouth opened and closed but nothing came out. Yamaguchi grabbed both his hands in a soothing gesture, leaning in to ask, “Hey, what’s wrong? What’s upsetting you so much?”

Locked in Yamaguchi’s gaze for a moment and unable to speak, Ushijima turned his head away and managed to choke out, “You… You said you didn’t want to go too fast, right? You were worried about it fucking up our relationship? Well,” he laughed bitterly, “it’s harder to go faster than this, isn’t it? You’re literally just asked to sleep with me.”

“Well when you put it that way, I sound pretty self-contradictory, huh?” Yamaguchi admitted with an apologetic shrug. “But I guess I just never expected to end up in this kind of situation, you know? And now that we’re here, I feel…” he paused, grasping for the right words. “I feel…like this is where I want to be.”

“I just… I don’t want to do anything that would make you uncomfortable—that would make you want to leave.” The expression on Ushijima’s face was so pained it hurt Yamaguchi just looking at it.

“Well, I don’t want to leave, okay?” he said, with a reassuring hand squeeze. “You can stop worrying about that right now.”

Ushijima nodded slowly, the tension leaving his face. In a moment, he had completely regained composure. He slipped one hand out of Yamaguchi’s grasp and gently caressed the side of his face, fingertips lightly tracing his jawline from his ear to his chin. Stepping closer and tilting Yamaguchi’s head up a little to face him, he asked, “So… you want to end up in bed with me, then? Would you like to go straight to sleep now, or should we take a more…scenic route?”

Well. This was a rapid change in developments. Yamaguchi blurted out, “Scenic route,” in affirmation before he even had a chance to process what he had been asked. He was a little startled at his own readiness to go ahead with whatever Ushijima had in mind.

“How far do you want me to take you?”

Yamaguchi had not really thought that part through. He wasn’t sure if he felt like losing his virginity tonight, and he had no idea at what point leading up to that he might want to stop. “I don’t really know,” he admitted aloud, “but maybe we can just…take things slow so that I can feel out my boundaries a little?”

Ushijima’s brows scrunched together, and he looked at Yamaguchi skeptically. “Promise me you’ll say something right at the moment you start feeling uncomfortable.”

“I swear,” Yamaguchi replied eagerly, earning him a heavy-lidded smile that sent excited shivers down his spine.

“All right, sounds good to me.” And without another word, Ushijima placed his hands on Yamaguchi’s shoulders, and started kissing him deeply. Though the sudden forwardness surprised him, Yamaguchi instinctively reached around to Ushijima’s back, grasping at the fabric of his shirt tightly. He felt the hands on his shoulders push, and Ushijima slowly drove him backwards until his back hit a wall. He was pinned by hips aggressively grinding into him, as Ushijima’s hands snaked upwards to cup his jaw and tightly grip a fistful of his hair. Yamaguchi hadn’t expected this kind of roughness, certainly not right from the get-go. It was all so new to him and he wasn’t sure what he was doing or how he was supposed to react. But he loved it. He wanted more. He leaned forward away from the wall to sloppily return Ushijima’s kiss, only to have Ushijima place a hand flat on his chest and slam his shoulders back against the wall, breaking lip contact completely.

“So…are you comfortable?” he asked darkly. Ushijima was clearly in his element. All former trace of nerves had left his expression, and his voice had dropped again to that range he used to make Yamaguchi blush violently. It was certainly working now. Yamaguchi nodded his consent eagerly, quivering with excitement, oddly aroused by the restrictive pressure on his chest and hips that had him pinned. Ushijima grabbed his arms and guided them up around the back of his own neck, then reached for Yamaguchi’s thighs. “Hold on tight, okay?” he instructed, and Yamaguchi complied despite his confusion. His unspoken question was soon answered as Ushijima abruptly lifted his legs up off the ground. The small yelp that escaped his lips was instantly muffled as Ushijima possessively reclaimed them, and in a second he had crossed his legs around Ushijima’s back. They made out with Yamaguchi suspended against the wall, held aloft now by a combination of his own arms and legs, the pair of hands on his ass, and Ushijima’s fluidly gyrating hips that Yamaguchi could now feel pressing a growing erection against him. Ushijima’s mouth abruptly abandoned his, trailing kisses over to his earlobe, which he paused to nibble at before moving down to viciously suck on his neck. Yamaguchi moaned softly at the unfamiliar sensation. Knowing it would probably leave a few angry red bruises—knowing that he was being marked—only aroused him more, and he unconsciously started thrusting back against Ushijima’s persistent hips.

“I could fuck you right against this wall, you know,” Ushijima murmured into Yamaguchi’s skin, eliciting from him a soft gasp. “And I’d love to do just that sometime soon. But right now, I’d rather see you in my bed.”

“O-okay, so put me down and let’s go,” Yamaguchi stuttered, uncrossing his legs from behind Ushijima’s back. He smirked and set Yamaguchi down slowly, though not relinquishing his possessive grip on his ass until he was firmly standing on the ground. Then his hands snaked up to tug on Yamaguchi’s shirt.

“Let’s get rid of this,” he suggested, and at Yamaguchi’s nod, he pulled it off over his head and cast it aside. “How cute. You’ve got freckles all over your shoulders, too.” Yamaguchi shuddered as Ushijima leaned forward to pepper them with kisses, running his hot, dry hands over Yamaguchi’s now bare back. “Are there any more you’re hiding from me? I might have to check all over just to make sure…”

“H-hey. This isn’t fair. Your shirt is still on,” Yamaguchi pointed out helpfully. Smirking again in response, Ushijima swiftly took care of that problem, allowing Yamaguchi a moment to look over his exposed torso with wide eyes. His gaze traveled down to the tent in Ushijima’s pants, and his eyes widened further.

“When you’re done staring, let me know,” Ushijima said, startling Yamaguchi back into reality.

“I’m good.”

“Let me take you to bed, then.” He grabbed Yamaguchi’s hand and pulled him along to his room. “Lie down,” he commanded with a jerk of his head. Yamaguchi obeyed, albeit a little hesitantly, positioning himself roughly in the middle of the bed. Once he was ready, he looked up to see a vicious hunger sharpening Ushijima’s features, with which he swiftly came face-to-face as Ushijima crawled on top of him to aggressively make out with him. Yamaguchi eagerly used this as an opportunity to run his hands all over Ushijima’s bare torso, appreciating the power of the rippling muscles beneath. Ushijima’s mouth left his, and started trailing kisses down towards his chest and over his abs, stopping at the waistband of his pants. “These need to go,” he said, sliding his fingers underneath and pulling.

“No wait!!!” Yamaguchi shot up into a sitting position, suddenly remembering the scars crisscrossing his thighs. He couldn’t let Ushijima see them, he just couldn’t.

Instantly taking his hands out from below Yamaguchi’s waistband, voice full of concern, Ushijima asked, “What’s wrong??”

“I-I… It’s not you, I swear!” Yamaguchi was quick to insist. “I just… it’s only that… ummm….” He couldn’t finish the sentence with Ushijima’s searching eyes meeting his. Shutting his eyes tight and turning to address the wall, he finally admitted. “It’s…my legs. There’s, um… I don’t want you to see them.”

Ushijima scowled at him. “There is nothing on your legs that could possibly deter me. Especially at this point.” He looked affronted that Yamaguchi had even suggested anything to the contrary.

“N-no, you don’t understand,” Yamaguchi tried feebly to explain. “I used to be...um, not so good…m-mentally, you know? And I kind of took it out on… That is to say, I uh… on my legs, there’s a lot of…. umm…” He finally trailed off, with no idea how to finish the sentence. He didn’t want to finish the sentence, didn’t want to confess his sins to someone who held him in such high esteem.

But Ushijima ignored his protests and gingerly slid Yamaguchi’s pants off, exposing his boxers and the full length of his legs before coming back to reclaim his spot between Yamaguchi’s thighs. Yamaguchi watched him examining the little dark lines running perpendicular to the length of his legs, not initially comprehending what they meant. As realization dawned on his face, Yamaguchi couldn’t look anymore, falling back onto the bed and covering his eyes in shame. He braced himself for the worst, dreading Ushijima’s response. Still, when it came, he wasn’t ready. He took his hands off his face and looked down to ensure that he was feeling what he thought he was. Sure enough, Ushijima was delicately pressing his lips against every scar, going down his leg to ensure there were none that he missed. It was as though he were trying to kiss them better, trying to right a wrong that had been done long before that was far beyond fixing. Yamaguchi laid back down, staring at the ceiling as his vision gradually distorted. By the time Ushijima had made his way back up the other leg, the bed was wet underneath Yamaguchi’s head.

“Let’s just stop here for tonight,” Ushijima said soothingly. “You get under the covers. I’ll be right back.” He left the room, and Yamaguchi used this brief reprieve to dry his face and compose himself in general. Also he texted Hinata so that his roommates wouldn’t be worried when he wasn’t at home in the morning. He had calmed down completely and was compliantly under the covers when Ushijima returned with a couple glasses of water. Not even giving Yamaguchi a chance to drink, he just set them both down on the bedside table and joined him in bed. Maybe he had just left the room to give Yamaguchi some time to calm down? That was oddly tactful of him. Thinking it through more, though, Yamaguchi believed it more likely that he had left because he had no idea what to say after that and needed some time to compose himself as well.

“Oh wait, do you want to put your pants back on?” Ushijima asked before he had settled in completely.

“No, I’m good. You have such a high body temperature that I think I would only regret it later.”

“Good point. I’ll take mine off too then.” He removed his flannel pants from under the covers and tossed them out onto the floor hastily, then shifted until he was possessively spooning Yamaguchi, intertwining their legs. Sure enough, Yamaguchi was instantly warmed by the unbelievable heat that Ushijima exuded.

“You’re like a natural space heater. I might have to hire you in the winter to keep me warm.”

“I’d love to take you up on that,” replied Ushijima, nuzzling into the softness of Yamaguchi’s hair. “You can pay me by making me breakfast in the morning.”

“It’s a deal.” Yamaguchi suddenly felt guilty for cutting the whole sex thing short. It was only because of him that they had to stop, and for such a stupid reason, too. Of course Ushijima didn’t care about his scars. Why would he? He was so kind and understanding about everything else, so obviously he wouldn’t be put off by something as insignificant as a few scars. “I’m sorry I made you stop. I didn’t—“

“Don’t apologize,” Ushijima said, shutting him down immediately. “First of all, we started out with the understanding that if you felt uncomfortable, we would stop immediately. Secondly, I was the one who actually suggested stopping. So you have absolutely nothing to apologize for.”

“Okay.” Yamaguchi smiled to himself, comforted by Ushijima’s insistence. “So, um, I have to ask… Everything up to that point… How was I doing?”

“Are you…asking for pointers, or a review?”

“A little of both, I guess. I’ve never really done this before.”

Ushijima gave this some thought before replying, “Well, I’d rate my experience at a ten out of ten. I’d definitely love to do that again sometime, preferably for much longer and with fewer clothes between us. As for pointers, the only thing I can say is that you should definitely moan for me some more. Don’t worry about holding back; I don’t even care if my neighbors hear you scream.”

“O-oh. That’s good to know.” He couldn’t even imagine what Ushijima would have to do to get him to be that loud, but he hoped he would be lucky enough to find out.

“Hmm, I think I must have given you a hickey earlier. Oh…it’s really prominent. Sorry about that, I got carried away…”

“Nono, don’t be sorry!! I, uh, kind of liked it, actually.”

“You did?”

Yamaguchi blushed and nodded tentatively in response. “You can mark me up wherever you want.”

“I can?” Ushijima asked in surprise, then dropped his voice to tease him. “I’ll be sure to make you regret saying that later.” The threat sent shivers of anticipation down Yamaguchi’s spine, and he felt rather than heard Ushijima laughing behind him. In terms of teasing, Yamaguchi was used to being one step ahead, yet here Ushijima was screwing with him, and he had no rebuttal. He was completely at a loss, especially because he thought that if he started teasing back, it might escalate out of control. Better to just keep talking normally.

“Hey, umm, you were a lot more talkative than I expected you to be,” he said timidly. Ushijima’s shoulders just shrugged around him in reply. “And, uh… A lot rougher, too.”

“Is that okay?”

“Well… I liked it a lot more than I thought I would. That is, uh, I think I would like a lot more of it. I mean…”

Ushijima flatly asked, “Do you want me to be rough with you?”

“Yes,” answered Yamaguchi without hesitancy.

“That’s good. I’m not very good at holding back.” Well, that much was obvious. Ushijima hadn’t held back in anything that Yamaguchi had seen, from asking him out on sight to requesting to see him every other day afterwards. So far, the only reason Ushijima had ever showed restraint was… when he was worried that it would make Yamaguchi uncomfortable if he didn’t. ‘That’s an interesting way to show that you care about someone,” Yamaguchi mused. ‘Exercising self-control… Huh.’ Ushijima certainly wasn’t holding back now, given that he was spooning him more aggressively than Yamaguchi had thought possible, holding him tightly and kind of unconsciously grinding into his ass. He felt a little smothered, yet at the same time, he had never felt so safe. But he realized suddenly that he had no choice but to leave.

“Hey… Ushijima?”

“Hm?” he replied drowsily.

“Can you let me go? I need to pee.”

“Hmmm…” Yamaguchi could hear the frown in his voice. “No. I don’t think so. You’re stuck here.”

“What? You can’t just keep me here against my will.”

“I can and I will.” Yamaguchi struggled to get away, but Ushijima’s arm clamped hard across his chest and his legs wound around him tight.

“Nooo, let me go!”

“I don’t think so.” He maneuvered until he was on top of Yamaguchi, pinning him to the bed, and trapping his arms against his side. “You’re so cozy. No way in hell am I letting you go.”

“Ushijima. I have. To PEE. Let me go.”

“Well,” he pretended to consider. “I might be persuaded to set you free. But you have to do something for me.”

“LET ME PEE OH MY GOD!”

“You have to promise,” Ushijima commanded, lifting his head so that he was inches away from Yamaguchi’s face. “Promise you’ll come back. Not just from the bathroom, but here. It’s lonely in my apartment.”

“I promise, okay?” Yamaguchi said, smiling. “You can join me in my room sometime if you want, too. Though, my bed is a little smaller…”

“But, then I couldn’t fuck you against the wall.” Ushijima pointed out sadly. “Your roommates would complain, especially if you start moaning as loudly as I want you to…”

“Alright, you’ve convinced me. I’ll come back soon.”

“Good.” Ushijima rolled over off of him compliantly, as he had promised. “Hurry back, though. I’m getting tired.”

It was cold outside of his bed. Yamaguchi hurried to return as soon as possible, setting an alarm to make sure he’d wake up in time for work tomorrow. When he slipped back under the covers, Ushijima welcomed him with open arms, literally pulling him into a tight embrace with Yamaguchi’s head nestled under his chin. The rain pounded outside, with the occasional flash of lightning illuminating the room followed closely by the low rumble of thunder in the distance. He heaved a soft, contented sigh into Ushijima’s skin, snuggling in closer and intertwining their bare legs. In no time at all, Ushijima had fallen asleep clutching him. The sound of his deep, regular breathing mingled with the raindrops falling outside, and with the immediacy and heat of Ushijima’s body all around him, Yamaguchi had never felt so safe and tucked away from reality. Soon his eyelids grew heavy, and he, too, sunk into unconsciousness with bliss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It ended so fucking cute ughhh this was supposed to be a smutty chapter, but I screwed it up hahaha
> 
> Sorry, I don't think Yamaguchi is emotionally ready to bang yet. Not today. But soon.
> 
> Also heyyy broke 30,000 words!!! I have invested far too much of my life into this


	10. Awake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You can learn a lot about someone by waking up in bed next to them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi is a morning person. Ushijima is not.

Yamaguchi woke up an hour before his alarm went off, and everything was terrible. He was hot and sweaty, his eyes were too blurry to even see through, it felt like his sheets were wrapped around him so tight they were squeezing him, and he wasn’t even in his own bed. ‘What the hell? What’s going on?’ For the life of him, he couldn’t remember where he was. One of his arms was kind of stuck to his side for some reason, so with the other he reached up to try and clear out his sleep-filled eyes. When he could see again, he looked down and instantly remembered everything.

It wasn’t the sheets that were squeezing him, that’s for sure. Last night, he and Ushijima had fallen asleep around the middle of the bed. Now, Yamaguchi was almost at the edge, apparently having tried to scoot away in the middle of the night to escape Ushijima’s oppressive heat. But Ushijima had followed him, refusing to relinquish his hold. He wasn’t sure how to get out of this situation, since he’d have to forcibly pry Ushijima’s arms away from his body. Would that wake him up? Yamaguchi had no idea how heavy of a sleeper Ushijima was. Would it be that bad to just stay here until he woke up too? Despite the sweltering heat, watching Ushijima sleep was…kind of adorable. He looked so sweet and innocent, clinging to Yamaguchi’s body like it was his lifeline. As Yamaguchi watched, he would occasionally scrunch his face into a pout before nuzzling his head further into its place on Yamaguchi’s chest. He didn’t want to get up.

But he had to. It was hot and he felt gross and needed a shower ASAP. He moved a little to test the waters, and Ushijima didn’t respond. He wiggled a little more. Still nothing. ‘Okay, I think it’s safe.’ Bit by bit, Yamaguchi extracted himself from Ushijima’s clutches until he was completely free. Once he was finally on his feet and off the bed, he rejoiced at his success. But looking back at Ushijima’s sprawling form, he looked so…sad. There was a patch of troubled water on his forehead, and that pout had returned and wasn’t going away. Yamaguchi hated to leave him looking so forlorn. He leaned over tentatively to plant a soft kiss on Ushijima’s temple, silently promising to return, and then left to shower. He couldn’t see behind him, but Ushijima’s expression had softened again, bearing the faint trace of a smile.

 

o o o o o

 

Ushijma woke up to the grating sound of an alarm, and everything was terrible. He was alone in bed, sheets tangled up in his limbs evidently from having tossed and turned so much during the night, and it was oddly cold even under the covers. Head swimming, he wondered why the fuck there was an alarm going off when it was his day off. He reached over to hit the snooze button, but found that it wasn’t actually HIS alarm going off, but rather Yamaguchi’s phone. Awkwardly silencing it with a tap, he sunk back into the sheets haphazardly, hoping to catch another hour of sleep, at least. The warm darkness was enveloping his head when he suddenly remembered, abruptly jolting up into a sitting position with a strangled gasp.

Yamaguchi had stayed the night. How could he have forgotten? Was he already gone? Yamaguchi had work today, so maybe he had just left without saying anything, not wanting to wake Ushijima up. It was exactly the kind of thing that he would do, trying to be considerate and let him get some sleep. But Ushijima wanted to be woken up. He had wanted to walk with Yamaguchi to work, or at least walk him to a train station, or something. Even just waking up to him being there and getting to walk him out the door would have been enough. Ushijima thrust his head into his hands forcefully, angry at Yamaguchi for leaving without saying anything, angry at himself for sleeping too long, angry at that stupid fucking alarm that went off again after having been set to snooze. He picked up Yamaguchi’s phone and almost threw it across the room before realizing he could hear someone moving around in the other room. Come to think of it, Yamaguchi wouldn’t have left without his phone, especially knowing that he had set an alarm on it. Everything clicked into place.

Still groggy and barely comprehending, he threw a shirt on and stumbled out of the room to see Yamaguchi fiddling around in the kitchen, wearing the same clothes he’d had on yesterday, his back turned. He must have heard the door open, because he suddenly looked behind him to see Ushijima standing slouched in the doorway. His face brightened up instantly, glowing vividly as though he had been waiting forever to see him. It flooded Ushijima with a multitude of emotions that didn’t make any sense and manifested themselves in an exhausted scowl on his face. It must have looked odd, because it made Yamaguchi howl with laughter.

“You look like you just got hit by a truck,” he choked out, giggling uncontrollably. “Does your hair always look like that in the morning? I love it!!” Ushijima’s scowl intensified, and he didn’t bother checking in a mirror because he could feel his hair sticking up all over the place in awkward spikes. It was too early, and he was incapable of caring. He just pulled out one of the two chairs at the small dining table, and sat down into a weary slump.

“So, uh,” Yamaguchi spoke up from the kitchen. “Hopefully you like pancakes, because I don’t know how to make a real breakfast.” He turned around to gauge Ushijima’s reaction and was met with a noncommittal shrug. He didn’t really care for sweet stuff, especially not first thing in the morning. Head still fuzzy, he wasn’t sure how else he was supposed to respond in this situation, with Yamaguchi looking at him expectantly. “Well, if you don’t like pancakes, you’ll have to tell me what you actually like so I can learn to make it,” he continued with an undeterred smile in spite of Ushijima’s obvious lack of enthusiasm. “And for now you’ll just have to suck it up and pretend to love it.”

It was so infuriating. Having woken up in a panic thinking that Yamaguchi had just up and left, only to find that he was still here and generously cooking food for him that he didn’t really like—Ushijima was at a loss for what he was supposed to be feeling right now, so it just manifested in irritation. It didn’t help that Yamaguchi was being so sweet to him despite his silent scowling, and it REALLY didn’t help that he suddenly couldn’t stop thinking about how good Yamaguchi would look bent over that counter. He tried to bury that image back into his subconscious, but it kept rising to the surface, and he so wanted to just walk over and drill him from behind without warning…fuck. He slammed his head down onto the table in defeat. It was too early for this. It was too early for anything. He wanted to go back to sleep.

The clatter of a plate hitting the table brought him back up with a start. Yamaguchi had finished cooking and laid a stack of pancakes in front of him, along with a stick of butter and several jars of preserves. “I found a bunch of weird jam flavors in your fridge, and I want to try them all,” he said by way of explanation, beaming. Well, at least they would be a little more palatable than if they were soggily drenched in maple syrup.

“So… are you always this angry in the mornings?” Yamaguchi asked innocently, sliding him a cup of coffee. Ushijima’s piercing glare shifted up to Yamaguchi’s face at the comment, finding a teasing smirk on his face. “Is that a yes, then?”

What fucking right did he have to be so cheery so soon after waking up? Usually, Ushijima woke up plenty early, to go for a nice long run well before practice. But that didn’t mean he liked it. In fact, it usually wasn’t until after that run, a few cups of coffee, and a cold shower that he was actually capable of civil conversation. Before then, everything kind of blurred into a haze of irritation. Just getting out of bed was enough to piss him off, let alone this shit. Yamaguchi’s happy little smirks and jibes were completely intolerable, and Ushijima just wanted to wipe that sweet, sincere smile off his face. Preferably via clearing off the table, throwing him on top of it, and ripping off his pants. The thought of it was oh-so-tempting. He aggressively dug into the pancakes before him to give himself something, anything to do to suppress that urge. They were actually not half-bad. Lighter than he had expected, not that he was complaining.

“So what’s the plan? Are you going to walk with me to work?”

“If you want.” They were the first words that had come out of his mouth today, and his voice was coarse and gravelly from disuse.

“Of course I want,” Yamaguchi responded with naked enthusiasm. He had obviously been expecting something a lot less civil. “Glad to know that even when you’re exhausted and hating everything, you still don’t completely hate me.” Ushijima plummeted from intense irritation to unimaginable guilt. He held his head in his hand and wondered. Had Yamaguchi really been worried about that? Did it seem like he hated him? It wasn’t something Ushijima should have been surprised by, now that he thought about it, and yet surprised he was. What the hell was wrong with him, acting like such a dick to someone he cared so much about? He shouldn’t have—

“Oh my god, don’t make that face,” Yamaguchi said in exasperation, interrupting his train of thoughts with a good-natured smile. “I have four roommates, okay? Kageyama has almost killed me countless times for waking him up. I can handle you being a grumpy asshole in the mornings.” His unexpected bluntness made Ushijima snort into his palm with laughter, relieved. He looked up to see Yamaguchi biting his lip trying to suppress the shit-eating grin on his face.

“What are you so happy about?”

“Oh, nothing,” he said, losing what little composure he had. “Just didn’t realize you snort when you laugh. It’s cute.” This time, Ushijima was sure the dead-eyed glare he gave Yamaguchi was warranted. “Now go take a shower or something. Your hair looks stupid, and I won’t have you going outside like that.”

“Hmmm. I might. But you have to come with me,” Ushijima teased, trying to get him flustered as some form of revenge for this barrage of snide comments.

Yamaguchi smirked, unfazed. “Cute. But I already took a shower. And,” he paused dramatically to return Ushijima’s heavy-lidded gaze, then continued, “if I take a shower with you, I’d be a couple hours late for work, minimum. You don’t want to make me late for work, do you? Try again another time.” Oh how the tables had turned. Utterly defeated, flushing like an idiot, Ushijima rolled his eyes and compliantly stormed off. He tried not to hear Yamaguchi calling after him with an exaggerated sigh, “So you’re not just an angry asshole, but a HORNY angry asshole in the mornings? What am I going to do with you?”

 

o o o o o

 

By the time they left his apartment, Ushijima had actually woken up. Enough, at least, to carry a civil conversation. And enough for him to feel remorse at how he had been acting. He knew Yamaguchi had insisted that he wasn’t bothered by it, but that didn’t make it okay. He deserved better. Ushijima resolved to make more of an effort to keep his temper under wraps, though today he had actually been far more composed than he would have been under different circumstances. Scowling in silence was at least one step up from snapping at every other insignificant thing. He usually terrified anyone unlucky enough to cross his path that early, and when he was younger, it had gotten him into countless fights. Yamaguchi, of course, got special treatment. It helped that, as opposed to wanting to punch him in the face, he wanted to destroy his ass over a countertop. But that was irrelevant. He needed to think of some way to convey that he felt like shit for being so rude, and that it was inevitable any time Yamaguchi wanted to stay the night.

“To answer your question from earlier, yes I always wake up like that,” he said out of the blue, gritting his teeth. “Sometimes worse, actually. Sorry, knowing that, I probably shouldn’t have let you sleep over in the first place.”

“Hey, honestly, don’t worry about it,” Yamaguchi insisted. “You’re a lot sweeter than the people I have to put up with on a daily basis. It’s a welcome change. And anyway, I was starting to think you were too good to be true, so thanks for dispelling that worry.”

Ushijima raised an eyebrow quizzically. “Too good to be true?”

“Well, not exactly. Definitely too good to be interested in me, though.”

“What? What kind of mentality is that?” demanded Ushijima, perplexed.

“Mine, I guess,” Yamaguchi said with a smile. “You may have noticed, or maybe you haven’t, but I don’t exactly have the highest self-esteem.”

“Why don’t you?”

“Well, I was picked on a lot as a kid, so there’s that. People made fun of my appearance, my freckles, my height, how shy I am…the list goes on. And they were pretty convincing, so much so that I still think they weren’t wrong.” He spoke so cavalierly, like at this point it was just a matter of fact. “Plus my home life wasn’t stellar. My dad left when I was a kid, and my mom wasn’t at home very often because of her work. She, uh, also wasn’t always the nicest to me. For a long time, I hated myself. And I’m still pretty sure I’m nothing special.” he concluded with an apologetic smile and a shrug.

Ushijima hated his answer. He hated the way Yamaguchi said it, so conversationally, as though they were talking about the weather, when he should be righteously angry at the circumstances that brought him to feel that way. He hated the fact that Yamaguchi felt the apparent need to apologize for his own self-loathing, when he should be the one that his tormentors were apologizing to. Mostly, though, he hated that he had been unable to recognize those self-deprecating feelings without Yamaguchi needing to tell him. Was it because he wasn’t paying close enough attention, or was it because Yamaguchi was actually hiding them from him? Not that it mattered. He knew now and he wasn’t going to forget it.

“Why would you believe them?” he asked slowly, knowing it was probably a sensitive subject and trying to be tactful about his language. “The kids that made fun of you.”

Yamaguchi just sighed and said, “It’s always easier to just go along with popular opinion, isn’t it? Enough people tell you something, and you start thinking there might be something to it.”

Enough people? How many people would it take to convince him of the opposite? Ushijima only had himself to contradict them, saying, “Well stop believing it, because I’m telling you that they were wrong. And I’ll tell you as many times as it takes.”

To his surprise and frustration, Yamaguchi laughed at that remark. “One person can’t make up for the words of dozens,” he said matter-of-factly. “I’m glad you think so highly of me, though. And, well, objectively I know I should too. It’s just a thought that I have trouble really getting behind, after so long thinking I’m worthless.”

The casual manner with which he uttered such bitter words was somehow more devastating than if he had said them while sobbing. To Ushijima, it meant that he had already sobbed over it enough to simply not care anymore. Yamaguchi had said he “used to” hate himself, hadn’t he? Which meant that the mild distaste he now felt for himself was nothing by comparison, even something to be celebrated. The thought made Ushijima absolutely livid. No. Fucking unacceptable. He should love himself so much that he would never need approval from anyone. He shouldn’t have to revel in this lukewarm victory over his own self-loathing. Ushijima pledged not to rest until he had convinced him to stop being happy with mediocrity and start chasing after what he deserved.

“Yamaguchi, why were you ashamed to show me your scars?” he demanded, abandoning any attempt at tact.

“Well, uh… I know I have no reason to be ashamed of them. In fact, since I don’t self-harm anymore, part of me is actually proud of them.” He saw Ushijima’s head cocked in confusion at that comment, and went on to explain, “It’s like, a battle I won against myself. I used to depend on it to help remind myself that I’m still capable of feeling. Now I look at my scars and say, ‘This isn’t me anymore. This isn’t something I need now. I’m not dependent on you.’” He looked so proud of himself for a moment, but then his face fell back into that I’m-sorry-for-speaking smile. “But at the same time…who wants damaged goods, right?”

“I do,” Ushijima insisted, raising his voice. “Because you’re ‘damaged goods’, as you say, and I want you.” His temper was rising since Yamaguchi couldn’t see something that he thought was so obvious.

That temper went down significantly when Yamaguchi didn’t respond. He had turned away, hiding his face silently. Ushijima cursed himself for his own transparency; it was bad enough that he couldn’t suppress his anger just after waking up, not even an hour ago, but now he had no excuse. He usually had no problem with his temper. It wasn’t that he didn’t have one, it was just that he usually could compose himself enough not to let it show. But Yamaguchi’s unwarranted self-deprecation was really pushing his limits. He usually knew how to handle it when a person he cared about was being hurt, but if that same person was also the one doing the hurting? He had no idea. His own incapacity to understand was infuriating, too, on top of everything. He turned to apologize for his insensitivity, but meeting Yamaguchi’s wet, glistening eyes and sincere smile disrupted his course of action.

“Are you okay?” he demanded. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong!” Yamaguchi was quick to insist. “It’s just that… Thank you for letting me spend the night. I feel like I got to see a new side of you, and I’m glad I got to talk to you about stuff. But, um, now I really wish we could just keep walking. I don’t want to go to work.”

“Don’t you like your job?” asked Ushijima, confused about the seemingly abrupt topic change.

“That’s, uh, not really the point,” Yamaguchi replied, grimacing sheepishly. “Well, it is a little bit. I mean, I do like my job, but it’s not something that really matters to me. Otherwise I might not be so hesitant, I suppose.”

“Good thing you’re only doing it during your gap year, right?” Ushijima pointed out, remembering what he had said earlier.

“That’s right. I still don’t know what I want to study when I DO go to university, though. Makes me feel kind of purposeless.”

“There must be something you’re passionate about. At least that would give you a place to start.”

“Well, there’s kind of one thing,” he admitted hesitantly. “I’m crazy about astronomy, okay? Nothing is more interesting to me than all the possibilities in the entire infinite universe,” he gushed, eyes sparkling. “But to actually study that, I need all this physics and math. I think that stuff is really fascinating too, and I’ve always been decent at those kinds of classes. I don’t think I could survive in university courses that get into really complicated stuff, though.”

“Sounds to me like you’re selling yourself short,” Ushijima said simply. “You can’t do anything until you at least have enough faith in yourself to try. Stop wasting time questioning your abilities and just go for it.”

“But what if I waste a year or two struggling in classes I can’t handle, only to eventually fail?”

“Then it’s better than wasting a year or two doing nothing and getting nowhere. At least if you just go for it, you might learn something you actually want to do along the way.” It was a good point, but Yamaguchi still looked a little disheartened. “Maybe you don’t think that highly of yourself. Well, so what? Do it anyway.”

That last comment made a faint hope spread across Yamaguchi’s face. “Yeah, that’s right,” he said, brightening. “Whatever it feels like I can’t do, I have to do. That’s exactly it.” Ushijima wasn’t sure exactly what he meant, but judging by the determined look on his face, he must have been reminded of something important.

“I think I should say goodbye to you now, so Iwaizumi doesn’t cuss me out for PDA in front of the store,” Yamaguchi said, stopping just before the last turn. “Thank you for walking with me. And letting me spend the night. And just for talking to me.” Unexpectedly, he lunged forward into an embrace, wrapping his arms around Ushijima tightly. He stayed there for a long time. Eventually, Ushijima had to peel him away just enough to kiss him farewell. He waited for Yamaguchi to disappear around the corner to start walking back home, pensive. So much had happened in the past twenty-four hours. He’d learned so many things about Yamaguchi that he still didn’t completely understand, and he needed some space to absorb all that information. He also needed to sort through the fifty different emotions he’d cycled through just since waking up. But most importantly…

He needed to ask Oikawa when it was okay to tell someone you loved them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine Ushi outside running at like 5 am, and it worries me because he might get hit by a car or something. Like, damn boy, wake the fuck up.
> 
> This chapter feels really disjointed to me, especially since the first half is more or less unnecessary fun while the second gets pretty serious. But I liked writing it. To me, both parts say a lot about the way they interact, and about how Ushi--who I think really very introverted and understands things best from his own perspective--is figuring out how to deal with someone who doesn't think the same way he does.
> 
> Sorry this took a little while longer than usual. College is a thing that keeps happening to me. The next chapter may be a bit of a wait too, mostly because I still need to figure out how exactly I want to write it!
> 
> Thanks for reading!! Let me know what you think about the story so far, I love getting all of your comments!!!!


	11. Out

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi is pretty happy with how his life is going right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lol this chapter is so much self-indulgent fun. A lot of it probably seems pretty superfluous, and it's not very shippy, but I think it was fun to write, and rereading it made me smile uwu
> 
> Hope you enjoy~

“Why the hell would I want to go?”

“Please, if I’m there alone with all of them, I’ll die. And I have no choice, it’s at my apartment!”

“Well insist that they do it at someone else’s apartment.”

“You think I didn’t try that? Nobody would listen!”

“Sucks to be you, then.”

“Tsukki! Please!!”

It’s not like it was going to be a huge party per se, just a game night at the apartment with the addition of a select few friends. But their apartment was already cramped and crowded with only five inhabitants. Just adding a couple people that Lev and Inuoka had met through mutual university classes would have been fine; there was space for a couple extra bodies, and it probably wouldn’t get too crazy. However, when you factor in Nishinoya and Tanaka and the alcohol they would inevitably bring, it had the potential to be a disaster. Yamaguchi would know. Last time, he had the good fortune of being the one to answer the door when the police arrived. Not only had they gotten noise complaints, but their neighbors had even called the cops because it sounded like there was a fight going on. After being kindly let off with a warning, Tanaka had gone on to say that that was a brilliant idea, and that they should start a fight club that night. Yamaguchi had to actually physically stop them from moving the furniture around to make some space to brawl in the living room.

He couldn’t go through that again. Not alone. Please no.

With Tsukishima there as an extra voice of reason, he might be able to survive. But of course, since Tsukki actually had a choice in the matter, no way would he agree to come. Not that Yamaguchi had expected any different. In fact, it might have been better to not invite Tsukki at all, since he would probably just end up butting heads with everybody at once. No doubt he would piss Kageyama and Hinata off constantly, and that could turn out badly for everyone involved—though at the least, Tsukishima would never stoop to their level and get physical. Yes, inviting Tsukki was a guaranteed mistake. But Yamaguchi needed him to keep him sane. He trusted Tsukki more than anyone he knew to stay level-headed and calm, which could actually give Yamaguchi a much-needed chance to just relax and enjoy himself. If he wasn’t stressed out the entire time, a game night with a lot of his closest friends could be really fun.

“Is that asshole boyfriend of yours going to be there?”

The question caught Yamaguchi off guard. Honestly, it hadn’t even occurred to him to invite Ushijima—and with good reason, he realized. “No way in hell,” he said forcefully. “Somehow his tolerance level for bullshit is even lower than yours. If I tried to force him into a situation with Nishinoya, Tanaka, Kageyama, AND Hinata, we’d have a quadruple homicide on our hands.”

Tsukishima snickered and said, “Then maybe I’ll show up. What time?”

“Er, around seven, I think,” answered Yamaguchi, confused by Tsukishima’s sudden willingness.

“Well if I know Nishinoya and Tanaka, that really means around eight, but okay. I’ll try to show up a little early to keep you sane,” Tsukki said a little patronizingly.

“Thanks Tsukki! It’ll be a lot more fun with you there.” Yamaguchi was so relieved to know he wouldn’t have to deal with all that chaos alone. But he wondered why Tsukki’s decision to come had at least partially hinged on Ushijima not being there.

Tsukki was still constantly bitter towards Ushijima, and Yamaguchi was beginning to suspect that it had something to do with him. Maybe it was some kind of protective thing? It’s normal for your best friend to be skeptical of anyone you go out with, right? Yeah, if Tsukki started dating someone, he’d want to make sure they were good for him, and he might be a little prickly around them at first. Totally normal. Of course, if Tsukki had gotten a date, Yamaguchi would probably be extremely jealous in addition to the normal amount of protectiveness, even now. Though he was extremely involved with Ushijima and falling for him more and more by the day, the feelings he had harbored over the course of—what, seven years at this point?—wouldn’t just suddenly go away. Tsukishima was still the person who knew him better than anyone else in the world. As much as he loved it, Ushijima’s intensity took some getting used to, and it still made Yamaguchi feel a little uneasy. Pleasantly uneasy, but it still couldn’t compare to the complete, unwavering comfort he felt around Tsukishima after being his closest friend for years.

Hey, so what if Tsukishima had never returned his feelings? Their friendship was the most important thing to Yamaguchi, and as long as he got to keep it, he was happy. And in addition to the best friend he could possibly ask for, he had an amazing boyfriend too, who he had the immense pleasure of gradually getting to know. Yamaguchi felt like the luckiest person on earth. Now if only he could get the two most important people in his life on speaking terms, he’d be over the moon with happiness. He talked to Tsukki about all the most important things in his life, and having to avoid ever saying anything about Ushijima was becoming difficult. Honestly, they were really similar people—both were generally taciturn and self-possessed, and both liked to be in control of a situation, though Ushijima was more apt to seize it straightforwardly while Tsukishima preferred subtlety. There must be a way to convince Tsukishima to warm up to him. Hey, he could always just bring up Ushijima later that night, and Yamaguchi would just have to think of a way to talk him up so that Tsukishima might be persuaded to give him a second chance.

He began looking forward to tonight with renewed vigor.

 

o o o o o

 

“You guys come on in and make yourselves at home,” Inuoka said, beckoning a pair of strangers inside to start the introductions. Lev and Inuoka’s friends had been the first people to show up. Yamaguchi had never met them before, but they seemed pretty chill. The one from their shared seminar class introduced himself as Shibayama Yuki. “But you can just call me Shiba. Or Yuki. It’s nice to meet you!” He was fairly short, with black hair parted at the center, and it seemed like he was hyped to be here, though his excitement came across as pretty low-key. His counterpart had bleached hair with obvious dark roots, and wore a completely passive expression as Inuoka introduced him as Kozume Kenma. Yamaguchi breathed a sigh of relief. They both seemed calm. At the very least, they didn’t give off the same over-the-top, constantly-loud vibe that Hinata, Nishinoya, and Tanaka all seemed to exude.

“I brought over one of my favorite games!” Shiba said, holding up a long box. “It’s called Superfight! You draw a character card and two superpower cards at random and then you have to argue over which would win in a fight! I figured it’d be fun with a lot of people.”

“Sounds hilarious, especially given the kind of people we have coming over,” Yamaguchi replied. “We have Cards Against Humanity, too, and a couple other weird card games that Inuoka picked up.”

“Sweet, I can’t wait!”

“Ooooooooh Kenma, did you bring PS3 games?!” Hinata broke in excitedly. Kozume, holding a couple of thin boxes, looked a little frightened and disturbed by the unexpected confrontation and just nodded tersely in response. Yamaguchi expected that quite a bit of convincing had gone into ensuring his presence here. He didn’t look like he cared much for socializing. Unfortunately for him, Hinata was incredibly persistent. “You should put one of them in and show me how to play!!”

Speaking up for the first time, Kenma muttered a small, “Um. Okay,” and tentatively removed a disc from one of the boxes, walking forward to where the console was set up.

“Hey Hinata, where’s Kageyama?” Inuoka asked. “Doesn’t he want to meet Shiba and Kenma?”

“He’s hiding in our room because he’s shy and antisocial!” said Hinata cavalierly.

“Oi, I heard that, dumbass!” came a muffled bellow from down the hall, confirming his point.

“Eh, he’ll come out eventually,” Hinata reassured a confused and slightly uncomfortable Kozume, sitting down on the floor next to him with a controller.

Yamaguchi and Shiba had a chance to get to know each other for a little while, and with Inuoka as the mutual friend, it made for some pretty fun conversation. Usually, Yamaguchi shied away from meeting new people, but Shiba was easygoing and friendly enough that he soon relaxed, and they were talking like they’d known each other for months. Soon, however, they were interrupted by a knock on the door. Yamaguchi got up to get it, leaving Inuoka to explain the story behind the massive patch of road rash on his left arm from when he’d eaten it falling off of that stupid motorized scooter.

He opened the door to find an immensely bored-looking Tsukishima standing at their doorstep. “Hey Tsukki! Come on in,” Yamaguchi invited warmly, stepping aside to let him through. With a polite “Thank you,” Tsukishima compliantly walked in, facing a barrage of introduction upon entry.

“Tsukishima Kei. Nice to meet you,” he said simply, meeting Shiba and Kenma’s stares with dead eyes. Shiba looked a little intimidated by his gaze, while Kenma just indifferently returned his attention to the television screen.

“Sit down wherever,” instructed Yamaguchi. “We’re just waiting for Noya and Tanaka to get here. I’m gonna go let Lev know he needs to hurry up and get out of the damn shower.”

Tsukishima took a seat and started politely conversing with Shiba, asking him questions about how he knew Inuoka, what classes he was taking, et cetera. He was obviously not the least bit interested in the small talk that he was making, but it was far more of a token effort than Yamaguchi had been expecting him to make. Reassured by Tsukki’s presence, he knocked on the bathroom door. “Lev, get out of the damn shower, we’re starting soon!”

“Calm down, I’ll be out in a sec!”

“Just hurry up, you know what’ll happen if Noya gets here before you’re done,” he threatened before returning to the living room.

Shiba was looking at him with a glimmer of uneasiness in his expectant eyes. “What are you talking about? Is this Nishinoya guy okay?”

Inuoka laughed at his question, then replied, “Yeah, he’s great! He just gets a little too excited sometimes. And, uh, let’s just say he doesn’t really know what boundaries are.”

“One time,” Yamaguchi elaborated, “he came over for a movie, and Hinata was still in the shower when he got here. He got a little impatient, so he just barged in through the bathroom door that Hinata forgot to lock, and—“

“HEY NEW IDEA HOW ABOUT WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THIS?” suggested Hinata loudly, cutting him off. Kozume shook with silent laughter beside him while the rest of the room howled. To Yamaguchi’s delight, everyone seemed comfortable together already. Even Tsukishima looked happy that he’d agreed to come, considering they were starting off by having fun at Hinata’s expense. His former worries for how the night would go were slowly melting away, and he sat back down to rejoin the conversation, starting to relax. He settled in even further when Lev came out to join them as well. He was beginning to wonder if he had overreacted in thinking this would end up as a disaster, when the front door abruptly slammed open, instantaneously reigniting his anxiety.

“HEYYYY, WHAT UP EVERYBODY?” Tanaka yelled by way of greeting.

“Man we haven’t been over here in forever!!” Nishinoya remarked, following close behind. They were carrying two six packs apiece of some kind of beer presumably, and looked quite pleased with themselves for their impressive entrance, which had had the intended effect of making everyone jump through the roof. “Hey, has anyone ordered pizza yet? I’m starving!”

Tsukishima was the first to recover, uttering an irritated “I’ll get it”, before leaving the room to call in for delivery. Inuoka jumped up soon after to finally complete the introductions, though Shiba and Kozume probably felt like they were already better acquainted with Noya and Tanaka than they had ever wanted to be. And Kageyama finally stumbled out of his room, drawn out most likely by all the noise. Well, that was everyone.

“Okay, so how are we going to fit ten people in here? Should I bring in some extra chairs from the dining room or what?”

“We can just sit on each other’s laps!” Nishinoya insisted, launching himself into the chair where Lev was currently sitting, grossly unprepared.

“OOF, get the hell off of me, you ass!!”

“Hey, we can just sit on the floor, I’m down for that,” Tanaka suggested.

“Sure, help me move the furniture more out of the way!”

After excessive redecoration and even more excessive squabbling about everything from seating positions to height differences, they were all successfully sitting in a ring around the floor. It was as loud and chaotic as Yamaguchi had been expecting, but at least everybody was getting along famously. Tanaka and Noya seemed to have taken a shining to Shiba, and were affectionately talking his ear off about something or other while Shiba was laughing so hard it looked like he might cry. Inuoka brought out Cards Against Humanity and started dealing and explaining the rules to Tsukishima, who had never played. Kenma was the only one looking a little uncomfortable, but Hinata quietly told him that it was okay if he wanted to play videogames on his own instead, and he seemed a lot more at ease. In a fit of brilliance, Tanaka had offered to pay ten bucks to whoever would get up to greet the pizza delivery guy naked, so when the knock on the door came, Yamaguchi was quick to jump up and answer it (fully clothed) to a collective groan of disappointment behind him.

He placed the four pizza boxes in the center of the circle, then grabbed a slice of pepperoni and a drink and sat back down next to Tsukishima. Sneaking a glance his way, Yamaguchi wondered if he regretted coming. He looked as bored as he had when he showed up on their doorstep, but at least a little amused showed through underneath his collected façade. Tsukishima caught him looking and they locked eyes. The corner of his mouth twitched up in a miniscule, barely discernable smile of reassurance. Yamaguchi instantly felt certain that whatever bullshit happened tonight, whatever idiotic ideas he might need to shut down, he’d be able to relax and enjoy it.

“Come on, let’s start the game already!”

As with most board games, the more people you can get together to play Cards Against Humanity, the more fun it is. It instantly became apparent that Kageyama had no idea what was going on when he innocently piped up, “What does… ‘pixelated bukakke’ mean?” before Inuoka could even draw the first black card. Kozume quietly muttered the definition to him as the rest of the room howled with laughter, even more so when Kageyama started blushing furiously, looking like his innocence had just been shattered. As the game progressed and this kept happening, Tanaka insisted on turned it into a drinking game: any time someone didn’t know what a word meant, take a drink. After a full round, Yamaguchi’s bottle was empty and his head was spinning, mostly from laughing too hard and starving his brain of oxygen. It was his black card next. Trying to breathe slowly and stop himself from giggling, he drew and read over it aloud.

“How did I lose my virginity?”

“Oh, oh, I know this one!” Hinata piped up helpfully. “That one time you stayed over at Ushiwaka’s place, right?!”

The room went silent for a second, all heads turning to watch Yamaguchi’s face flush quickly to a deep crimson. Panicking, he hid behind his hands whispering, “Just please pick a white card oh my god,” quickly and breathlessly, bracing himself for their response.

He didn’t have long to wait. Tanaka clapped him on the back, saying, “Congratulations, man! Ushiwaka’s hot! I can’t believe you hit that!!” Yamaguchi’s protests to the contrary fell on deaf ears as Noya rushed to congratulate him as well, making an unreasonably big fuss about it while he tried to urge them to just shut up and play a card. His embarrassment only served as encouragement. For the rest of the game, any time someone would play something sexual (which made up about half of the cards, honestly), someone would make a quip directed at Yamaguchi.

“When your man asks you to go down on him, try surprising him with [blank] instead.”

“I don’t know, hey Yamaguchi, what do you do when Ushiwaka asks you to go down on him?”

“Oh I’ve got a great suggestion, Yama, try this.” *slaps down the card “whipping it out”*

“For fuck’s sake just shut up and play the game!”

Yamaguchi was mortified, but he was enjoying the fun at his own expense, laughing along with everyone else. Hell, it was far from the worst thing he could be teased about. How could he complain, ‘Oh no, my amazing friends that like and care about me are saying I’m having sex with my amazing boyfriend that likes and cares about me!’? Just thinking about it actually made him glow with happiness. He didn’t notice Tsukishima beside him, growing quieter and more snappish, scowl deepening on his face. He didn’t think anything of it when every time someone said Ushijima’s name, Tsukki would angrily take a drink. He was enjoying himself far too much, in a carefree way that made all his former worries melt away.

They had gone through a few more rounds before he started to get a little cold, and thought he might need to grab a jacket “Hey, I need to get something from my room,” Yamaguchi announced, standing up. “Keep playing without me, I’ll be right back.” He ducked in to the dark room, using the light from the hallway to rifle through his dresser for something cozy. Then the door shut behind him. Startled and unable to see into the darkness of the drawers, he turned around to reopen the door, figuring some kind of draft had closed it. But instead, he saw Tsukishima standing unsteadily, leaning on the doorknob for support. “Tsukki? What’s up, is everything okay?”

“I need to talk to you.” His words were a little slurred together. He looked fairly pale, or maybe that was just because his face was only illuminated by the moonlight streaming through the window. There was sweat glistening on his forehead. Yamaguchi wondered how much he had had to drink.

“Are you feeling all right?” he asked, voice laden with concern. “You look like you’re about to be sick.” He took a step closer, intending to comfort him somehow. But Tsukishima held up a hand in a feeble gesture to ward him off, shaking his head slightly with a strained expression on his face.

“Tadashi,” he muttered, catching Yamaguchi off guard by using his first name.

“Tadashi, I think I’m in love with you.”

Yamaguchi’s world shattered around him. Time slowed down to a crawl. He feebly tried to process what he had just heard, but thinking was like trying to wade through molasses. His knees felt like they could buckle at any second. Had Tsukishima really meant that? Maybe he had just heard him wrong, there was no way he could have said what he said, right? Desperate for clarification, Yamaguchi was only able to choke out, “You… W-what?”

“I’m so sorry. I’m sorry, Tadashi. This isn’t fair, not to you, but I don’t know what to do anymore,” Tsukishima said, babbling uncontrollably. “You’ve been there for me for so long, and you always put my needs before your own, even if it hurts you. You’ve had feelings for me for a long time, right? Akiteru told me. All that fucking time and you never said anything once. But now here I am in the same godddamn boat, and I have no idea how you did it. When I see you so happy, chattering on about that prick like a lovesick puppy, completely oblivious to how I feel, I can’t stand it. And I only realized I’m actually in love with you like a month ago.” He paused to laugh derisively at himself. “Isn’t that pathetic? I can’t even just respect your happiness and keep my fucking thoughts to myself. And here I am, drunkenly confessing them to you, because I have no idea how to say what I’m thinking when I’m sober. And I… I just… Oh god...” Unable to form any more cohesive sentences, he just lapsed into a broken, high-pitched giggle.

For a brief moment, Yamaguchi could only stare mutely, not comprehending. He didn’t know how to react at first. But he figured that out soon enough, when an angry, white-hot rage started boiling in the pit of his stomach. “You’re…telling me this now? You couldn’t have said something, oh I don’t know, a year ago, even six weeks ago? You had to wait until I’ve finally started to move on to bring this up??” he asked, voice gradually growing louder and curdling into a vicious snarl.

“I didn’t know that’s how I felt! I didn’t know I thought of you as anything but a friend until just recently!” Tsukishima retaliated defensively. Then he switched to the offensive. “What about YOU? You’ve been in love with me for YEARS and never said ANYTHING about it! You have no room to blame me for not being honest with you sooner!”

“Hey at least I didn’t wait until you were already in a committed relationship to force my feelings down your throat! What did you think would happen, I’d realize that the way I feel about Ushijima is all a sham and come running back to you? Or worse, maybe you thought I’d just brush this off as a stupid meaningless confession and forget about it?” Yamaguchi was getting more livid by the second, expression contorted into a mask of fury. “Fun fact, idiot: I STILL have feelings for you! What gives you the right to play around with them like this??”

“I know this isn’t right, I’m sorry,” Tsukishima apologized, backtracking desperately. “I know I’m being selfish. Please just hear me out, Tadashi, I—“

“Don’t you DARE ‘Tadashi’ me, Kei!!” Yamaguchi spat out bitterly. Their argument had risen in volume to the point where they were yelling so loudly that the neighbors could probably hear. “Don’t come at me with your bullshit and try to butter me up by calling me that! What the hell do you want from me??”

“I… I don’t know what I want, okay? I just needed to get this off my chest, because it’s tearing me apart! I had to tell you before it’s too late…”

“It’s ALREADY too late, Kei! Don’t you get it?” Yamaguchi suddenly felt trapped. He had to get out of here, out of his tiny, dark room that usually served as his place of refuge but was now the last place on Earth he wanted to be. He instinctively backed away, but there was nowhere for him to go, with Tsukishima blocking the door. Fortunately, he stepped forward when Yamaguchi retreated, and Yamaguchi seized the opportunity to push past him and escape. He emerged into the living room and faced the concerned gaze of everyone seated there, probably having heard every word of the unfolding drama through the thin apartment walls. The fight with Tsukishima was bad enough, but knowing that it had been put on display like that was too much, and he wanted out out out of this place, out of this situation, out of this life, OUT.

He heard someone calling after him, “Wait, Yamaguchi, come back!” before he had even registered that he was running through the front door and into the night. It didn’t matter whose voice it was, because no way in hell was he going back. He picked a direction and ran, not caring where he wound up, knowing anywhere would be better than where he was right now. He just had to be somewhere where he could process the emotions swirling thickly around in his head, clouding his thoughts and even obstructing his vision.

He ploughed forward through the cool night air, not knowing how he’d ever be able to go back, hoping against hope that he’d find a way to disappear into the darkness forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SUDDENLY, ANGST!!!
> 
> Who loves cliffhangers? I know I do!!


	12. Space

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi is pretty fucking upset right now. Fortunately, he runs into somebody who give him much-needed reassurance and advice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel much better after writing this chapter. Leaving Yama so upset at the end of the last one made me feel like shit TTnTT I'm sorry Yama <3

It was quiet when he stopped running.

Without the sound of his feet hitting the pavement and his own ragged breath, there was nothing left to fill the silence but the occasional whoosh of a passing car. Yamaguchi had finally regained his composure enough to wonder where he was, if nothing else. He was honestly afraid to look up and find that he had run so far as to not recognize the streets around him. But fortunately, his feet had taken him somewhere he knew very well.

The Crow’s Nest Café was usually closed long before now; indeed, Yamaguchi noted that the fluorescent “open” sign in the front window was turned off. And yet, there was a light on inside, and Yamaguchi could see someone moving around towards the back. He had no idea who it was, but he felt the urge to go in. It was better than being outside at night alone with his swirling thoughts. Worst case scenario, they were being robbed and Yamaguchi might get attacked for being a witness—but he’d worry about that if it happened. He tried the door and found that it was still unlocked, the chime of a bell announcing his entry. There was a rustling coming from the back, and a figure soon appeared behind the counter.

“Sorry, we’re closed right now,” the figure called out in a soft but firm voice. “On weekdays we close at seven, so come back again tomorrow.”

“Oh, Suga!” Yamaguchi exclaimed in recognition. “It’s you!”

“Yamaguchi? Hey! I couldn’t see you in the dark.” Suga beckoned him into the back. “Come into the light where I can see you and let’s chat. What the hell are you doing here this late?”

“I should ask you the same question. You should have left a couple hours ago!”

“Eh, I still have some stuff to do,” he said with a shrug, gesturing for Yamaguchi to take a seat. “And for some reason, I’m just not ready to go home yet, you know?”

“I feel you there,” Yamaguchi admitted, grimacing. He thought about what he might face when he returned to the apartment, and his face fell. A sick feeling swirled in the pit of his stomach. No, that wasn’t it. He was so ready to go home, ready to return to his safe place and sink crying into his bed, ready to stare at his glow-in-the-dark starry sky and pretend that none of the evening’s events had happened. But he couldn’t. Tsukishima might still be there. His roommates would question him. Lev and Inuoka’s friends that he had just met would look at him with a polite concern, unsure of what to say. The thought of facing any of that was sickening.

“Yamaguchi, what’s wrong? Are you feeling alright?”

“Suga…” he started hesitantly. “S-something happened… It’s about Tsukki.”

“What? What do you mean? Did he get hurt?”

“No, nothing like that. It’s, uh… He said... It’s just…” Tears beaded in his eyes and hung there for a second before dripping down his face, and he finally managed to choke out, “H-he was drunk, and he said he was in love with me, Suga.”

Suga inhaled sharply through his teeth in sympathy. “Well shit. I’m gonna make you some tea, okay?” He left Yamaguchi for a second, and came back with a cup full of hot water and loose leaf tea, a vanilla scone from the pastry case, and a box of tissues. Having buried his head in his hands, Yamaguchi heard them clatter as Suga set them down, and a scraping sound of a chair being dragged across the floor. An arm wrapped around his shoulder and soothingly started rubbing his back.

“What the fuck am I supposed to do?” Yamaguchi cried plaintively. “I’ve been in love with him for years, and right when I’m finally moving on and falling for someone else, he decides to pull this shit.”

Suga was quiet for a while, thinking of a response while absentmindedly rubbing Yamaguchi’s back, then slowly said, “You’re sure you love Tsukki, but how do you feel about Ushijima?”

Pondering the question for a while himself, Yamaguchi thought of everything that had happened over the course of the past couple of months. Wasn’t that too short of a time to say with certainty that you love someone? Sure, Ushijima was accepting of everything about him…and liked to hear what he had to say…and respected his boundaries…and always spoke his mind…and looked at him like he was the world. The more Yamaguchi thought about it, the more he decided that didn’t matter how long they had known each other. Fuck that. “I love him too. I’m certain of it.”

“Well then, we have a dilemma on our hands, don’t we?”

“I have to choose between them, don’t I?” said Yamaguchi, gesturing wildly out of exasperation. “Fucking of course. Why, why would he do this to me? Why couldn’t he just let me be happy??”

“Getting mad at Tsukishima isn’t going to help, Yamaguchi,” Suga insisted in a stern voice. “You know that. Yeah, he screwed up big time, and it would have been better for you to go on without knowing that he had feelings for you. But he’s only human. If he hadn’t said something to you, it probably would have tormented him for years.”

Yamaguchi didn’t want to think about Tsukki’s feelings. Hell no, not after the shit he pulled. But he saw that Suga had a point—it wouldn’t be fair to hold a stupid mistake over Tsukishima’s head like that. He said through gritted teeth, “You’re right and I hate it.”

“The same goes for Ushijima. No doubt at some point, he’ll unintentionally hurt you, too. If you hold that against someone and don’t give them the chance to make up for their mistake, then you’re going to have a problem in any relationship.”

“So how does that help me? I still don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do,” Yamaguchi muttered bitterly. With exaggerated sarcasm, he went on, “Obviously I have to choose, right? According to cliché, I must decide on my suitor.”

Suga snorted softly. “Cliché and human decency, I guess. Though I’d prefer you not let cliché guide you too much, since it also dictates that you let your suitors fight over you to win your affection.”

“Is that an option? I’ve never had boys fighting over me before.”

“Decide on it as quick as you can, hon. Don’t be a dick.”

Heaving an exasperated sigh, Yamaguchi replied, “I know. But how can I possibly choose between the two most important people in my life?”

A pensive look graced Suga’s features. After deliberating for a while, he asked, “Yamaguchi, how would you like to hear a story? It’s not the kind of story I tell just anyone, but I think it’s something you deserve to hear. Just promise you won’t spread it around too much.”

“Um. Okay. I’ll keep it to myself,” Yamaguchi swore, wondering what this could possibly be about. He felt like he was about to hear something exceedingly interesting.

“For as long as I’ve known him,” Suga began, “Daichi has been the love of my life. When we met in high school, I was head over heels instantly. I was drooling over him for so long, thinking it was unrequited, until he finally asked me out our third year. And our relationship was great! We were hopelessly in love. Everything was perfect up until we graduated and planned on going to different universities, and then we were faced with a difficult decision. Should we do the long distance thing? CAN we do the long distance thing? What if it doesn’t work out and it fucks up an otherwise amazing relationship? Eventually, we chose to break up. We agreed that if one of us decided that we wanted to get back together, then they should contact the other and let them know, since we didn’t want to completely close off what still had the potential to be a great, lasting relationship. And we parted ways.

“So I went to university, sad to not have my best friend and lover with me anymore. I wasn’t exactly ready to move on, to say the least. And yet, I ended up meeting someone, almost right away. If you could even call it that. He showed up while I was at work every single day for a fucking week to hit on me. He was an arrogant prick. I hated his guts and always dreaded the moment he would inevitably come in to ruin my day. Eventually, I agreed to go out with him once just to get him to leave me alone. And that’s how I started dating Oikawa.”

Yamaguchi choked on his tea. “You’re kidding.”

“I wish I was,” Suga responded with an amused smile, “but it’s the truth.”

Completely incredulous, Yamaguchi was rendered incapable of speech, mouth agape. The only word he finally managed to stutter out was, “Why?”

“Hey, we were actually great together, believe it or not!” Suga insisted. “Our relationship was amazing—one of the best years of my life. Yeah, he’s a self-absorbed, egotistical asshole, but he does have SOME redeeming qualities.” Suga’s eyes acquired a dreamy, reminiscent cast, as he went on, “I’ve never met someone so passionate. Where other people see walls, he sees an opportunity to cut out a window, and he loves the process of it more than the outcome. He’s an extraordinary person when you get past the arrogant persona he tries to project… Plus the sex was unbelievable.” Hearing what he had just said snapped Suga out of his reverie with a visible jolt. “Uhmmm, don’t tell him I said that,” he said, speaking rapidly. “O-or Daichi. Please.”

“Anyway,” he continued, stumbling to regain composure, “the point is that we dated for a year, we were obviously in love, and it was perfect. We were serious, too. It wasn’t the most stable relationship, to be sure, but it had a lot of heart. I really think it could have lasted.

“Except, Daichi decided he wasn’t cut out for university and moved back here. And he came to me and said that he wanted to get back together, just like we agreed we would. He said that he had never been happier than when we were together. So, I had to choose. And you already know the decision I made. Looking way into the future, I thought I wanted the calmness and stability that I had with Daichi over the passionate recklessness that characterized my relationship with Oikawa. So I broke up with him. It was hard, but I did it. And here we are today.

“Now let me ask you this, Yamaguchi,” Suga said, looking him in the eye and enunciating slowly. “Do you think I made the right choice?”

The right choice? Yamaguchi had to think about that. “Uh… Well, you and Daichi are really happy together, right? And Oikawa has Iwaizumi now. You’re even still close friends with him, right? Yeah, I think you made the right choice.”

“WRONG!” Suga exclaimed, as though that was exactly the answer he had been expecting. “I mean, it’s not like I made the wrong choice,” he explained, backtracking a little. “My point is, there is no wrong choice. If I had stayed with Oikawa, guess what? I would still be happy. Even if we eventually broke up, I still would have wound up just fine. Daichi and Iwaizumi both would have found someone else. Everything would have turned out great either way.”

“Wait, but if there isn’t a right answer, then how did you pick?”

“I just kind of went with my gut, I suppose,” Suga said with a shrug. “Fuck, if I had the opportunity to go back now and choose differently, I still wouldn’t know who to pick. I’ve loved every second that I’ve been with Daichi, but…” His voice trailed off and he diverted his eyes into the distance again, sadly. “When I broke up with him, Oikawa was devastated. I was his first serious relationship after years of wondering what he was doing wrong, and I know now that he blamed himself for our relationship not working out, too. He didn’t fight to stay with me at all, and now I think I should have realized it then… I can’t believe I hurt him so badly… After he came to terms with it, he insisted that there was nothing I had to apologize for and asked to stay my friend. But Iwaizumi never forgave me for doing that to him, and neither have I.”

Yamaguchi was deeply distraught by Suga’s words. He leapt to insist, “Hey, if you had turned Daichi down, you could have wound up in the same position!”

Smiling, Suga replied, “You’re right. There’s no point in feeling regret. You can’t go back and choose, so you have to stick with your choice no matter what. Just make sure that you think long and hard about the possible consequences, and don’t let anyone try to influence your decision. This is your choice, and nobody else can make it for you.”

Fuck. This was going to be hard. He didn’t want to hurt either of them, but it was unavoidable at this point. Yamaguchi quailed at the sheer amount of thought he would need to put into this decision—right now all he really wanted was to go home and rest so that he could think about this carefully and without interruption. But going back to the apartment now would have the opposite effect. Tsukishima might even still be there; who knows? And even if he had left by this point, Yamaguchi wasn’t ready to face his roommates either after storming off like that. So where could he go now? Where could he spend the night? His mind flashed briefly to Ushijima’s apartment, but oh god no he did not want to think about that right now. Bad. Bad idea. Spending the night with him would seriously influence Yamaguchi’s decision. He shook his head to dislodge the persistent mental images of the last time he was there.

Suga of course noticed and asked, “What’s up, Yamaguchi? Everything okay?”

“I, uh. I don’t really want to go home,” he confessed. “What if Tsukki’s still there? What would my roommates say to me?”

“Hey, if you need somewhere to crash for the night and get away from everything, our couch is available. I’ll call Daichi and explain the situation, and you can come home with me.”

Yamaguchi was flooded with relief. “That would be amazing, Suga, thank you so much!”

“You can stay as long as you like, okay?” Suga reassured, placing a comforting hand on Yamaguchi’s shoulder. “And if you need someone as a sounding board to help you figure stuff out, Daichi and I would both be happy to help you.” Yamaguchi nodded his understanding, and finally relaxed as Suga left to the other room to call home.

 

o o o o o

 

The apartment was dark. Yamaguchi lay awake, staring at the unfamiliar ceiling, listening to the barely audible murmur of Daichi and Suga talking in the next room, trying in vain to discern what they were saying. No doubt they were talking about him, but the wall prevented his eavesdropping attempts. Oh well, at least he wouldn’t be distracted by their conversation. He breathed in deeply, then exhaled in a long, drawn out sigh. Finally, some space to think.

The couch had been neatly made when he and Suga had arrived, courtesy of an overly sweet and concerned Daichi. Yamaguchi found himself examining the way he and Suga interacted, thinking about the conversation they had just had. They both looked so happy. It was honestly a little hard to watch how comfortable and familiar they were with each other, given that they definitely weren’t shy about hiding it. Would Suga have really been this happy with Oikawa? Yamaguchi couldn’t imagine that. No way in hell would Oikawa be satisfied with this saccharine shtick. Then again, maybe Suga didn’t necessarily want that either, but it was just the nature of his relationship with Daichi. If you’re trying to decide between two people, which is more important: the nature of your relationship, or the person themself? For which reason did Suga pick Daichi?

Tsukishima the person was an enigma. Everything he did and said had about ten layers of implication, and he was unwilling to do or say anything straightforwardly. About most things, he was incredibly perceptive, except for when it came to people. About other people, he just didn’t care enough to pay attention. He was so clever, and though he was selective about when he spoke, he always had something to say, some snarky comment to make about something or other. And yet, the things he said rarely revealed much about how he was thinking or feeling at any given time. Truly, he was piss poor at actual communication. Talking to him in any deep capacity took a lot of work, and a lot of thought.

By contrast, Ushijima was an open book. He made no effort at subtlety ever, and everything about him was straightforward and overt. He wasn’t really the most perceptive person, seeming to take everything at face value. His passions were few, but he pursued them relentlessly, openly, unquestioningly, unapologetically—he knew exactly what he cared about and enjoyed it without shame. In terms of conversation, he didn’t often have much to offer. Asinine small talk and commentary were certainly not his thing. However, when it came to meaningful communication, he was incomparably adept. He knew how to say what he was thinking and mean it, even though it might be difficult for him to say.

Now as for the relationship between Yamaguchi and Tsukishima… Well, they were best friends. He was more comfortable with Tsukishima than anyone else he knew. They knew each other so intimately that it was hard to imagine ever being separate from him. Yamaguchi had thought of a romantic relationship with him many times before, but now that he had some experience with that kind of interaction (courtesy of Ushijima), he wasn’t so sure. He certainly couldn’t imagine Tsukishima being nearly that demonstrative. Also, it would probably be awkward at first making a transition from platonic to not, just because of the way Tsukishima worked. But Yamaguchi was confident that it would work out, and had the potential to be great. They were so used to being comfortable together that it wouldn’t take long to adapt to a new dimension of their relationship. Plus, Yamaguchi knew he was capable of talking things out with Tsukishima; even though he was naturally reticent and unwilling to speak plainly, Yamaguchi felt that he could push him to be more open, given time.

As for Ushijima, Yamaguchi had had much less time to cultivate the same sort of deep, intimate connection with him. It made Yamaguchi worry that his impression of him might turn out to be false. However, with how honest Ushijima was as a general rule, plus having seen him when he was not calm and composed that time in his apartment, Yamaguchi had a good feeling about the accuracy of his observations. In the brief time they had spent together, they had explored more dimensions of a relationship compared to Tsukishima. Also, Ushijima was more comfortable with that kind of exploration. The way he deliberately communicated his intentions without being pushy or expecting made Yamaguchi more comfortable with it, too. Ushijima definitely had a knack for open communication, though he had a penchant for giving off nonverbal cues without meaning to. That unintentional intensity did funny things to Yamaguchi’s head, and he still wasn’t comfortable with it. It would take some getting used to, and that would only come with time.

Yamaguchi was still at a loss for what to decide. He had ultimately just reminded himself that he cared for both of them immensely, and thinking about their relationships and where they might go only made him long to be released from the burden of decision. What else had Suga said to consider? Ah yes, the consequences. What would happen if he rejected them? Tsukishima would of course be hurt, especially if he thought that Yamaguchi turning him down was because of the way he had confessed. Their friendship might be damaged, and things would certainly be uncomfortable for quite some time—but Yamaguchi was positive that it could be restored. They had been together for far too long to let this tear them apart for long. On the other hand, with Ushijima he didn’t have the same sort of deep, immovable connection. And since they had started off as lovers, becoming friends might not even be possible. Outside of their romantic relationship, they would never encounter each other anyway. Breaking Ushijima might mean severing all ties with him and never seeing each other again. But rationally, Yamaguchi thought that given how much he cared about Ushijima and genuinely adored his company, there must be a way to preserve it. He wouldn’t just let him go.

Ultimately, Yamaguchi realized that he couldn’t just rationalize this out. He had given it all the consideration he could for now, but the decision would have to come from the heart. Like Suga said, he had to go with his gut. He tried to listen to what his gut was telling him, but like Suga and Daichi’s voices in the next room that were just now dying down, he couldn’t quite pick out what it was saying. Oh well. He didn’t have work until later in the afternoon tomorrow, and thankfully it wasn’t one of the shifts he shared with Tsukishima. He had plenty of time to mull over everything and talk to people that could help him think more clearly. After the day’s events, he was exhausted, and he was happy to sleep on these thoughts. Soon, he had dozed off, comforted by what Suga had told him. Whatever decision he made, there was no way it could be wrong, because he was going to be the one to make it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suga is the best mom ever
> 
> Everything is going to be ok, Yama, you have plenty of people around you to help you think this through <3


	13. Doors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why the fuck isn't Yamaguchi answering his phone??

Seven unanswered texts and four missed calls over three days.

Yamaguchi was usually so prompt about answering his phone. Even if he couldn’t respond for a few hours, he wouldn’t wait that long. Something must be wrong.

Initially, Ushijima was not at all worried about Yamaguchi’s safety. He had four roommates and plenty of close friends, so if he was missing or hurt, they would know. Certainly, someone would have contacted him if that was the case. Right?

But wait, did any of Yamaguchi’s roommates even have his number? Ushijima couldn’t recall ever having given it out, but maybe Yamaguchi had given it to at least one of them. Maybe. Unwilling to ride on that assumption, Ushijima decided it would be better to check up on him in person and make sure. He didn’t like the idea of showing up to their apartment unannounced, but he refused to allow for any possibility of Yamaguchi being hurt without his knowledge. He messaged Yamaguchi to let him know that he was coming over. Even though Yamaguchi wasn’t responding to his texts, he figured that there was a chance he was reading them, so maybe that would give his roommates a heads-up that he would be there soon.

So he found himself on their doorstep, knocking firmly on the door, hoping that someone was home. To his relief, he heard indistinct arguing from within. That relief quickly dissipated, however, when it continued for over a full minute, gradually swelling in volume until he could clearly hear from outside.

“…Okay so you answer it!”

“Hell no, he scares me! Kageyama you do it!” There was a brief pause. “What the fuck Kageyama you can’t just run away!?!”

“Too bad, looks like it’s on you!”

“Oh my god, FINE!!”

The door swung inwards to reveal a round, half-pissed, half-scared face framed by bright orange hair. Hinata flinched when he met Ushijima’s narrowed eyes. He probably realized that part of that heated exchange had been overheard by the intimidating figure before him. “H-hey, Ushiwa—I-I mean Ushijima,” he stuttered through a taught, nervous grin. “What can we do for you?”

“Is Yamaguchi okay?” Ushijima asked directly. It was better to cut to the chase. At this point, he was irritated on top of being increasingly worried that something awful had happened, and it made him impatient.

“Okay?” parroted Hinata, confused. “What do you mean okay?”

“Is he alright? He hasn’t gotten hurt or, I don’t know, gone missing or something?”

“Uhh… No, he’s fine. Why do you ask?”

“He hasn’t been answering his phone for the past few days at all. I thought there might be something wrong.”

“Nope, nothing like that. He’s been kinda sad lately, but he’s not hurt.”

“Wait, he’s upset about something? Is he home now? Can I see him?”

“Ummm.” Hinata’s gaze darted to the side, avoiding eye contact. “He said to tell you he’s not here...”

“Hinata, what the hell??” A hand grabbed Hinata by the hair and pulled him away from the open doorway. A second later, he was replaced by a sheepish-looking but resolute Inuoka. “H-hey Ushijima. Sorry about that.”

“What’s going on,” Ushijima said as a terse statement rather than a question. He had the growing suspicion that something was seriously wrong. “If Yamaguchi isn’t feeling well, I want to be there for him.”

Inuoka took a deep breath and exhaled. “Look, I really am sorry about this,” he insisted. “There’s nothing you can do to help him right now. In fact, according to him, seeing you right now might make things harder for him.”

Every instinct Ushijima had was screaming at him to push past Inuoka and go comfort the person he loved. His entire body was tensed up and trembling slightly from self-restraint. Is it possible to violently care about someone? Is love supposed to feel so explosive and angry like this? “Me talking to Yamaguchi… That would make things worse.” he paraphrased for clarification through clenched teeth. Inuoka only responded with a slight nod. Ushijima ground his teeth together. His nails dug little crescents into the palms of his clenched fists. Yamaguchi was just beyond that door, struggling with something that had weighed him down for three days now, and there was nothing he could do to help. Not only that, but his presence would actually hinder Yamaguchi in dealing with his problems. It hurt, but he had to tear himself away. He had to respect Yamaguchi’s wishes.

“I’m sorry for bothering you. Tell him I lo-…” Ushijima choked down the errant word before it could finish escaping his lips. He collected himself and tried again. “Please tell him I’m worried about him. And that I’m available if he changes his mind and wants to talk to me.” He nodded tersely and left without waiting for a response.

What could Yamaguchi possibly be upset about? What might have happened three days ago that could explain this? Ushijima vaguely remembered him mentioning something about a party at his apartment that he was nervous about, but what could have happened there that brought him so down? And not only was he upset, but he was upset about something that he couldn’t talk to Ushijima about. Was he, or their relationship, possibly the subject of Yamaguchi’s despair? How was that possible?

He was so lost in thought that he almost failed to notice the passing figure heading in the opposite direction. Almost. Ushijima looked up long enough to meet his hostile eyes, partially obscured by the thick black frame of his glasses, for a fleeting instant when they were almost shoulder-to-shoulder. Ushijima’s breath caught in his throat, but he kept walking. He didn’t risk a double-take, nor did he need one. Though he couldn’t remember his name, he recognized the man instantly by his blond hair and ubiquitous headphones around his neck, having seen him several times when picking Yamaguchi up from work. The same guy who Yamaguchi had mentioned long having unrequited feelings for when they had first met. And here he was, walking up to the same apartment from which Ushijima had just been denied access. Here he was, allowed a rendezvous with the love of Ushijima’s life when he himself had been rejected. Here he was, a testament to Ushijima’s sudden, jarring agony as everything fell click, click, click, right into place, and a terrible weight crushed the air from his chest.

His phone buzzed in his pocket in perfect time with the breaking of his heart.

 

o o o o o

 

Yamaguchi had put a lot of thought into this. Over the past few days, he had done virtually nothing but think through and talk over his feelings with his closest friends. He explained his situation to Iwaizumi and gotten his shifts moved around a little so that he didn’t have to interact with Tsukishima, and he had been successfully (and a little guiltily) avoiding Ushijima simply by not answering his phone. He felt like an ass for so obviously ditching both of them, but he didn’t want to interact with them before he was ready and say something stupid he didn’t mean. Neither of them deserved that.

So he bided his time, patiently, thoroughly considering every aspect of the issue, asking opinions of everyone he trusted, with mixed results. Suga and Iwaizumi were the most receptive to his careful questions. They listened to everything he had to say and offered great advice and perspectives he hadn’t thought of. His roommates weren’t much help in the advice department, but they had the listening thing in the bag, and were supportive and understanding of his situation. Yamaguchi felt so lucky to live with people that could tell when he needed to be alone and when he needed a distraction from his swirling thoughts. It felt like cheating. He knew the two people he was in the process of snubbing were slowly feeling more and more confused and uncertain, while he was more relaxed and clear-minded than he had felt in a long time. Guilt tickled the back of his mind, but he quelled it with a silent promise to come to a decision as fast as possible.

Sometime on the second day of contemplation he realized something important that completely cemented his decision. It felt so obvious, and he felt ashamed for having forgotten it. He excitedly rushed to tell Iwaizumi and Suga and ask their opinion and got more or less the same reaction from both: a slow smile that widened as Yamaguchi explained and a conclusive, “Well, I guess that settles it, doesn’t it?” Suddenly, Yamaguchi’s choice was clear, and he couldn’t remember what it had felt like to have doubts.

He needed to speak to Tsukishima first. He figured that inviting him back to the apartment and talking to him where this whole nonsense had started was the best way to go. If they were going to have an honest and open conversation, it should happen in the place where Tsukki had been more honest and open with him than he ever had before.

Of course, Yamaguchi hadn’t expected Ushijima to insist upon visiting within minutes of Tsukishima’s arrival.

When he got the text saying that he was on his way over, Yamaguchi paled. Really? He couldn’t have just waited another few hours until Yamaguchi was ready to talk to him? It had to be right now? Ah, what a cruel twist of fate. He frantically explained the situation to his roommates and asked them to please pretty please tell Ushijima he was out. When the loud, reverberating knock came, Yamaguchi knew it was time for him to make himself scarce, leaving Inuoka, Hinata, and Kageyama to argue over who would answer the door.

Through the thin walls of his room, Yamaguchi could hear every word. Oh god. He hadn’t even thought that by not responding to Ushijima’s texts and calls, he might have caused him to worry for his safety. And yet, that had been the top priority for Ushijima, so much so that it was the first thing out of his mouth once the door was open, without even so much as a hello. No. No, no, no, Yamaguchi did not deserve this. He didn’t deserve to even know someone so selfless. While he had been deliberating over which side of his asinine little love triangle to stick with, Ushijima had only been concerned for his health.

He had to slap a hand over his mouth to stop from swearing aloud when Hinata essentially informed Ushijima that Yamaguchi was actively ignoring him. Fortunately, Inuoka stepped in to smooth things over as much as possible. And still, after being blatantly informed that Yamaguchi was avoiding him, his first priority was to help. Despite the pain in his clipped tone, Ushijima had still only voiced concern and reassurance. Yamaguchi resolved not to make him wait any longer than he needed to. He pulled out his phone and sent a text to Ushijima. Now was as good a time as ever.

-Can I talk to you later today? Like, a couple hours from now? I don’t care where. It’s important.

Shortly after he pressed “send” and remerged from his room, a rapping sound came from the door, lighter and shorter than Ushijima’s had been earlier. It was so soon after Ushijima had gone; he didn’t feel ready. Oh well. Yamaguchi took a steadying breath and quickly went over some of the things he planned on saying in his head. He didn’t know how long this was going to take, not even close, and he had to brace himself for the worst possible reaction, just in case. He opened the front door to face a conversation he had never expected to have with his childhood friend.

 

o o o o o

 

-I’ll be at my apartment for the rest of the evening.

Ushijima had deliberated a while over whether or not Yamaguchi’s message deserved a response. Surely after three days of leaving him hanging, Yamaguchi deserved the same—though he couldn’t completely return the favor since it also included snubbing him for his best friend. Fair is fair, right? But petty revenge was not the answer here. Yamaguchi wanted to talk to him, and he should listen to what he had to say, even if he was already fairly sure what was coming. He didn’t want to draw this out for any longer than was necessary.

The knock came sooner than Ushijima expected. He reluctantly got up to answer it. ‘Let’s get this over with,’ he thought, arming himself with cold disdain before opening the door to an anxious freckled face. Something about his submissive posture and expression suggested that Yamaguchi had been expecting the hostility Ushijima exuded. The words “guilty” and “pleading” came to mind. He looked like he expected to be turned away, which was odd, since Ushijima had already consented to his visit. Instead of offering a greeting, Ushijima simply waited for him to speak, cocking an eyebrow as if to say, “Well? I’m waiting.”

“H-hi,” he stammered, with an awkward wave. “Can I come in?”

‘Can’t you just say whatever you need to say and then leave?’ is what Ushijima considered saying. Or he could just say, ‘No,’ and close the door in his face. He knew how immature that would be, however, and decided to bite his tongue while he was still able. Literally. He said nothing, simply gesturing an invitation with a jerk of his head. Yamaguchi compliantly followed him in, closing the door behind him and not taking another step. Ushijima had his arms crossed and his feet planted, giving off a clear I-don’t-want-you-here aura, and no doubt Yamaguchi didn’t want to intrude any more than he already had.

‘I thought that the next time I’d see you in my apartment, it would be different.’

‘I thought you said you’d come back to keep me company, not to abandon me forever.’

‘I thought you knew how much that meant to me, but I guess I was wrong.’

Ushijima bit his tongue over and over again to keep the accusations from passing his lips. He couldn’t think of anything else to say—his mind was too clouded by anguish at his betrayal—so he again waited for Yamaguchi to speak up.

“Tsukishima confessed his feelings to me a couple days ago.”

His blunt opening line confirmed all of Ushijima’s fears. “I thought so.”

“It stirred up a bunch of feelings that I had been trying to repress,” Yamaguchi continued concisely. “I didn’t know what to do, so I had to think things through for a few days. You know, clear my head.”

“Look, I already know what you’re going to say, so just get to the point.”

Yamaguchi’s breath hitched in his throat. “What do you mean you already know what I’m going to say?” He looked honestly confused. How cute. What an actor.

“If you’re going to break up with me just do it! Believe me, the feeling is mutual.”

“Mutual?” His expression darkened, eyes wide in disbelief. “You want me to break up with you?”

What right did he have to ask that when he was the one who had come here to break it off? Ushijima felt his blood boiling. He took an angry step forwards, and demanded, “Why the hell would I want to be with someone who just used me to make someone else jealous?”

Yamaguchi’s eyes glinted, and drew himself up into a defiant posture. “No. You have everything wrong,” he insisted with animated gesticulation. “You have no idea what you’re talking about. Don’t you dare push me away!”

“Push YOU away?? You’re the one who ignored me for three days, only to come here and break up with me! So just do it already and let’s get this over with!” Ushijima was livid. His voice had risen uncontrollably, and his vision was fringed with red. He had meant to try and keep his cool so they could talk about this rationally, but that dream was long gone. He hadn’t expected Yamaguchi to be in such obstinate denial about…what exactly? He couldn’t tell, nor did he care. It was cruel of him to keep carrying on like this. He didn’t—

“For fuck’s sake,” Yamaguchi screamed in frustration, interrupting his thoughts. “I’m not here to break up with you! I’m here to beg you to stay with me! Please, I know I left you hanging, and I’m sorry. I know I haven’t been fair to you, and I’m sorry. But no way in hell are we breaking up if I have anything to say about it!” With every sentence, he took a step closer until he was peering directly up into Ushijima’s eyes, daring him to disagree.

Time stood still for a long moment.

Ushijima was in a state of shock, incapable of processing Yamaguchi’s words. He could only focus on the freckled visage in front of him, exuding an intensity and determination that Ushijima had not known he possessed. He could feel his mouth moving, but he’d forgotten how to speak. What had Yamaguchi just said again? He couldn’t quite remember. As he gaped mutely, the anger on Yamaguchi’s face softened, though a fire still blazed in his eyes.

“I swore I wouldn’t leave, didn’t I?” he said, and Ushijima felt warm, tentative hands cupping the sides of his face. “I promised I’d come back to you. A promise is a promise. And how could I break a promise I made to you, of all people?”

Was that supposed to make him feel better somehow? Because it didn’t help at all. The anger swirling in his gut had not yet settled down, and he was unwilling to accept Yamaguchi’s honeyed words. “That’s it? The only reason you decided to stay with me is because you already said you would?”

Yamaguchi’s only smiled widely at his protest. “What did I say about pushing me away?” he asked. The hands on either side of Ushijima’s head gripped tighter so he couldn’t look away as Yamaguchi confessed, “I decided to stay with you because I love you too much to hurt you like that. I love you too much to leave after swearing I would stay.”

Gently, without giving Ushijima an opportunity to respond, Yamaguchi tugged him down into a deep, slow kiss that he almost got lost in. But he pulled away, not yet willing to give up.

“You’d be better off if you just left now, you know,” he insisted bitterly, averting his gaze. “You will eventually. Everyone does.”

“Hmm, you think so?” Yamaguchi said, pretending to consider it. “Well too bad. You’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

“You’ll get bored.”

“No I won’t.”

“You’ll get tired of me and leave.”

“Not a chance.”

“Just save yourself the trouble and get out now.”

“I love you.”

This time, Ushijima had no chance of escape. Yamaguchi’s fingers twined into his hair and splayed across the nape of his neck, pulling him down forcefully. Any trace of tenderness from before had vanished, replaced by a hot, aggressive passion behind Yamaguchi’s lips and tongue that sent electric shivers down his spine. If the other kiss was a suggestion, this was a demand—one he couldn’t possibly say no to. Nor did he want to. His hands were running across Yamaguchi’s back before he even registered having moved them, pulling their bodies flush together. The friction and heat combined with the heady sensation of Yamaguchi’s tongue sliding against his was intoxicating, and Ushijima felt himself pouring all of the confusion and anger and insecurities that he had accumulated over the past few days into the kiss. His movements gradually grew more desperate and forceful, clawing at the shirt on Yamaguchi’s back until it felt like he was on the verge of ripping it off his frame. When his aggression made Yamaguchi start to moan weakly into his mouth, Ushijima lost all pretense of control.

But before Yamaguchi’s shirt could wind up a shredded mess on the floor, he slid away from Ushijima’s mouth, trailing kisses back along his jawline. “Did you hear me?” he asked, lips buzzing softly against Ushijima’s ear. “I said I love you. And I don’t care what you say; I’m not going anywhere.” His teeth started gently teasing Ushijima’s earlobe, eliciting from him a light sigh of pleasure. But no, he refused to get carried away by the sensation. Yamaguchi deserved a response.

Ushijima gripped his shoulders tightly, pushing him away so he could look him in the eyes. “I love you too,” he insisted fervently. “I have, I mean, from the start, I think.” He was stumbling over his words in his haste, desperate to communicate the feelings making his heart threaten to pound out of his chest.

Yamaguchi tried to stifle a laugh at his stuttering. “Yeah,” he said with a teasing grin, “I can tell.” In a second, his face was smothered against Ushijima’s chest in an oppressive embrace. Ushijima couldn’t help himself. He was just so relieved. Everything that had been weighing him down was gone, his fears were proven unfounded, and he had finally professed the thought he had been harboring ever since the night they had spent together. He knew he was probably forcing the air out of Yamaguchi’s lungs, but he didn’t want to let go.

“You don’t have to squeeze so tight, you know,” came Yamaguchi’s muffled remark. “I already said I’ll stay.”

At his request, Ushijima lessened his hold, though only slightly. Heaving a deep, contented sigh, he nuzzled into Yamaguchi’s soft hair, kissing the top of his head lightly. He could feel Yamaguchi smile against his chest as he mumbled his acquiescence in a low, reverberant thrum.

“I know you will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there you have it, the dramatic conclusion to all this angsty nonsense
> 
> The next chapter will be 100% unadulterated fluff and smut, and after that, an epilogue! Finally a break from all this super-serious tension, which was getting a little stressful to write, haha


	14. [Untitled]

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter alone is rated E. It's completely optional, and the epilogue will be coming out soon. If you're not into blatant porn, you don't need to read this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.
> 
> I take a break from writing for a week because school, and then this shit happens. This is the longest goddamn chapter and it is 100% smut. I have no excuse for this.
> 
> To those who don't like porn, but check regularly to see if this fic updated, I do apologize. Epilogue will be next, and it will not have anything explicit, I swear. Then we'll be done here. Thanks for stickin' with me <3

Yamaguchi wouldn’t have expected the transition from arguing to fucking could be so smooth and natural.

In fact, he surprised himself by being the one to initiate, wordlessly dragging Ushijima to the bedroom and pushing him down to sit confused on the edge of the bed before straddling him and stealing all protests from his lips.

The impassioned ferocity from before still coiled low in Yamaguchi’s gut, despite the fact that their fight had been proven without foundation and resolved so quickly. It wasn’t as though he was still angry—far from it, he had a sense of certainty and happiness now that he hadn’t known before—it was just that his heart was still pounding furiously in his ears from the emotional onslaught. The fire he’d ignited inside of himself to burn away Ushijima’s false accusations and doubts was still blazing. Only now it was coupled with this sense of trust and security, producing something akin to deep, deep desire. It was a feeling of wanting that bordered on need. Yamaguchi was overwhelmed by his own indescribable desperation, never before having felt such a powerful drive for intimate physical touch.

As before, Ushijima offered him plenty of chances to change his mind. But Yamaguchi didn’t even respond to the gentle offerings of, “Are you sure you want to do this?” and, “We can stop any time you want.” He didn’t want to hear it. He had never been more unquestionably certain about anything in his life, nor had he ever more confidently relied on his instincts to guide him. Every fiber of his being resonated with the same aching desire, and every second that desire went unsatisfied was agony. He latched onto Ushijima’s lips as though they were the only thing keeping him tethered to the earth, greedily probing between them with his tongue and trapping the lower between his teeth, eliciting a soft, resonant moan from deep in the throat behind them.

However, Ushijima pushed him away insistently, holding him as far away as he could considering his current position under and between Yamaguchi’s legs. “No,” he declared with finality, “I refuse to continue until you tell me, in explicit terms, what you want.”

“You,” replied Yamaguchi without thought or hesitation, wanting to waste as little time as possible.

The corners of Ushijima’s mouth twitched up briefly at his response. “Well, you already have me,” he said plainly. “So what do you want me to do?”

“I-I don’t know,” Yamaguchi stuttered out, stumbling over his words in his haste. “Anything. Everything. Me. I don’t care.”

“Anything and everything it is, then,” Ushijima said with a smirk, sliding his hands over Yamaguchi’s skin and underneath his shirt, threatening to remove it. “But first…” he continued, pulling Yamaguchi close to murmur into the crook of his neck, “I have to ask you one more thing.”

Inhaling sharply at the feather-light sensation of Ushijima’s lips, Yamaguchi asked a little impatiently, “What is it?”

“Can I call you by your given name?” Ushijima requested innocently. “If I know you well enough to strip you down and make you beg me to fuck you, wouldn’t you say I know you well enough for that?”

“I-I, uhm, I mean, sure, if you want,” Yamaguchi said, starting at the unexpected question muttered softly against his sin.

“And you’ll do the same for me?”

“Yes, of course.”

“Good,” Ushijima purred, tugging on Yamaguchi’s shirt. “So…want me to take this off for you, Tadashi?”

The sound of his own name rolling off of Ushijima’s tongue had a greater impact on Yamaguchi than he expected. That deep, thrumming voice tracing each syllable into the soft skin of his neck sent shivers down his spine and left him trembling with need. “Please,” was the only word he could get out in response.

“Please what?” Ushijima demanded, looking up into Yamaguchi’s eyes expectantly.

“P-please, Wakatoshi?”

Ushijima looked satisfied with his compliance, his expression darkening with lust. “I like the way that sounds in your mouth, Tadashi,” he said, returning his lips to Yamaguchi’s neck to nip and suck at it between sentences. “I can’t wait to hear what it sounds like when you’re screaming it…”

His words had Yamaguchi whimpering faintly, impatient for Ushijima to meet his implicit promise to render him screaming and helpless. Ushijima finally tugged off his shirt, lifting it up over his head in one fluid motion. Yamaguchi tried to return the favor, but his eagerness belied a lack of experience, and Ushijima had to aid his clumsy hands in undressing him. With both of them bare from the waist up, Yamaguchi returned with renewed fervor to his attack on Ushijima’s mouth, fisting his hair for leverage, loving the feeling of Ushijima’s hands exploring his exposed torso and occasionally dipping tantalizingly beneath the waistband of his jeans. Every foray into uncharted territory made Yamaguchi shudder in anticipation. His pants became more and more constricting over his erection, and he grew more and more desperate to get out of them, desperate to have those teasing, probing hands all over his body. In an uncharacteristic show of aggression, he pushed down on Ushijima’s shoulders until he was reclined on the bed with Yamaguchi suspended over him on hands and knees. It was so empowering, feeling that hard, muscled body undulating underneath him, even though he knew that at any second, Ushijima could effortlessly break free and pin him down on a whim. He eagerly mimicked the nipping and sucking that his own neck had been subject to earlier, leaving angry red marks more out of inexperience than intent. If he was biting too hard, Ushijima didn’t show it except to start raking his nails down Yamaguchi’s back and bucking his hips upwards to grind against him. Yamaguchi reached down to unbutton his jeans, but Ushijima abruptly slapped his hand away.

“If you want these off, you just need to ask,” he insisted teasingly, hooking his fingers underneath Yamaguchi’s waistline.

Yamaguchi was mildly affronted at the rejection. “I can take off my own pants, thanks,” he mumbled in irritation, moving again for the button.

Before he could register what happened, he was on his back, errant hands pinned above his head. Ushijima hovered over him, wielding an aura of absolute command, his eyes burning with dark, visceral desire. Just as Yamaguchi had predicted earlier, Ushijima really could flip him over and pin him down effortlessly. But he hadn’t expected it to be so sudden, or so…amazingly fucking hot. Something in Ushijima’s gaze told him he was on the verge of being utterly destroyed and devoured. And oh, god, did he want to be.

With the hand he wasn’t using to roughly immobilize Yamaguchi’s wrists, Ushijima trailed lightly down his torso, making Yamaguchi twitch and whimper pathetically at his tantalizingly slow and gentle movements, until he popped open Yamaguchi’s jeans with a practiced flick of the wrist. “I said I planned to strip you down and have you begging me to fuck you, didn’t I?” he said, gradually pulling down the zipper without breaking eye contact. “If you think I’m letting you take half of that away from me, you’re sorely mistaken.” His voice hardened into a firm imperative, commanding, “Keep your hands above your head,” before grabbing Yamaguchi’s jeans at either hip and yanking, hard enough to steal them out from under him in one swift motion. Compliantly holding his hands where he’d been told, Yamaguchi kicked them off the rest of the way, leaving his legs completely bare. Being that exposed made him suddenly shy. He was so obviously hard under his briefs it was almost embarrassing, precum staining the fabric dark at the tip of his cock. Instinctively, he pressed his thighs together, trying to preserve whatever dignity he still had left—which is to say, none. Willingly restraining his own hands to let Ushijima have his way with him, hanging on the promise that he’d soon be screaming into the bed, begging for sex... he’d clearly abandoned his dignity a long time ago.

“Are you okay, Tadashi?” Ushijima asked, suddenly full of concern.

At first, Yamaguchi didn’t understand. “Of course I’m okay, why do you ask?” he replied, confused, before suddenly recalling the last time he’d been in this situation. Oh right, his scars. Wasn’t he supposed to be ashamed of them? He’d kinda forgotten about that. It just didn’t seem to matter now. Ushijima had already proven he didn’t care how his legs were marked, so he’d started to wonder why he’d ever bothered to feel self-conscious about them at all. He sat up, propping himself up with his arms to answer the question more fully, opening his legs a little to show that he wasn’t trying to hide the marks covering his inner thighs. “Yeah, I’m fine,” he insisted. “I’m just a little, um, nervous? I’ve never done this before. Unless, I mean… Am I supposed to feel this, uh, flustered and exposed?”

“That was my intent, yes,” Ushijima said a little sheepishly, glancing away briefly before looking him in the eye again to ask, ”Do you like feeling flustered and exposed?”

Yamaguchi bit his lip, blushing at his own lewd thoughts, and looked up through his eyelashes to meet Ushijima’s gaze, nodding with a shy, indulgent smile.

“So I’m good to continue?”

“Yes please.”

“Yes please what, Tadashi?” Ushijima threatened teasingly, stepping back to slowly and deliberately remove his own pants.

Turning an even deeper shade of crimson, Yamaguchi decided to tease back, saying, “Please get back to flustering and exposing me, Wakatoshi.”

That was apparently either the worst or best thing he could have possibly said. In a quick, seamless movement that happened so fast Yamaguchi barely registered it, Ushijima had gripped both his legs behind the knee and pulled Yamaguchi’s ass out from under him, leaving him once again abruptly lying on his back. This time, however, Ushijima’s powerful thighs were suddenly between his, parted enough to force Yamaguchi’s own legs to spread wide open. He was pinned again, this time with one wrist in each of Ushijima’s hands and his legs forcibly spread wide open. He had nowhere to look but Ushijima’s dark, smoldering eyes hovering over him, and had he mentioned the fact that his legs were being forced wide open? Because that was doing ridiculous things to his head right now, not to mention his dick, which twitched as his body convulsed helplessly at the sensation of hard muscle pressing on the soft skin of his inner thighs. Flustered and exposed, indeed.

“My, what a smart mouth you have,” Ushijima remarked darkly. “I’d be careful with it right now if I were you. Any request that comes out of it, no matter how sarcastic, I intend to fulfill. Got it?”

“Yes, Wakatoshi.” He understood with perfect clarity. Though Ushijima was the one on top, capable of taking whatever he wanted by force, Yamaguchi was the one in control. And yet, even knowing that, he still felt completely powerless, still felt defenseless against Ushijima’s penetrating gaze and penetrating…other things. And oh, to be penetrated by those other things…

“Do you have any requests right now, by chance?” Ushijima asked innocently.

“Please, fuck me, Wakatoshi.” So much for quieting his smart mouth. Whatever, judging by the twisted smile it brought to Ushijima’s face, he loved it.

“With pleasure.” Without further teasing or hesitation, he slipped a hand into Yamaguchi’s underwear and wrapped it around his dick, stroking firmly. Yamaguchi almost screamed at the novel feeling of a foreign hand jacking him off. He was so worked up already from all the teasing, he felt himself drawing close to orgasm immediately.

“Fuck, I’m so sensitive. I-I don’t think I’ll be able to last very long, I’m sorry,” he stammered weakly, cursing his own short fuse.

“Have you ever given yourself multiple orgasms?”

“Uhm, I-I don’t think, uh, I mean, no I haven’t?” The question caught him completely off guard. Not to mention, he found it difficult to think while Ushijima was still on top of him, pumping away at his cock with slow deliberation.

“Are you willing to try?”

“I-I mean, um, that is—“

“Because I want to draw this out as long as I can and have you begging for release as I’m riding you,” Ushijima interrupted, voice low and husky. “I doubt you’ll have any trouble getting hard again, if you’re worried about that. I just don’t want to overstimulate you more than you can handle.”

“I-I…I think I can take it,” Yamaguchi lied, feigning a confidence he didn’t feel. He had no idea how he’d cope with the overstimulation, but he’d do anything to feel the sensations Ushijima kept promising him. Ushijima's hand picked up speed gradually, using his thumb to smear the generous precum down his shaft, and Yamaguchi bucked his hips up weakly into the movement. He came with a high pitched, breathless moan far too soon, as expected, shooting his load all over his stomach and Ushijima’s hand. He’d barely had any time to recover when Ushijima stood up, removing Yamaguchi’s briefs in the process. Now he was finally completely naked, feeling even more exposed than expected with all the cum covering his abdomen and a little still leaking out of his spent cock. Realizing that he should probably wipe the spunk off his body before the promised second round, he started to get up, but Ushijima stopped him before he could move beyond propping himself up with his elbows.

“Don’t bother cleaning yourself,” he commanded sternly, reaching into his bedside table to grab a bottle of lube. “If I have anything to say about it, Tadashi, you’ll only get filthier from here.” As if to underline his point, he sucked the cum off his hand where it had dripped between his fingers. Yamaguchi watched the lewd gesture in mute rapture, following Ushijima with wide eyes as he proceeded to reclaim his place between Yamaguchi’s legs and cover the same hand with a generous amount of lube. In a second those fingers, also slick with an obscene mixture of cum and saliva, were being rubbed and pressed gently against Yamaguchi’s hole. The unusual cold, wet feeling sent shivers down his spine, and elicited from him a high, desperate whimper that he couldn’t suppress.

“Nervous?” Ushijima asked, leaning over to kiss and suck at the clean parts of Yamaguchi’s chest, peppering his skin with bright red bruises everywhere he went.

“Um, a little,” admitted Yamaguchi.

“Don’t be. We’ll start slow and stay slow until you’re comfortable.” His soothing tone was starkly contrasted by his probing fingers and roaming lips, which worked incessantly to make Yamaguchi weaker and more desperate. Ushijima rubbed in smooth, consistent circles, teasing and toying with Yamaguchi’s ass until the latter was grinding unconsciously against his hand, so needy for stimulation.

“W-what are you waiting for?” Yamaguchi asked, impatient.

“Permission.” God, what a tease. What right did he have to complain about Yamaguchi’s smart mouth?

“For fuck’s sake, Wakatoshi, just put them in!” Yamaguchi spat out bitterly, his voice glissing into a high, keening whine shortly after as Ushijima readily complied, sliding a single finger into his ass. Convulsing a little around the unfamiliar yet pleasant intrusion, Yamaguchi quickly adjusted to the prodding sensation, at least until it hit this one, amazing spot that sent shockwaves of pleasure through his body. A second finger joined the first, and somewhat later, a third, that had him arching his back and moaning loudly in the sweet, delicious agony of being stretched out. Ushijima had been right in saying he’d have no problem getting hard again, and his cock was once again stiff, with precum beading generously at the tip. Suddenly, it disappeared into Ushijima’s mouth as he effortlessly swallowed him to the hilt, making Yamaguchi throw his head back in a loud moan at the warm wetness enveloping his length. His hands slipped down to fist in Ushijima’s hair, more for stability than anything. He couldn’t help but buck his hips upwards a little into Ushijima’s throat, fucking himself on his fingers as well in the process. When that drove him towards the brink of a second orgasm, he forced himself to stop, but Ushijima only started moving faster and sucking harder to compensate. He relentlessly pounded into Yamaguchi’s hole and bobbed on his cock, producing obscene schlicking sounds that brought Yamaguchi, keening desperately, even closer to the edge.

“P-please, don’t make me come again, Wakatoshi,” he cried out weakly. “Not yet. I’m b-begging you.” For a second, it looked like Ushijima would ignore his plea except to defy it, moving even faster and forcing another orgasm out of him. But much to his relief, Ushijima pulled off, leaving Yamaguchi panting wantonly at the sudden lack of stimulation, the sudden empty and cold feeling where just a second before there had been a wet heat filling and enveloping him. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, trying to still his beating heart and recover from the toll that edging had taken on him. By the time he reopened them, his breathing having returned to a reasonable pace, Ushijima had slipped on a condom and slathered it liberally in the same lube that coated his fingers and the inner walls of Yamaguchi’s ass. It was the first time Yamaguchi had had an unimpeded view of Ushijima’s cock, and oh god it was so much thicker than he expected. Like, by a lot. Given Ushijima’s height, Yamaguchi had been fairly certain it would be longer than his own—which it was, but not by much. But holy fuck, that girth. He honestly couldn’t imagine how all of it was going to fit inside him.

Ushijima apparently didn’t notice his surprise. Even though Yamaguchi’s legs were already spread nicely, he made a point of pushing them even further apart with his knees as he climbed back on top, poising the tip of his cock tantalizingly close to Yamaguchi’s now gaping entrance.

“This is probably going to sting. Is that okay?” Yamaguchi had no choice but to nod weakly, bracing himself for the inevitable pain. He was afraid, but his desire to feel Ushijima moving inside of him overcame that fear by a long shot. “I’m going to put it in now. Ready for me, Tadashi?” He nodded again, wincing in anticipation as Ushijima dragged his dick between his ass cheeks, positioning himself just right. Slowly, purposefully, with a low and drawn-out moan, he pushed himself in, inch by inch, until he was flush against Yamaguchi’s body, the wide base of his cock disappearing into him.

Yamaguchi felt like he was being split in half. Sweet fucking Jesus it hurt, with Ushijima’s cock tearing him apart anew with every blessed second, destroying him from the inside out. He was rolling his eyes back into his head, seeing stars behind eyelids fluttering uncontrollably with the delicious agony of being rent asunder. For a few, blessed seconds, he was numb with bliss, all control of his mental facilities lost amidst the indescribable pleasure. It took him a little while before he came back to reality, realizing that Ushijima was finally nestled neatly inside of him, filling his hole completely. As he remembered how to think and breathe, the sting went away—but then again, so did the stars. He found himself looking up directly into Ushijima’s piercing gaze, which had evidently been trained on him for some time, no doubt watching his expression for when he’d be able to continue. He looked oddly concerned, but Yamaguchi didn’t have time to wonder why.

“I’m going to start moving now, alright?” Yamaguchi readily gave his consent, glad he didn’t have to beg for it since his head couldn’t formulate the words.

Just as he had said, Ushijima started slow. Terribly, agonizingly slow. The rolling motion of his sinuous hips crashed into Yamaguchi like calm ocean waves breaking on the sand. Beautiful, serene, perfectly relentless in their timing, and Yamaguchi felt them coaxing him out to sea. Ushijima leaned down to kiss him deeply, and Yamaguchi could taste himself, bitter and salty, on the former’s intrusive tongue. He noted the way that Ushijima pressed into him with his entire body, and paying no heed to the cold and tacky cum that now coated both of their abdomens. It felt so filthy and defiling, which should have repulsed him but instead drove him wild with desire. He wanted to be defiled, smothered and lost beneath Ushijima’s hard, oppressive heat, abandoning even the notion of inhibitions, surrendering to his most base and carnal instincts. Was this what sex was supposed to feel like? Surrender? When he had imagined it before, he hadn’t thought it would be anything like this. He hadn’t pictured himself so needy and desperate to be ruined.

But Ushijima wasn’t ruining him now. His pace had picked up, but he was still moving so fluidly. It was sweet and smooth and passionate, but Yamaguchi could tell he was holding back. And it had gone on far too long to be teasing. He knew that when Ushijima had promised to have him screaming, this hadn’t been what he was talking about.

“Harder, Wakatoshi, please,” Yamaguchi begged. Ushijima sped up more, and his thrusts had more power behind them, but it still wasn’t the aggressive pounding that Yamaguchi craved. “Harder,” he urged more demandingly, but Ushijima only thrust into him once more and then stopped inside him, forcing Yamaguchi to meet his eyes.

“I don’t want to hurt you any more than I already have,” he admitted. He looked both stern and hesitant, clearly unwilling to proceed any further.

“What are you talking about?”

“It looked like it hurt like hell when I put it in. You’re already going to be sore after this, so I don’t want to push it.”

“Push it. Please,” Yamaguchi responded viscerally, speaking straight from his libido.

“You want me to fuck you so hard you can’t walk straight afterwards?” Ushijima asked, his tone indicating that he was deliberately trying to deter Yamaguchi from letting him do so.

“Yes.”

“You want me to leave bruises on your hips from gripping them too hard when I’m pounding your ass?”

“God yes.”

“You want me to make you scream into the mattress until you’re hoarse?”

“Your neighbors need to know how great you are in bed, don’t they? I’ll say your name to make sure there’s no doubt it’s you.”

“You asked for it,” Ushijima conceded with a shrug. He pulled out abruptly, leaving his spot between Yamaguchi’s thighs. Then without bothering to instruct or explain, he took one leg in each hand and twisted strategically, flipping Yamaguchi onto his stomach with a little yelp of shock. That initial surprise, however, was nothing compared to everything that followed in rapid succession afterward. Hands clamped down hard onto his hips and lifted, forcing his ass into the air, and there were those knees again, spreading his legs like the space between them was territory to be claimed. Yamaguchi pushed his upper body up until he was on his hands and knees, but then out of the blue came a loud SMACK that sent a searing shockwave rippling through his body and knocked him right back facedown into the bed with a choked moan. He swore he could feel a burning sensation in the exact shape of an angry red handprint on his ass, and he just barely had time to register that Ushijima had just spanked him—probably not even that hard considering he was a goddamn professional wing spiker—before both hands were on his ass again, spreading the cheeks obscenely to make way for Ushijima’s thick cock to reenter him. Where before he had been slow and careful, pushing inch by inch and gradually filling him up, this time he slammed in all the way down to the hilt in one thrust. Stars exploded across Yamaguchi’s vision, leaving him absolutely reeling.

“Is this more like what you had in mind, Tadashi?” Ushijima asked innocently.

“Mmmhmm,” was all Yamaguchi could manage through a stupid grin, practically drooling from being treated so roughly.

“Let me know when you can talk again.”

“Please, Wakatoshi. Fuck me hard.” Ever compliant and eager to please, Ushijima started absolutely drilling him from behind. Earlier Ushijima’s moaning had been drawn out and quiet, sensuous even. Now he only vocalized with guttural grunts that synced with his thrusting. And before, the feeling had come over Yamaguchi in waves, but this was more like a tsunami that slammed into him over and over and over again. He tried to move his hips in tandem with Ushijima’s vicious pace to force him even deeper in, but Ushijima’s hands, digging brutally into his hips hard enough to leave finger-shaped bruises in their wake, kept him clamped firmly in place, only able to just sit there and take it. Ushijima shifted slightly, trying to find the right angle that would drive his thrusts into Yamaguchi’s sweet spot. It was easy to tell when he found it, because Yamaguchi jolted up onto his elbows and started howling a babbling stream of nonsense.

“F-fuck, ahhh, oh god, W-Wakatoshi, h-harder please, ohh fuck me, I’m getting so close…” He didn’t even know what he was saying, especially how he could ask for more and harder when he already felt like he was being reamed, but he didn’t care. Ushijima reached his hand around to grasp at Yamaguchi’s cock, letting the motion of his own forceful hips leave Yamaguchi fucking himself into it. That pushed Yamaguchi over the edge, biting down on his own forearm to quiet his screaming. He felt heat pooling low in his gut and then came gloriously, feeling it through his whole body as he stained the sheets with milky white spurts, Ushijima’s name garbled in his mouth with the force of his orgasm. Ushijima gripped his hips again and picked up speed even more, making Yamaguchi keen at the overstimulation as he pushed himself into his own orgasm, slowing down but thrusting harder as he rode it out. He pulled out and Yamaguchi collapsed to the side, completely and utterly wrecked, basking in the glow of post-coital bliss with a deep, satisfied sigh.

When he opened his eyes, he saw Ushijima sitting at the edge of the bed, just staring at him and panting from exertion. Yamaguchi gave him a weak smile, which he readily returned, looking relieved to see that despite being reduced to a spent heap, Yamaguchi was okay. They looked each other in the eyes for a long moment, breathing heavy and grinning wide before Ushijima broke the silence. “I’m going to need to wash the sheets, you know,” he teased. “Someone came all over them.”

“I’m not moving an inch. You’ll have to lift me yourself.”

“Oh come on, I did all the work already. The least you could do is get up on your own.”

Yamaguchi sighed deeply in defeat. “You’re not wrong. Fine. I’ll get up.” He rolled over from his side onto his back just fine, but when he tensed his abdominals to sit up, shooting pains ripped through him, and he collapsed again onto his back. Ushijima was on him in a flash, hovering over him in concern and caressing his face with one hand, trying to soothe his anguished expression.

“Are you okay?” he asked, brow furrowed with worry. “How bad does it hurt?”

“Let’s just say you really weren’t kidding when you said you’d fuck me so hard I couldn’t walk,” Yamaguchi muttered through gritted teeth.

“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have agreed to do that. Your body really wasn’t ready to take it, and I knew it. I’m sorry.”

The pain had subsided down to a dull ache in his gut. It was plenty tolerable, and Yamaguchi could honestly say he had no regrets. Maybe it hurt now, but hell, getting viciously rammed from behind like that had been worth it. “Don’t be sorry. I literally asked for this,” Yamaguchi reassured him with a wide, honest smile. “I just need some time to recover, that’s all.”

“A warm bath will help. I’ll go start one.”

“Thank you so much.” He listened to Ushijima walk away and start the water running in the other room. It was really quite sweet, actually. Such a contrast from only minutes before. He returned with a damp towel to clean Yamaguchi up, rubbing his abdomen in comforting, gentle circles before lifting him bridal style to the bathroom.

“Ha. I made you pick me up anyway,” Yamaguchi teased as Ushijima lowered him slowly into the half-full tub, warm water stinging him at first but soon began to soothe the pain instead.

“Yep. You got me. Good job,” Ushijima replied in a flat monotone, grabbing ibuprofen from behind the mirror and water from the sink, handing him a couple pills and a cup. “This should take care of any internal bruising. Sit tight, I’m going to put the sheet in the washer and be right back.”

Yamaguchi felt like fucking royalty with how well he was being treated. Yup, the pain was definitely worth it. He heaved a long, contented sigh and relaxed as his aches melted away into the water. The tub filled pretty fast, and he winced as he leaned forward to turn the water off before it got too full, anticipating Ushijima’s imminent return.

With perfect timing, he came back in and sat on the edge of the bathtub. “Is there anything else I can get for you? Are you feeling better?”

“Much better and no I don’t need anything else. Get in.”

“The water’s too hot. I’ll fall asleep.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll wake you up. Please?” Ushijima rolled his eyes and complied, getting in behind him, sloshing a little water over the edges. Yamaguchi settled in with Ushijima’s legs on either side of him and laid his head back against his broad chest, relishing the feeling of strong arms that snaked around his front and held him gently.

“So today was eventful, then,” Yamaguchi remarked blissfully. “Most of it was stressful but hey, everything turned out okay.” Ushijima hummed an agreement into the top of his head, drowsily nuzzling into his soft hair and hugging him a little tighter. “Hey, since when are you such a tease, by the way?” Yamaguchi demanded accusingly.

“Since I found out how cute you are when you’re desperate for me.”

“Rude,” he said, elbowing Ushijima in the gut playfully. “Well whatever, you must have done something right considering I came twice.”

Ushijima’s shoulders shrugged around him. “I’ll aim for more next time.”

“What? No.”

“You’re right, I should just keep going now.” He reached a hand around Yamaguchi and started weakly stroking his cock, making the latter emit an involuntary high-pitched moan before slapping his hand away under the water. “See? Cute and desperate.”

“Such a tease…” Yamaguchi sighed, rolling his eyes. But there was an idiotic, contented smile drawing up the corners of his mouth, because everything about this was perfect and he didn’t want to ever move from this place and time. He snuggled even deeper into Ushijima’s embrace and asked the most obvious question he could think of, already knowing the answer but wanting to hear it anyway.

“Hey… I can stay the night, right?”

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So. Much. Smut.
> 
> I blame the fact that I've been holding back during this whole story. Repression is the reason for the sudden 5k of just porn.
> 
> Wow this is my first written smut I guess, so that's a thing. If I suck, please let me know.
> 
> I may actually do a small collection of one shots based on this fic as well and just link them as part of the same series, because wow do I have a metric fuckton of sexy headcanons for this pairing. Tell me in the comments if you'd be into that.


	15. Epilogue

Leaving is always bittersweet. Moving on to bigger and better things always means saying goodbye to the great things you already had.

Yamaguchi thought about that while manning the front counter in the last few minutes of his final shift working under Iwaizumi. Between mandatory bouts of polite small-talk with customers, he realized he had really lucked out this time. In a little under a week, he’d start his first semester at the same college that Inuoka and Lev were attending, which meant he didn’t have to move anywhere. The only thing he was leaving behind was this job, which he might end up coming back to anyway to work part-time after taking his first semester to settle in. Everything might be different, changing up his entire routine and going back to stressing over exams and difficult homework, but the mainstays in his life would remain.

Except that Tsukishima was moving. As Yamaguchi had predicted, they had wound up going to different universities, Tsukishima having been accepted to somewhere halfway across the country. Unlike he’d predicted, however, he wasn’t dreading the moment they’d part. He wasn’t beating himself up over all the things he’d never said, and he wasn’t terrified of losing his best friend to distance and time. Thinking about it, he glanced up to meet Tsukki’s eyes across the store and gave him an awkward half-smile. It wasn’t exactly returned, but Yamaguchi knew that the eye-roll and pointed glance away that he received were reminiscent of their friendly banter, not rejection. His grin widened and turned self-indulgent; he knew Tsukishima better than he’d ever known anyone, and it was ridiculous that he’d actually thought that their friendship could be destroyed by something so insignificant as a little unrequited love.

They had done a lot of talking over the past few months. At first, it had been so painfully awkward. Tsukishima had taken rejection about as well as Yamaguchi expected—which is to say, not well at all. For the first couple of weeks, he wouldn’t even TALK to Yamaguchi. It made working together a serious problem, and Iwaizumi’s short fuse had blown more often than usual out of concern and frustration. Eventually he put his foot down and insisted that if they didn’t at least get back on speaking terms, he’d fire them both on the spot. So silence turned to terse words exchanged out of necessity, turned to an uncomfortable version of their former easygoing banter, turned to long, awkward private conversations after work that sometimes lead well into the night. With so much that they had hidden from each other out in the open already, Yamaguchi no longer cared about subtlety. He said things to Tsukki that he’d never imagined himself admitting, holding nothing back. That blatant honesty made Tsukishima deeply uncomfortable at first, but eventually he gave in and reciprocated. They talked about everything from expectations and potential futures, to regrets and confessions of past thoughts, to relationships and their complexities and purposes. Thoughts kept in secret for years suddenly saw light, awkward glances were exchanged en masse, and wall after wall was torn down between them until they could see each other face to face again.

To Yamaguchi, it was as though a weight had been lifted off his chest that he had never even known existed. He’d never realized how much they’d been holding back from each other until it was all out in the open, and lifting all those barriers felt amazing. Tsukki must have felt the same lightness. At the very least, his facial expression was changing a lot more than usual lately. He even smiled at something his brother said to him once while Yamaguchi was over, causing Akiteru to literally flee the room to hide his blatant tears of joy and shock. Weirdly enough, this whole long and brutal affair had made their friendship even stronger than it was before. And now Tsukki was leaving. It was frustrating to separate right in the middle of all this development, but—“

“Yamaguchi! Your shift is over, so get the hell out of here!” came a sudden booming voice from behind, scaring the shit out of him. Yamaguchi flipped around to see a cross-armed Iwaizumi smirking at him fondly.

“Was that really necessary?” Yamaguchi demanded with a tone of exasperation that he did not actually feel.

“I’m not going to have an opportunity to do it again any time soon, am I?” Iwaizumi said, pulling him into an affectionate headlock and ruffling his hair. “Try not to space out so often in class, got it? At least until you find somebody else to snap you out of it.”

“I’ll try,” Yamaguchi promised, laughing as he disentangled himself from Iwaizumi’s grasp. He then pretended to choke up, face contorting into a mask of pseudo-pain as he went in for an embrace, sobbing exaggeratedly. “Iwaizumi-san,” he blubbered through fake tears, “I just want to tell you that you’ve always been like a father to me. I will forever remember all the time we’ve spent together, and all the times you’ve been there for m—“

“Dumbass, I’m not paying you to hug me and spout sappy lines! Go clock out before I kick your ass,” Iwaizumi retorted, prying Yamaguchi off of him with only a token effort. He wore a deep scowl, but Yamaguchi knew that was just how his face always looked. Really, he heard the ring of truth behind what Yamaguchi had said, hiding how touched he was behind a naturally gruff exterior.

“After everything we’ve been through?” whined Yamaguchi, still playing along as he compliantly punched out of the time clock. “You’re just trying to get rid of me as fast as you can?? I may never see you again, Iwaizumi-san!”

“Cut the theatrics, I know for a fact you’ll still come in sometimes just to piss me off.” Yamaguchi shrugged and nodded in resigned confirmation, earning himself another smirk and a friendly—yet still painful—punch to the arm. “Plus, like you I have an idiot boyfriend whose volleyball games I’ll be going to all the time. I’ll see you there.”

“Yeah, for sure,” he agreed brightly before heading back to where he’d watched Tsukishima disappear behind a shelf.

Unlike with Iwaizumi, this would be the last time he’d see Tsukki for a while. He’d be leaving early tomorrow morning and needed the rest of today to pack. Goodbye now was goodbye for good. And Yamaguchi didn’t have any sort of plan for what to say, so hopefully he’d come up with something within the next two seconds it’d take to round the corner. How does one even start that kind of conversation anyway? Or finish it for that matter? He really should have thought this through, honestly.

But the second Tsukishima was in his sight, he abandoned all attempts to formulate even a single sentence and simply pulled him into a tight, wordless embrace. Startled, it took Tsukishima a second before he tentatively returned it, wrapping his arms lightly around Yamaguchi’s shoulders. It was a little uncomfortable, and certainly awkward, but heartfelt. They just kind of stood there for a bit, taking in the gravity of the situation and waiting for the right moment to break the silence. Yamaguchi was the first to speak.

“If you think I’m not taking the train to come see you every few weeks, you’re an idiot,” he said abruptly, surprising himself with how harsh it came out.

“Ah, dammit, I knew I couldn’t get rid of you so easily,” Tsukishima replied in a sarcastic monotone.

Smiling into his shoulder at the affectionate jibe, Yamaguchi teased back, “It doesn’t matter how hard you try. You’ll never be able to ditch me.”

“Oh? Is that a challenge?”

“No. It’s not.”

……

Their banter died quickly with Yamaguchi’s even response. Oddly, though, the awkwardness between them had dissipated. The ensuing silence was laden with words that didn’t need to be spoken, and they both stood quietly until the moment had passed. Once again, Yamaguchi was the one to initiate, stepping back out of the embrace to look Tsukishima in the eye.

“I’ll see you later, alright?” he said with a half-grin. “Have a safe trip, Tsukki.”

“I will. See you later, Tadashi.”

There wasn’t really anything more to say.

 

o o o o o

 

Ushijima waited patiently outside, hands clasped behind his back, broad shoulders pressing into the rough brick behind him. Staring up into the blue abyss of a sky, he wondered how long it would take for Yamaguchi to come out. He couldn’t rightfully rush him, especially knowing how important it was for Yamaguchi to bid Tsukishima farewell on his own terms, and without animosity. So even though waiting wasn’t his forte, he would trust Yamaguchi to take exactly the amount of time he needed, and wait.

As expected, he was rewarded in no time. “Toshi!” Yamaguchi called brightly after emerging from the shop, his latest attempt at a nickname making the corners of Ushijima’s mouth quirk up. He didn’t think it was really fitting, but the cadence of Yamaguchi’s voice and the way his face lit up when he said it made Ushijima inclined to reconsider. “You weren’t waiting for long, were you?” he asked as he fell forward into Ushijima’s arms.

“Not long, just a couple minutes.”

“Oh, that’s good,” Yamaguchi replied, slipping his hand into Ushijima’s habitually. He tugged on it lightly and continued, “Let’s get going then.”

Ushijima compliantly followed him, feeling a little like a dog on a leash, but not really minding. He liked it when Yamaguchi took the lead when they walked together; his confidence was so endearing. Plus, instead of watching where he was going, he could keep an eye on Yamaguchi’s pensive and ever-changing expression as everything he was thinking was reflected on his face. Right now, his brow was furrowed in concentration and the tip of his tongue was peeking out of the corner of his mouth. Clearly he was lost in thought, probably going through a mental list of everything he needed to do today. Watching him, trying to envision what he was thinking, experiencing this moment through his eyes—it made Ushijima so indescribably happy. Just being here with the person he loved flooded him with a warm, glowing feeling. It was hard to imagine that at one point he had thought he didn’t need this sensation, that he didn’t want to bother making time for it. He was so glad to have been proven wrong.

That being said, as much as he loved being here and now, he didn’t really understand why Yamaguchi had asked him here now. “So Tadashi,” he started, causing Yamaguchi’s wide-eyed gaze to snap to him. “Why exactly did you ask me to come with you to get your textbooks? Wouldn’t it make more sense to go with, you know, your roommates who also need to buy their own supplies?”

“I wanted to go with you, though,” Yamaguchi said innocently, though hidden in his smile was a twinge of guilt.

Ushijima raised an eyebrow, skeptical, then lowered it into an understanding scowl. “You just want me to help you carry shit, don’t you?” he teased.

“I’m taking a lot of classes!” Yamaguchi exclaimed in his defense, not bothering to deny the accusation. “A lot of math and science-y classes! Do you know how heavy those books are, Ushijima? Extremely!”

“What degree are you going after, again?”

“Physics,” he said, face scrunched in determination. “And after that, I’m shooting for a doctorate in astronomy. I’m almost a full year behind where I should be right now, so I’m going to work my ass off to get there as soon as I can.”

“That sounds like it’s going to be hell. Are you sure about this?” asked Ushijima, a little concerned. As much as he could hear the passion and conviction in Yamaguchi’s words, he didn’t want to see him under so much extra stress.

“Well, I mean, not really,” Yamaguchi admitted with a shrug. “But hey, if there’s anything I’ve learned recently, it’s that sometimes jumping recklessly into new opportunities is the only way to move forward. Plus, I’ve got no reason to doubt that I can do it, so why not at least try?”

“Whatever makes you happy,” conceded Ushijima. “If you ever need a quiet place to study away from that hectic household of yours, my door is always open.”

Yamaguchi scoffed at his offer. “Like I’ll get any studying done with you there to distract me.”

“Fair point. What I meant is,” he rephrased, “if you ever need a break from studying, my door is always open.”

“I’ll definitely take you up on that offer,” replied Yamaguchi, giggling.

They arrived at the stairs and descended into the subway terminal side-by-side, not breaking their grip on each other all the way through the turnstiles and right up until the moment that they chose a seat. Yamaguchi nestled his head into its place against Ushijima’s chest, and Ushijima set his arm in its place around Yamaguchi’s shoulder. His hair looked as soft as ever, but Ushijima no longer felt the need to hesitate before reaching up to run his hand through it. Nor did he stop himself from leaning forward to plant gentle kisses on the crown of his head. It all felt so comfortable and right, he was worried he would fall asleep with his nose nuzzled into Yamaguchi’s warm brown locks that today smelled sweet like strawberries, but tomorrow would probably carry the scent of Ushijima’s own shampoo. His eyelids grew heavy with tired contentedness, and he debated fighting it. The lovely pressure on his chest suddenly increased as Yamaguchi leaned further into him and heaved a deep, heavy sigh, thick with emotion.

“What was that for?” Ushijima asked, recognizing the way he sighed as an indication that he had something weighing on his mind. It took a moment for Yamaguchi to reply.

“I’m just…thinking about how lucky I am that I met you. And about how everything’s changed so, so quickly since then,” he said hesitantly. Another pause, and then he continued with more confidence, “I’m a little excited to see where we’ll end up, especially if we keep up with this pace.”

It was true that it had all happened so fast. The few short months seemed to have blurred together into an instant, but so much had happened within that time that it also felt like an eternity. As for continuing to change at such a rapid rate, Ushijima wasn’t so sure. He would be perfectly fine with living in this moment forever, with the gentle heat of Yamaguchi’s body pressed against his and the not-so-gentle swaying of the subway car lulling him to sleep. Then again, if all the change so far had lead up to this moment, who was he to wish for stagnation? Before all this, he couldn’t have imagined being this happy. Which meant that if right now he felt like he was as happy as he could possibly be, he would certainly be proven wrong.

“Me too,” he murmured drowsily, the deep thrum of his voice muted and soft. He smiled and pressed one more kiss into Yamaguchi’s hair with a low, humming sigh. And even though he had much more to say, many more hopes for the future to express, there would be plenty of time to say it all later. But for now, in this moment, he let himself slip into a deep, contented sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so, with an unreasonable month-long gap between the last two chapters, this fic is finally finished!! (Writers block is a bitch.)
> 
> I've struggled with ending things for a while now, and it looks like this is no exception. But I think everything wrapped up pretty well. I definitely plan on writing a collection of shorter pieces as the mood strikes me in the future, since I'm far from done with this pairing!
> 
> My thanks to everyone who stuck with this from the start, and to the new people that fall into rarepair hell every day. Special thanks to everyone who has commented on this, since reading your thoughts on my work literally makes me squeal out loud and hold my face in my hands with giddiness (even if I disappear for a month and don't respond).
> 
> Hope you all enjoyed the ride~


End file.
